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Desire

by hailfabio 

Posted: 04 January 2007
Word Count: 95


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Into the fire.

We storm to the beedy eye,
there's much more at stake than pride
but much less than life itself.

The way emotions go
and with decisions in tow,
it's easy for ambitions to become low.

Weak heads flounder, lost in a sea of wants and needs.
As time drains, so to do the elements of so many dreams,
and the pains just seem part of the deal.

In aspiring to these glittering goals before us,
gurding loins only strive so far
- everyone sweats, bleeds and cries

but only the minority succeed.






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Comments by other Members



Tina at 05:32 on 20 January 2007  Report this post
HI Stehen

Late to this I notice you have no other comments and wonder why ?
I really like your images but wonder if you need the rhyme? Am I way off the mark here and missing something basic? At this time of year I find my 'passion' at a pretty low ebb so can relate to what you are saying.

Thanks
Tina


Account Closed at 23:47 on 22 January 2007  Report this post
Hi,

You’re saying something here but I feel the rhymes are holding it back: go, tow, low; pains, drains. They’re quite loud and take over, especially when sounding as close together as they do. If you’re interested in re-writing this one, my suggestion is to not worry about the rhyme. Don’t try to fit the poem into a structure, instead allow it to relax so you can say what you need and let the message come across clearly.

Hope this is a small help,
Davina


hailfabio at 21:25 on 11 February 2007  Report this post
Yeah I don't the message is coming through here. I think a re-write.

Thanks for commenting

Stephen


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