|
|
 |
At this time of year
Posted: 27 December 2006
Word Count: 95
Summary: At a risk of being 'gonged' out of the class I have hastily penned this - by hastily I mean with a lot less time given that I would have liked but still not quickly. !!
|
Font Size
|
|
At this time of year bewail
the days filled with tasking.
Decorating trees and
buying treats, whilst in crowded
streets I am dismayed by such
grasping and step away
to ponder an ancient tale.
At this time of year long nights
lit by electric hues, bright
and gaudy fail to mask the
tawdry nature of it all.
Ask, 'Where is the good news'?
Half the world is hungry while
we indulge such excess and
do not lend a hand to those
who have less. Stop now and draw
them near; at this time of year.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 James Graham at 18:46 on 28 December 2006
 Report this post
|
Hi Tina - I liked this poem immediately, and see more in it as I read. There was a moment on first reading, coming to ‘Half the world is hungry…’, when I wondered if it was going to end in a little sermon; and in a way it does, but the ‘lesson’ is so well and simply expressed that it would be hard not to go along with it. ‘Stop now and draw/ them near’ especially sounds personally felt as well as being ‘advice’ to the reader. The ‘lesson’ goes down well; not a high horse in sight.
The poem has a number of attractive rhymes and partial rhymes: trees/treats/streets, dismayed/away, nights/bright, gaudy/tawdry, fail/all, excess/less. Tasking/grasping, bewail/tale and step/stop are further apart, but noticeable. Then of course we have the opening and closing words. In a reflective poem such as this, these echoes can help to convey a sense of thoughts being drawn together and connections being made. At the same time, your form in this poem, especially the scattering of ‘weak’ line endings (and, such, the), suggests thoughts are in the process of being formed - that there’s a little hesitation, a moment’s reflection here and there, in the forming of them. This is good verse-craft, and I think the rhymes and line-breaks are well judged.
I like too the three imperatives - bewail, ask, stop. They all seem (somehow, I can’t quite explain how) to be turned inward as well as outward; you’re telling yourself as well as us. And they represent a progression through the poem - bewail/ complain…well, that can’t be enough; begin to question the whole thing…that’s the next step; stop, and ‘draw them near’…that’s a change of heart.
One line bothers me because the language seems too commonplace - ‘tawdry nature of it all’. I can see difficulties in changing this, as you might lose the echoes of gaudy/tawdry and fail/all. The weak bit really is ‘nature of it’ - that prosaic word. Two tentative suggestions - the first minimal and the other slightly more drastic:
and gaudy fail to mask the
tawdriness of it all. |
|
and gaudy fail to mask its
(something) tawdriness. |
|
No idea what the something might be, and this loses fail/all - which I don’t think matters too much as you still have the strong assonance of gaudy/tawdriness. The more I go on about this the more nit-picking it seems, but ‘nature of’ really isn’t very good.
I wonder if you might weigh this up:
do not lend a hand to those
who have less. Stop now,
and draw them near. |
|
It did occur to me that you might have intended ‘At this time of year’ as an ironic echo of a Christmas carol; it does act as a refrain. But I wonder if it’s enough to have this phrase in the title and at the beginning of each of the poem’s two sections - that the last repetition of it is one too many? Any sensitive reader should notice that ‘draw them near’ rhymes with the title (and with the other two occurrences of ‘year’) - so the poem’s thoughts are still drawn together through rhyme, but its closing words are much stronger. See what you think. As I said, the language of this poem is finely judged, and so a fourth repetition of a phrase may seem a bit heavy handed. ‘Stop now, and draw them near’ is just so good - it does exactly what poetry does best, says the simple thing in a memorable phrase.
James.
|
|
| |
 tinyclanger at 19:22 on 28 December 2006
Report this post
|
I enjoyed this, Tina. I think you've very cleverly balanced it and got all the right sentiments without ever falling into the sentimental. A hard thing to achieve.
Not much else to say after James has so expertly and satisfyingly illustrated how it works, the techniques and subtleties of the piece. I can only concur!!
x
tc
| |
Tina at 08:18 on 29 December 2006
Report this post
|
Hi James and TC and early Happy New Year Greetings to you both.
Thanks to you both for your comment which as always are greatly appreciated. I will have a think about the suggestions you have made and re-post. Certainly the gawdy/ tawdry line doesn't quite do it for me either and has been changed a number of times.
This poem arose from two points. First a day course at the Poetry Society which was not quite as successful and pleasant an experience as I would have liked and second the incredible excess that commercial Christmas has come to be. I find myself slipping further into 'grumpy old woman' mode at this time of year - sorry!
At the Poetry Soc. course another participant read out a poem in this 'style' which was so beautifully crafted that it has stuck with me and a whole world of rhyme and rhythm has opened. When writing this I was trying to keep some kind of syllable count and some kind of rhythm which I find very hard. Also I have another poem in my head to write but have not had time yet, although this one came out first there was some competition going on in me poor old brain!!
The idea of a Christmas Carol is not so far fromt he spot as I thought about this when writing it so well done James. I wonder too about the last repetition I will have a look at this and repost
Many thanks
Tina
| |
James Graham at 20:35 on 30 December 2006
Report this post
|
Shame about the course - but that poem you mention must have made its mark. Your poem is well crafted too, especially in terms of rhythm and assonance. It can be very satisfying to set yourself a formal challenge, e.g. to keep a syllable count and at the same time build into the poem a network of rhyme and half-rhyme. It's like doing a puzzle, a logic problem or something like that. Very satisfying to 'solve' it. Looking forward to the new one - hope the 'solution' isn't too difficult!
James.
|
|
| |
roovacrag at 13:48 on 02 January 2007
Report this post
|
Tina..Loved it from the start.Just grabbed me and thats how writing should be.
You started off very well,keep it up.
xxAlice
| |
 joanie at 16:41 on 02 January 2007
Report this post
|
Hi Tina. I am deliberately not reading the comments before I add mine. I enjoyed the feel of this - the language is just right, I think. It's somewhere between conversational and old carols.
I love the rhymes in unexpected places; I needed to read it aloud, as I usually do. It doesn't disappoint at all!
I especially love days filled with tasking and the lovely circular feel of it.
One picky point - because I can't help myself - the question mark should be inside the speech marks | 'Where is the good news?' |
|
I enjoyed this immensely; you have put into words what many of us feel without being too overly sentimental, I think.
Excellent.
joanie
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
