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He Bangs the Drums

by hailfabio 

Posted: 18 December 2006
Word Count: 151
Summary: Feedback appreciated, for xmas


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I almost killed you
pushing you through the glass door,
and then I've tried to frame you
every time I committed mischief.

Trust that whenever I try to sell
my faulty jokes,
you will eagerly buy,
and tiresome sighs
just add to our dryness.

You were to be named after a saint,
but a Paul you aint,
because the life you paint
is a colourful one indeed.

So Jonathan it was.
Too long for most days,
and Jonny is what you get.
Much to mum's disgruntlement
you love the Cash,
and so Rotten you can be -
never a priority of yours
to make the girls gush.

What will you make of this poem?
Probably an impatient groan,
but I hope you'll find it's grown
on you in a few years time,
as the flow of wine
lets us pour thoughts
over many memories that have
made us what we are.






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Comments by other Members



James Graham at 14:40 on 19 December 2006  Report this post
We have two family poems posted just now - Zettel's as well as this one - poems that are not necessarily public pieces (though they can be that too) but are meant as gifts, personal tokens. It may be stating the obvious but unlike a gift bought in the shopping mall, this kind of gift really is unique.

But there's nothing 'private' about this poem either. Not everyone has nearly killed a brother in front of a glass door, but we've all done something equally unforgettable. Any reader could connect with any of the things you say about you and your brother. The last two verses especially are completely universal.

One touch I especially like is the identical sound of 'groan' and 'grown' which so neatly turns around what you're saying here.

Maybe the connecting word 'Meanwhile' instead of 'Whilst' at the beginning of the last verse, would make the connection clearer. I can see a connection between the verses - it will take time for the poem to grow on you, but meanwhile let's have a few drinks and go over old times - but it doesn't seem to work as it should. I think 'meanwhile' would do it, or just put a comma after 'time' to make the last seven lines into one connected sentence.

James.

hailfabio at 15:01 on 19 December 2006  Report this post
Interesting thoughts James.

I've combined the last Stanza and added a one above, just a bit more detail. Not sure about it though.

Cheers
Stephen

James Graham at 18:13 on 19 December 2006  Report this post
The last (combined) verse is just right now. I like the idea in the new verse, the play on names. It needs a bit of tidying up, just to make it read better, e.g.

So Jonathan it was -
too long for every day
so Jonny's what you get.


That's about all, except 'disgrunt' isn't really a word. As a poet you're allowed to make up words, but this one sticks out like a sore thumb. Disgust? Chagrin? Come to think of it, the full word 'disgruntlement' might be ok. But the jokes about Johnnies Cash and Rotten are pretty good, and the new verse should stay.

James.

hailfabio at 19:26 on 19 December 2006  Report this post
Thanks James,

Much better poem now, yes i thought i could get away with inventing a word but alas no.

Pushing it for christmas now though...

Cheers
Stephen

James Graham at 21:13 on 19 December 2006  Report this post
I think it's ready to be gift-wrapped. Maybe it won't take long to 'grow on him'!

James.


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