Twenty-One(2?) Days from Now - WINTER
Posted: 30 November 2006
Word Count: 112
Summary: Two poems for the price of... two poems
|
Font Size
|
|
I.
If a snowflake fell for every man,
Child, woman, barking dog and sleeping cat,
For every cancer cell, for every aborted fetus,
All coming down, down, down
To one square tile of my bathroom floor,
I might have an ice monolith, and a puddle
In the morning.
II.
The something equinox when the sun
will stay in the sky for about how long it takes me to yawn.
When blankets stuffed with down and flannel lined slippers
are enough--
indoors, at least.
Outside, I can never get warm.
Even sweating on the ski slopes,
the wind finds a way past, and zippers seem a waste.
Maybe I need a better scarf.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 Nell at 07:23 on 30 November 2006
 Report this post
|
Hi Jordan,
Welcome to the Poetry Seminar - it's great to have a new poetic voice and vision.
I love the ideas behind #1. The poem begins gently - one imagines all those snowflakes, is lulled to some extent, wondering what's coming next and unprepared for the shock effect of line 3, which really kicks in. I wonder if you could dig deeper for the last two lines? Somehow the poem seems to tail off a little at the end - the earlier lines led me to expect more than a puddle. I found myself questioning the monolith, and thinking about that, perhaps the weight of all that snow would imaginatively compress into a monolith - which would be more likely to topple and crush the narrator than melt into an innocuous puddle. Potential here for something that brings home (poetically literally) all the troubles of the world.
Poem #2 - The something equinox... is rather like a yawn itself, as if the narrator is too tired to remember the name - clever. Love the rhyme of 'yawn' with 'down' but ...blankets stuffed with down... seemed odd, I wanted 'duvets', unless 'blankets' is the narrator's way of showing his tiredness again - as if unable to raise the energy to find the correct word. 'Warm' chimes beautifully with with 'down' and 'yawn', and the 'st' sounds of 'least', 'waste' and 'past' overlap and take over the second half of the poem to resonate with 'scarf'. A gently humorous poem - the sounds seem crafted to make one feel warm and sleepy in the first half, shivery in the second. Again though, I wondered if by digging a little deeper for that last line you'd have a stronger poem - see what you think. A great response to the exercise though, and two enjoyable poems.
Nell.
| |
 joanie at 08:57 on 30 November 2006
Report this post
|
Wow, Jordan! I enjoyed these very much. Nell beat me to saying that it's good to hear a new voice in PS. I also liked the rhymes of 'yawn/warm' and 'least/waste.
They are both thought-provoking and go much further than their face value.
I'm so sorry that I keep saying I agree with Nell, but I agree about the last lines, too, I think, especially in the second poem. I can understand that they end on an understatement, almost, which makes the whole thing stronger.
Actually I have just re-read the first one and am already finding that I like the implication of the puddle.
I shall continue to read and ponder, no doubt.
A brilliant response to the exercise.
Joan
| |
 Jordan789 at 05:29 on 02 December 2006
Report this post
|
Thanks much to the two of you for reading and responding. I might come back and write a response to your responses, I might just try to rethink the poems with both of your comments in mind. But in the meanwhile, thanks!
-jordan
| |
paul53 [for I am he] at 13:27 on 10 December 2006
Report this post
|
There's something teasing about these; effortlessly leading the reader off somewhere, then suddenly leaving them.
| |
 Elsie at 20:47 on 11 December 2006
Report this post
|
Hello Jordan
Good to meet you and read your work. I see what Paul/Foriam means - it's almost as if you suddenly feel self conscious and chuck in a throw away line at the end to deflate the poem. (I say this because I think I have/have had a similar habit.) It makes me think of Wendy Cope, for some reason. Anyway, I enjoyed reading, and hope to see more.
| |
Paul Isthmus at 19:49 on 12 December 2006
Report this post
|
Hi Jordan,
What strangem daydreamy poems - very whimsical in their tone and subject matter. They've put me in a bit of a dreamy state I think - which might also have to do with a long day at work.
I was quite surprised at the cancer cell and aborted fetus images, they suddenly conjure up a bleak morbidity, then the poem goes back to whimsy again - though it does charge the puddle and all it infers with extra meaning.
The something equinox also gives a strong dreamlike impression, rather like thoughts on the edge of sleep - and the blankets and down are another improbable dreamlike image that doesn't quite formulate itself as expected - then suddenly we're on the ski slopes, as if transported by a thought, strengthening the dreamlike quality again.
I wonder are you meaning for these poems to be taken together in sequence? They do have a similair tone to each other, but I was wondering how it ends - as others have said. At the moment it just leaves you with a thought about a scarf - rather surreal. I'm not sure what else you could do, but the ending would benefit from being played with to see what else you can find I think.
Paul
<Added>
sorry - strange not strangem.
| |
Jordan789 at 20:31 on 15 December 2006
Report this post
|
Thanks all for your comments. I didn't think there were more coming, but some were in late order, but order enough. Thanks.
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
