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Barry The Badger

by Beast 

Posted: 29 November 2006
Word Count: 559
Summary: This is the first part of a collection of short stories about an unfortunate bader called Barry.


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FOREWORD BY CECIL THE SQUIRREL

Hello, and welcome to the book of Barry The Badger. To begin, I'd like to make one thing clear. Some of you may well have bought this book for your children, thinking that a cute little book about a harmless if somewhat unfortunate Badger could provide an educational tool for your child. Well, I'm sorry if you did, because this book is full of filthy stories about a rather dim animal who will do nothing for the future of your kids, apart from upset them.

Nevertheless, this book had to be published, because the life and times of young Barry and his village contemporaries really needed to be put to words.

Never in the history of Badger life have the dwellers of a sett come across a badger as incredibly unfortunate as Barry. His whole being, as detailed in this book, has been plagued by disaster and devastation. Yet somehow, Barry plods on with his daily life, hoping and praying that it will all be okay in the end. Personally, I see no light at the end of Barry's tunnel, but I, like everybody else, laugh at the poor bugger anyway.

The stories of Barry's life were written by Marc Rowe of Ystrad Mynach. Marc has no affinity with animals, other than the fact he smells like one. And, aside from writing, he lists peg making, shoe throwing and perfume collecting among his various hobbies. So animals were never his core subject.

But Marc happened to meet Barry whilst working as a part time sheepdog on Bargoed Common back in the early 1990's. As their friendship developed and Barry allowed Marc to stroke his furry belly, he became quite excited at the prospect of writing about the Badger's misfortune. Then, one day over lunch and a quick game of Ludo, Marc decided that Barry should become the subject of a book, and this fine epistle is the result of that culinary gathering.

You will notice that each story is exactly 101 words long. The reasons for this are twofold. The first reason is that the tedium of writing 101 words sends Marc into a state of boredom to which the only remedy is a pint of Strongbow. The second reason is entirely symbolic, in that Barry has exactly 101 toes on his left paw.

So that's my foreword complete, and it's back to my nut collection for me. All you need to do now is read the stories, laugh at the poor bastard's string of bad luck, and avoid eating horse shit. After that you'll be fine, and take my word for it, don't show this book to the kids.

All my love.

Cecil The Squirrel


*****



BIRTH

A female badger lay on the earth, her paws in the air, trying desperately to give birth to her baby. "Push," shouted Blodwyn, the rabbit midwife.

The badger had never planned to have a baby. It all happened one Saturday night whilst out clubbing with her friends. It was only a scruffy little one night stand.

"Cheap condoms!" she muttered, when she heard she was pregnant.

Hours passed and still no sign of the baby.

Then, all of a sudden, it came out, the ugliest badger she had ever seen.

"I shall call you Barry," she told him.

These are his stories.


Marc Rowe 2005






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