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Random Reminiscence

by Ambitions of Lisa 

Posted: 21 November 2006
Word Count: 208

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He wanders into my mind
as though I've left the door open for him,
when it was my intention
to keep it firmly shut.

He rummages through my memories,
unsurfacing ones of him and I
which i'd buried
towards the back.

"I think about you! I miss you!"
He sends a text message out of the blue.
Angry but weak, I say
"I miss you too!"

His voice echoes like a speaker in an empty room
and my name rolls off his tongue,
like it used to
all night in bed.

I did wonder if he missed the sex
I knew he did because of things he said,
but not part time
how it was back then.

Did she know I was arousing his thoughts?
right now, I try to block her out
images of her with him
because it could be me.

So long since I saw him, touched him
I long to un-delete his pictures.
I can remember, only
his smiling blue eyes

I can't smell him anymore,
like the times I'd go home and he would linger,
his sweet aftershave
all over me.

The passion was constant, so powerful
it gagged the voice of common sense
telling me to stop,
before I fell

in love!

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Comments by other Members

joanie at 12:46 on 25 November 2006  Report this post
Hi Lisa. I just love the opening verse. That says it all for me, I think! Brilliant.

Many of the images here are just so TRUE! I really did enjoy this, and I keep returning becuase there is just so much here.



James Graham at 13:53 on 25 November 2006  Report this post
I can see much the same in this as Joanie - it rings true. You have some very good lines. Just two examples (there are more):

He wanders into my mind
as though I've left the door open for him

His voice echoes like a speaker in an empty room

In the first of these - and elsewhere in the poem too - you achieve something that's not as easy as it seems, good poetic lines in plain language. In the other, you have used a simple but very effective simile.

There's something I notice about the form. More or less all the four-line verses start with longer lines and tail off into shorter lines. I think this has a significant effect. It's as if, with each verse, the speaker's mood revives a little, she has a little rush of energy, some kind of momentary revival, and then it fades into sadness in the short lines. I don't know how much you were aware of that while you were writing, but it works.


Zettel at 23:50 on 25 November 2006  Report this post

I really like this too. The directness and simplicity in your poems is special. A 'voice'.

It does strike me that without impairment to the pattern and form James mentions this might be pared of a few words, distilled even further so to speak.

I don't like changing other people's poems - but simply for illustration - not because in any way better:

2nd stanza, second line - why not just

unsurfacing ones of us

or 3rd stanza - why not just

a text message out of the blue

Your ear for your rhythm will be better than mine but just a few words, such as those left out above seem to me not to be missed when omitted.

Just a thought. Another distinctive poem though.



Ambitions of Lisa at 10:32 on 26 November 2006  Report this post
Thank you Joanie, James and Zettel

I wanted to create an abrupt effect at the end of each stanza, and when I read it back, I liked the form it had taken even though I hadn't realised the exact effect I was creating when I was writing it regarding James' comments about the energy etc. :)

Your comments are much appreciated.


James Graham at 18:30 on 27 November 2006  Report this post
It certainly has that effect for me - a kind of rise and fall of feeling in each verse, stronger perhaps in some than others but always there. You've found a form that works for the poem, that reflects what it says and the emotional content as well.


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