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I saw all of the universe in one freckle on her left butt cheek

by Jordan789 

Posted: 18 November 2006
Word Count: 95
Summary: I put this poem under the "love" category.

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"I have a cold," she says, and sniffles.
"I have a headache."
"I have cramps."

I have an erection that could smash
a golf ball three hundred and twenty yards.
"You always have an erection,"
she says and rolls towards the direction that's
not on top of me.
Hell yeah
I have an erection that could direct a jumbo jet.
I have an erection that could beat a man to death.
But she sniffled,
and my erection, well, you know what they do.

Because I'm writing a poem and she's snoring in the other room.

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Comments by other Members

James Graham at 19:26 on 20 November 2006  Report this post
Sorry, just catching up with new postings. Will comment soon.


James Graham at 15:36 on 21 November 2006  Report this post
There's not a huge amount to say about this one - it's a humorous piece with great immediacy, and speaks for itself. Here's another insight into how poems get written!

The intensity on the Richter scale of the speaker's frustration comes out in no less than three hyperboles, each more extravagant than the last. (Though maybe the funniest is the one that refers to Tiger Woods!) Then towards the end there's a deliberate anti-climax (so to speak) as the mood of the poem deflates, in 'well, you know what they do', and the last line.

The previous poem you posted - I wonder if you're finished with that for now? I keep going back to it, and still prefer the first version. If you're working on either version, there would no problem if you wanted to re-post a further revision. Such things can take time, of course, but it's interesting to see a poem evolve.


Jordan789 at 04:40 on 22 November 2006  Report this post
thanks for reading.

as far as my previous poem. the reason why I haven't looked over that and attempted another revision, other than being quite busy, is that i actually lost the original draft when I edited it to the current version. I didn't have a hard copy on my computer, I wrote it in the writewords text posting box, and edited it the same. Although I'm sort of disapointed that I did that because I, like you, enjoyed the first version more. Maybe I'll look at what I have and try another stab at it. I often have such trouble with poem revision, because I feel that my poems are so much built in the moment, that returning to them after the moment is gone can really take some life out of it, usually by futzing with the rhythms--which is how I messed with it in the first place. But I could give it a shot.

James Graham at 19:08 on 22 November 2006  Report this post
Here's your first draft! Quite often I copy WW poems into Word so I can print them and sit at an old-fashioned desk with an old-fashioned pen. I hadn't sent it to the recycle bin.


So it was, wasn't it?
A lifetime ago and only yesterday,
and sunlight shines through ten-thousand
feet of fog and the Greek people talk
Greek across the street.
And we are here and talk about buying a new television,
once the mattress is paid for, Sleepy's Gold model maxing
out my first real credit card.

American Express.

And Express trip to debt.

How owing money inspires me to make money!
And I think yesterday morning I found my first grey hair,
how the silver flake managed to weave its way from the roots
and grow as long as the dirt brown rest of the lot
the same way a dandelion or mushroom might.

But now I can't find the strand.

And if tomorrow I find the grey, silver thread, stuck like grafitti to the sink faucet--meaning he decided to take the plunge after losing hope in his color. Then I know the warning of a hair is worth heeding. And although he might have been the first, others are sure to follow.

Ambitions of Lisa at 10:50 on 26 November 2006  Report this post

Firstly, the title of this poem is very original and I think it draws the reader to the poem immediately to discover the meaning behind it.

Secondly I thought it was a realistic topic to write about (frustration), and the humour works very well.

I agree with James' comments above.



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