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Sarah

by Ambitions of Lisa 

Posted: 17 November 2006
Word Count: 82
Summary: If any of you have read my piece 'Faceless Woman' or 'Faceless no more' you will know I found my birth family last year. I also discovered 6 brothers and sisters. My youngest sister and I have become so close over the last year, and as it is a year this week since I met her, I thought it might be nice to write a poem for her. Quite simple but meaningful.... I hope.
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Her hair so fair
mine so dark
but in her eyes
I see my own

Hourglass curves
mirror hers
and her giggle
echoes mine

I lift the phone
to dial her up
it rings
she says "Hello"

A song plays
on MTV
"I love this song!"
we harmonise

She is a gift
a special friend
makes me smile
reads my mind

I appreciate
time we spend
after being apart
so long

Clinking glasses
Rum and Coke
I want to toast
my sister.






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Comments by other Members



NinaLara at 10:53 on 18 November 2006  Report this post
This is a very personal piece so is difficult to comment on - a really wonderful story you have to tell. There is a real sense of a mirror - of suprise that there is someone so like you in the world. Genes are funny old things!
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joanie at 18:43 on 18 November 2006  Report this post
Hi Nina. I know just how wonderful it is to be able to put into words (poetry, even better!!) how we feel.

This is a beautiful example; your sister must love it!

joanie

<Added>

Aargh!! I meant Lisa. I am SO sorry.
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Zettel at 10:39 on 19 November 2006  Report this post
Nina

Extraordinary. This reveals a rhythm that almost sings it is so precise. In the best possible way I had to read this several times to prove, to my ear so to speak, that it doesn't in fact rhyme. Yet the end line of each stanza hits the ear as if it is picking up an earlier sound. Each of these lines falls into place just right. The effect is strikingly effective.

I am not technical about these things but I became intrigued as to how you'd got this effect. These sounds seem to echo each other through the poem

mine/mine
echoes/hello
eyes/harmonise
smile/mind
own/phone
friend/spend
song/long
hello/coke

And it works without having to follow a rigid pattern. Great.

Never sure what assonance really is in practice but there seems to be some of that here.

And the flow is so uninterrupted I think because there are only four double consonant links (no idea what that's called) 'sp' 'sp' and 'st' 'st'.

The effect is that the poem simply opens up to the reader without any bumps or trip-ups. Absolutely appropriate form for the sentiment.

I've never tried to analyse a poem in this way but the pleasure of reading it made me simply have to ask how it worked.

Thanks for an excellent poem. Much enjoyed. And instructive.

regards

zettel
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James Graham at 13:02 on 19 November 2006  Report this post
I agree with all that's been said. You found just the right form for this - short lines, and short verses each containing its own cameo or 'snapshot' and its own feeling. I think the sound 'echoes' (assonance?) help the poem's spontaneity; if it rhymed at the ends of lines it would seem like something you had laboured over. As it is, it retains its spontaneity.

James.
Read the WriteWords interview with James Graham
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Ambitions of Lisa at 13:50 on 19 November 2006  Report this post
Wow, I wasn't expecting to get such positive comments on this piece as I kept it so simple and personal.

To be honest I really can't tell you how I got it to sound the way it does. When I started writing it I had so many thoughts about Sarah in my mind that it just seemed to flow.

I was very happy with the result. Thank you for your comments.

:)

Lis


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Souchong at 23:26 on 19 November 2006  Report this post
i like the shape of the poem lisa.
kind of like a chain or thread.
connecting you both.
souchong
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