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Music Box
Posted: 13 November 2006
Word Count: 38
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Elegantly graceful
she turns
a pedestal pirouette
Saddening melody
haunting eyes
little pink tutu.
Creaky wooden box
wind-up key stiff
ballerina, I blow the dust
from your magic house
the music box.
A teardrop falls
for childhood memories.
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 14:20 on 14 November 2006
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Hi Lisa. This does feel like it is a recent memory or the discovery of a long-forgotten treasure. It's a lovely, vivid, poignant image.
I think you could lose a few commas as the line breaks cause a pause. I like the introduction of the third person so far into the poem, which suddenly lifts it from a description to feelings.
I think it would benefit from some more paring down to make it even more effective:
Elegant and graceful
she turns
a pedestal pirouette.
Sad melody
haunting eyes
pink tutu. |
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That's not right but I was just trying to explain what I meant.
Enjoyed.
joanie
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 Ambitions of Lisa at 12:04 on 15 November 2006
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Hi Joanie,
Thank you for your comments. I had a
re-read and I've hacked at it and changed it a little. Not sure if I've improved it much though :\
Lis
:)
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 James Graham at 19:03 on 15 November 2006
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I agree with Joanie that this is a poignant image, and it has the ring of truth about it too, as if you had written the poem soon after discovering the object.
I think you should keep 'Elegant and graceful' or else make it
Elegant, graceful,
she turns
a pedestal pirouette |
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but 'Elegantly graceful is a bit clumsy, an adverb stuck beside an adjective.
I think it's best without line-end punctuation, because unpunctuated lines help to convey its immediacy. The eyes, the tutu, the stiff key, are things noticed momentarily at the time, and if they're presented without punctuation it seems as if the lines were written 'on the spot', not taking time to build them into complete sentences - which is the effect you want.
I would suggest separating the poem into little fragments, and dropping even the little line-end punctuation you have:
Elegant and graceful
she turns
a pedestal pirouette
Saddening melody
haunting eyes
little pink tutu
Creaky wooden box
wind-up key stiff
Ballerina, I blow the dust
from your magic house
A teardrop falls
for childhood memories |
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No full stop even at the end. The spacing encourages the reader to linger a little more on each detail, while the unpunctuated lines help to convey the immediacy of the object and the feelings it arouses.
I left out 'the music box' because your title already conveys that.
I like this poem as a whole, but can't resist singling out
Ballerina, I blow the dust
from your magic house |
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I can't analyse it (maybe someone else could) but for me these lines have such a simple elegance that by themselves they justify the whole poem. On second thoughts, maybe I can analyse it a bit: blowing the dust away says all you need to say about the sense we sometimes get of the remoteness of our childhood; and 'magic' is poignant because it isn't magic any more, at least not the way it seemed in childhood.
James.
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Souchong at 22:39 on 16 November 2006
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interesting how little changes make a big impact. this poem is evolving. it ran the risk (for me) of a little oversentimentality when u first posted it, but now it is becoming a thing of real beauty.
souchong
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NinaLara at 08:53 on 17 November 2006
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These little boxes have been around so long - I saw one for sale the other day and all my friends Had one when I was a little girl. Doesn't one appear in the Fairy tale 'The Tin Soldier'?
I'm not sure you need the word ballerina ... I also want you to push your feeling a little further somehow (why is it significant, this encounter?). Lot od potential here I think.
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