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Tormented Soul
Posted: 12 September 2003
Word Count: 44
Summary: the struggle continues
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I habit a different level
far removed from most,
odd days I dance with the Devil
a waltz with tormented soul.
Some days I fly with Angels
when chemicals discerne
to live at peace on
Earth's level plane,
the lesson I yearn to learn.
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Comments by other Members
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 olebut at 07:16 on 13 September 2003
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pene
firstly good to see you posting again,
a gritty and emotive poem, ine comment would the first line work better if you changed habit to inhabit
take care
david
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Bobo at 10:40 on 13 September 2003
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Pene -
Packed with emotion, loved 'a waltz with tormented soul'. I agree with David about the first line - 'inhabit' works better.
BoBo x
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pene at 11:26 on 13 September 2003
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thank you both for your comments, I have to agree after a bit of a debate with myself that inhabit is preferable to habit. the reason I was hesitant was that I felt habit sounded more removed (as I do sometimes) from the more acceptable, grammatically correct inhabit???? and the purpose of this piece was to starkly (I hope) illustrate
difference due to chemical imbalance?? and the torment of the sufferer.
I fear I am rambling now, glad you liked it
Pene x
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peterxbrown at 13:00 on 13 September 2003
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Another cracking poem. You communicate the torment powerfully. I am intrigued by your explanation of why you originally chose "Habit". Its a great idea but I would have entirely missed the point too if you had not explained it!. Its super subtle. There must be similarly illuminating ways you can manipulate and challenge language to create the effect you want.I hope you continue to experiment with the "habit" syndrome as it could be an exciting and experimental way of looking at the chemical imbalances.The "wrong" but right word dropped purposefully for effect to challenge and inform the reader.Grammar and literary conventions "imbalanced" and bipolarised.
<Added>
Love and respect pene
peterb
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pene at 17:56 on 15 September 2003
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Hi Peterb
thank for commenting it is nice that people take the time to comment. I wonder if you might like to look at something else I wrote called cold light of day, you may enjoy it.
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Account Closed at 20:25 on 15 September 2003
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Hiya - very gritty, this one - enjoyed it! I did wonder whether as you start with rhyme (level - devil) you might want to continue to provide contrast with the grittiness of it - or whether you need to get rid of the rhyme altogether?
Also, do lines 7 & 8 need to be a bit longer to fit it with the rhythm of the piece??
Anne B
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LONGJON at 05:46 on 16 September 2003
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Hi Pene
Glad you are posting again - there is a sparseness in this that I believe could only come from someone who is intimately connected with the source of the poem. I also find the slight inconsistencies reinforce the piece in the context of its source. Well written.
John P.
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Lisa at 20:00 on 23 September 2003
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Hi Pene - I think this is great, particularly the first two lines. The term "different level" is a fantastic analogy and might make a more interesting and less obvious title for the piece? Just a thought...
I think PeterB has a very interesting point with the "habit syndrome" advice - a great tool to experiemnt with particularly concerning your subject matter. If you decide to experiment further with wrong words/right words/ imablance I'd love to read what you come up with. Fascinating idea. Really genuinely interested in that.
Lisa
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pene at 09:05 on 29 September 2003
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thanks everybody for your comments.
I have taken note and think I will explore using wrong words/right words etc and see what I can come up with.
best wishes Pene
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