Occasional Love by hailfabio - WriteWords.org.uk

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Occasional Love

by hailfabio

Posted: 26 October 2006
Word Count: 111
Summary: Sometimes it just evades.

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She says things
like throw-away wings,
those wings take me up
but she brings me down.

It's her eyes
and their liquid lies
that reel me in,
I never could swim
and it shows,
as I flounder with her.

Words stuck in my mouth,
her ideas filling
my mind,
a day-dream
that's just too many days away.
Maybe a
life-time away.

Still,
the thought of it
swells my emotions.
Who knew
how she could bake me up
only to devour me.

She talks to me
at length
odd days
and the strength wears off slowly.

She says she loves me
and things
odd days,
I might love her,
given the chance.

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James Graham at 17:48 on 27 October 2006 Report this post

You have some very inventive imagery here, especially at the start. The 'throw-away wings' image works especially well - it conveys the idea that 'she' says tantalising (even teasing) things to the poem's speaker, which raise his hopes or his mood, and then she seems not to mean it or in some other way deflates him again. The 'throw-away wings' that 'take me up' express that very much better than I've just done.

The 'liquid lies' image is just about as good, especially with the lines 'I never could swim/ and it shows' which is very suggestive.

Maybe these striking lines could be shown off by making section breaks? A space after 'brings me down'. (I'm not sure whether 'To my non-surprised/ disappointment' adds anything; it's a bit of an anticlimax after such telling lines). Then a space after 'flounder with her'.

The middle section of the poem is more of a piece and maybe shouldn't be broken up. (One or two lines in it could maybe be cut? e.g. 'still...slow motions'.) But your 'odd days' idea at the end might be shown off in the same way as the images at the start - with spaces after 'devour me' and 'wears off slowly'. These closing lines are different from the opening lines - their language is plain, not figurative - but they are just as effective.

Let me know what you think.

James.

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radavies1uk at 14:03 on 28 October 2006 Report this post

Hi Stephen

You have a fantastic pace in this, and I found myself racing through line by line, but I couldn't quite decide where the rhyme broke, where I was to breathe. Perhaps some breaks would help.

Good stuff
Cheers
Bob

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hailfabio at 10:34 on 10 November 2006 Report this post

Glad this was enjoyed, I think the edited version is a big improvement.

Thanks
Stephen

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