Alarm
Posted: 23 October 2006
Word Count: 61
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She called me, just now,
On her lunch break.
I was still groggy, tongue swollen,
Words hurling from my mouth like
The punches of a fat kid.
“Did I wake you?”
“No,” but she sort of did.
The streets of New York are cold,
So she’ll go buy a sweater before she eats,
But my bed,
My bed is so warm.
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 17:48 on 24 October 2006
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Hi Jordan. I love The streets of New York are cold; the only time I have been to New York was at New Year - it's cold! I was transported there, onto the streets. I love it!
I do like the opening; it immediately draws the reader in. Then I enjoyed the thoughts rushing through my mind as I pictured the scene and the relationship ... The title is good, I think.
Did you type this on Word then paste it? I prefer not to have capitals at the start of lines, but that's my preference.
I wondered if the last bit could be So she’ll go buy a sweater before she eats,
but my bed
my bed is so warm. |
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I like the idea that a sweater is much more important than eating!
I liked this.
joanie
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 James Graham at 20:49 on 24 October 2006
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Hi Jordan - Some good points to note here. Your piece reminds me again how immediate a poem can be, how it can seem to give an instant 'report' on a brief happening or a moment's experience - a moment which we feel would otherwise have been lost. Your poem's speaker seems to turn to us almost immediately after the phone call, wanting to tell us about it. (And having done so, I can almost imagine her rolling over and falling asleep again!)
It's well crafted, and there's an immediate impression that no words are wasted. Three lines give us a vivid, pretty uncomfortable picture of how the speaker feels. We get quite a sharp impression from the poem of New York in winter. The tiny bit of dialogue makes a neat point. I like the 'flow' of the two sections, each slowing down at the end, the second section shorter and slowing down more, as if the speaker is wilting and doesn't feel like saying much more. Every bit of the poem works and has a point to it.
You give enough information to make us guess and ask questions. Guessing, for instance, about the identities of the speaker and the person who calls. I fancy I detect a close relationship between the speaker and the person who calls. We can make our own guesses as to why one is working and the other sleeping late.
The only thing I'm not sure about is - do you mean the poem to have another level of meaning? As well as being a cameo of these two young women on a particular day, is the poem also about (say) life in big cities, which are too cold (or too hot) and where people have to manage to do more than one thing in the lunch break - and the human need to have a burrow to escape to and curl up in? It seems to give a nod to that idea, but I'd be interested to know if you thought of it in that way yourself.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
James.
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 Jordan789 at 06:11 on 25 October 2006
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Thanks for reading and responding, both of you.
joanie: I did type it in microsoft word, which auto-capitalizes all of the first words in each line.
James: To answer your question, quite frankly, no. I didn't intend the poem to have more meaning. But since it is, well, autobiographical, perhaps it's a bit unfair, because meaning attaches itself, whether the writer intends it to be there or not, and questions arise. And perhaps what's unfair is that I didn't supply more information, to give the reader the same, or a drop of the same insight that the speaker has. Seems almost like I turned a movie on at some random point, showed the viewers a scene, and flicked off the switch, telling them to have a nice day. Not a very nice thing to do, I suppose.
-Jordan
<Added>
To add something, after rereading: I should add a bit to the poem, but just a bit, to clarify what is going on. I can see many interpretations, of which I wouldn't want there to be. I'll futz with it a bit and see what I can make of it.
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James Graham at 17:45 on 25 October 2006
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'A drop of the same insight that the speaker has'. I think it does need just a drop - not so much as to risk diluting the poem, because there's strength in the brief, 'movie-clip' style and structure. Just enough to lead the reader in the direction you want.
James.
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radavies1uk at 18:07 on 28 October 2006
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Hi Jordan
I love the
“Did I wake you?”
“No,” but she sort of did. |
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I hate when that happens :) Great point :)
Cheers
Bob
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