Take me Away by Ambitions of Lisa

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Take me Away

by Ambitions of Lisa

Posted: 17 October 2006
Word Count: 120
Summary: Self explanatory ;)

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Saliva drenches my tongue
like sprinklers over an arid garden,
Spicy aromas flood my senses,
my heart beats to the bhangra
and the sizzling of your hot Madras

Chef from Bangladesh,
memories of springtime
my latest Indian, relaxing treat,
I've closed the door on October rain
I'm in your shop on the High Street

Volume of hustle and bustle,
it's more than a working kitchen,
you've brought me Eastern flavour
to a dreary, rainy Friday night
taken me to the mystical land I love

I close my eyes, sip your tipple,
my mind spins with spiritual passion,
colourful kaleidoscope, the taste of India.
I almost feel the sand sifting through my toes.
I hear chopping of coconuts, quickening Hindi tongues

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joanie at 17:18 on 17 October 2006 Report this post

Hi Lisa. This is gorgeous; the feelings flood out as I read. I haven't been to India and I'm not very well up on Indian cuisine but this makes me want to try! (both)

Good one!

joanie

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Ambitions of Lisa at 15:00 on 18 October 2006 Report this post

Thanks Joanie, its been a while since I wrote anything to be honest - writers block and not much time on my hands. But I'm getting back into it :)

Lis

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joanie at 20:08 on 18 October 2006 Report this post

I know exactly what you mean, Lisa! Keep at it!

joanie

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James Graham at 10:42 on 19 October 2006 Report this post

Hi Lisa - Great to see such a celebratory poem - one that pours out such enthusiasm and pleasure. There's a fairy-tale quality, I feel, about that door from the dull and rainy High Street into the Indian restaurant. Like the wardrobe door in The Lion, the Witch and..., it opens on to a magical world. Your opening simile

Saliva drenches my tongue
like sprinklers over an arid garden

is wonderfully far-fetched and launches the poem perfectly.

I wonder if a simple reshuffle of the lines in the last verse would improve the ending.

I close my eyes, sip your tipple,
my mind spins with spiritual passion,
colourful kaleidoscope, the taste of India.
I almost feel the sand sifting through my toes.
I hear chopping of coconuts, quickening Hindu tongues.

These sensuous lines are so vivid I think they're much better placed at the end. The opening lines are very striking, and these closing lines would be equally so, and end the poem as it began. (I put in some full stops to slow the poem down a little at the end, but they may not be necessary.)

Should it be 'Hindi tongues' (the language rather than the religion)?

Looks as if you've made an important discovery - a good hot Madras is a cure for writer's block!

James.

Read the WriteWords interview with James Graham

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Ambitions of Lisa at 12:23 on 15 November 2006 Report this post

Thanks James

I have just adjusted this poem and you were quite right to suggest the reshuffle. It works wonderfully well compared to the original.

Also changed Hindu to Hindi :)

Lis

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