|
|
 |
Castle Rushen
Posted: 14 October 2006
Word Count: 169
Summary: I'm not sure about this one. I just had to write something following a Friday the 13th visit to my lovely local castle!
|
Font Size
|
|
Yet another version
Head thrown back
I stare at the stark
grey walls until
I almost
feel the fear of
those prisoners
dragged from dark
dungeons to be hanged
with rope, later sold,
while the tongue
swells purple and children
boo the villain.
Past the stones
I glimpse the stars and
hear revellers in the square.
Second version:
Head thrown back
I stare at the stark
grey walls until
I almost
feel the fear of
those prisoners
dragged from dark
dungeons to be hanged
with rope, later sold,
while the tongue
swells purple and children
boo the villain.
Past the stones
I glimpse the stars and
know that one day
I will understand
Original version:
Head thrown back
I stare at the stark
grey walls until
I almost
feel the fear of
those prisoners
dragged from dark
dungeons to be hanged
with knotted noose
while the tongue
swells purple and crowds
enjoy the show.
Past the stones
I glimpse the stars and
hope that one day
I will understand.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 Jordan789 at 17:19 on 15 October 2006
 Report this post
|
ooh, I like this a lot. Who hasn't visited some old area of strife and grief and wondered what was it all for? Seen fields where battles have been fought and wondered what the grass looked like trodden and stained red. bodies mangled, all of that. yum.
A couple things. "knotted noose." sort of redundant here, could get away with "noose", since those are, by fact, knotted. I know "knotted" helps with the flow, but perhaps another word could be choosen to add something.
"crowds enjoy the show": I like the idea, but i want to see them enjoying it. maybe a child cheering on, or some other image.
Good read!
| |
 joanie at 18:20 on 15 October 2006
Report this post
|
Thanks, Jordan. I was just about to delete this as I thought it was rubbish! You are absolutely right about the knotted noose and the crowds. I'll re-think. I'm pleased it spoke to you!
joanie
| |
|
|
NinaLara at 08:48 on 17 October 2006
Report this post
|
I really like this Joanie (sorry not to get here sooner!). The first 4 stanzas are great - you draw a very clear picture. I'm not sure about the ending though - I'm not sure what the speaker will understand?
| |
joanie at 09:12 on 17 October 2006
Report this post
|
Thanks Nina. I know what you mean; I've had another go! Work in progress!
joanie
| |
Souchong at 11:28 on 17 October 2006
Report this post
|
joanie i really like this too. i read the first version but didnt have time to comment. i think this version is much stronger.
i think u are spot on with the horror and fascination of events from history like this, which are somehow grounded in and evoked by place. to our 21st century sensibilities hangings seem alien.(we want robin hood to appear and shoot the ropes. the criminal becomes a victim. we do not understand the cruelty of such a punishment. etc.
i like the restraint with which you give details - the rope sold, the purple swollen tongue. and i think the addition of the children booing the 'villain' works well - suggestion of pantomime - 'mob mentality' etc.
i also really like the rhythm which thuds breathlessly, relentlessly through the first four stanzas.
i would probably delete the 'the' in front of revellers, as for me it is redundant, and interrupts the flow of the final line.
Past the stones
I glimpse the stars and
hear revellers in the square.
|
|
dunno what u think?
there is a lot in this, joanie. glad u didnt delete it. it is a very striking piece.
best wishes souchong
| |
joanie at 12:09 on 17 October 2006
Report this post
|
Thanks Souchong. I'm pleased you like it! I'll think about the 'the'. I often have this problem; it's about the rhythm, I think. If I take out the 'the' it doesn't just sound right read aloud. (....and they do have to sound right!)
Thanks for your positive comments - much appreciated.
joanie
| |
 James Graham at 20:00 on 17 October 2006
Report this post
|
Joanie, you've let me off the hook. I was trying to think of a diplomatic way of saying I didn't like your ending, but you've changed it. 'Hope that one day/ I will understand' furrowed my brows uncomfortably, and when you changed 'hope' to 'know' it got quite painful. I had a different take on the experience - I imagined looking past the castle at the night sky and feeling any hopes of one day understanding human cruelty diminishing by the second. Contemplating the vastness of the universe doesn't aid my understanding much. But (I was going to say) just because I don't get it, doesn't mean other readers won't.
But now I don't have to say that. Your new ending has so much more finesse. The idea of looking at the stars is still there, but the sound of revellers nearby is juxtaposed with it. We can still have thoughts about the indifference of the universe to human behaviour, whether cruel or kind; but then we are reminded of a subtle continuity - and change - in human life. The revellers echo the crowds at public hangings in the past; but they're not the same. Times have changed...and yet, in a curious way, something remains. People still like to whoop it up a bit in public - once upon a time it might be on a day when some villains were being done to death; now, more than likely, just because it's Friday night. That concrete detail of the sound of revellers stirs the imagination in a way your previous ending didn't.
Ditto to everything Souchong says, especially the suggestion of pantomime, which came across to me very clearly. You often do multum in parvo brilliantly - the four words 'children/ boo the villain' manages to suggest the mood of the whole crowd and the element of entertainment there often was at these events, which would horrify us today.
I also agree you should leave out 'the' and just make it 'revellers'.
I didn't know they used to sell the ropes. That's interesting. I knew that later in the grisly history of public hangings they often sold the bodies (to anatomists)...but the ropes too. Not surprising, when you think about it.
Footnote on public hangings - if they had to hang people it was better to do it in public than deep inside castle walls or in some back room of a prison. At least then it was a communal event, and people could react in different ways. Sometimes there would be a great wave of sympathy for the condemned, sometimes anger (even riots) if people felt an injustice was being done.
James.
|
|
| |
joanie at 20:10 on 17 October 2006
Report this post
|
Thanks, James. I hated the ending too. I almost scrapped the whole thing but I think I managed to revive it. According to our wonderful guide on Friday night, the expression 'money for old rope' comes from the sale of the noose.
Thanks as always for your considered response.
joanie
<Added>
OK I give in. 'the' is deleted.
| |
James Graham at 19:42 on 18 October 2006
Report this post
|
You turned it from a rather iffy poem into a good one - one that captures a moment very imaginatively. By the way, I've vague memories of visiting Castle Rushen on holiday when I was a child, but sadly remember very little about it. I think at that time I was more interested in the Laxey wheel and the exciting mountain railway up Snaefell...not to mention the delights of Douglas!
James.
|
|
| |
joanie at 19:52 on 18 October 2006
Report this post
|
You're welcome to stay any time, James! Re-live all those memories!
joanie
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
