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Smashed

by Amym 

Posted: 10 October 2006
Word Count: 216
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Version 2


Disappointed by the dampness of New Year,
enraged by boys and brave with booze,
I whack the window of a butcher's shop
friends giggle, slurring disbelief and then -
the smash is a surprise -
we whoop and squeal and run away,
through vomit-strewn streets, past fights and snogs,
delirious with power

Once I'd battered you
with useless itchy, mittened fists whilst
you'd swaddled me, cooing lullabys
distorted by the wind and spray
then trying distraction with a ship, too late,
I'd seen the windows, shattered at your feet,
the broken beach-huts peeling, scrawled with
terrifying, unknown words,
as tall as me



Version 1


Like the blackened sea I roared and
battered you with itchy, mittened fists whilst
you swaddled me, cooing mindlessly
lullabys distorted by the wind and spray
then trying distraction with a ship, too late,
I'd seen the windows, shattered at your feet,
the broken beach-huts peeling, scrawled with
terrifying, unknown words,
as tall as me

Disappointed by the dampness of New Year,
enraged by boys and brave with booze,
I whack the window of a hated shop
friends giggle, awe-struck and afraid,
the smash is a surprise,
we whoop and squeal and run away,
thorugh vomit-strewn streets, past fights and snogs,
delirious with power and
scared of no-one



Amy Mason






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Comments by other Members



Amym at 17:20 on 14 October 2006  Report this post
Hello again everyone. I posted a couple of poems earlier this year and then went missing for a few months. I do hope you'll have me back - I need you! Especialy for advice about line breaks and form I think (especially with this poem).

Looking forward to your feedback.

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NinaLara at 09:17 on 16 October 2006  Report this post
Hi Amy and welcome back!

I enjoyed the drama of the first stanza very much. The only line that worries me is the first - it seems a bit bit overstated for a child's cry. I like these lines:

I'd seen the windows, shattered at your feet,
the broken beach-huts peeling, scrawled with
terrifying, unknown words,
as tall as me


I Like the contrast of the second stanza (not sure about 'awe-struck'). I wonder why the shop was hated?

You were wondering about line breaks and form. Nothing seems to stick out here as out of place. Could it work better for you if you put in more line breaks? Not in this case, I don't think. The only thing I would suggest is try a rewrite with the verses the other way round.
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Amym at 12:21 on 16 October 2006  Report this post
Thank you Nina Lara - your comments are very helpful and I'm going to start a re-write.

I was actually expecting people to say the first and second stanzas don't work together - so am glad you just suggested switching them which I think could work well.
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Amym at 13:08 on 16 October 2006  Report this post
Okay - second version is up.

I think it's better but still a bit wonky. Would love to know what you think.
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NinaLara at 08:45 on 17 October 2006  Report this post
I think it does work better this way round. I think it does need an extra hook - something to really point to why one event reminds you of the other. The broken glass is clearly the uniting feature - could you make this stand out more? Perhaps think of changing the title to include the shatterings as you refer to New Year in the first verse anyway? Is there a further significance to the broken glass that you could bring in? Jsut a few thoughts that may help.
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Nell at 15:24 on 26 October 2006  Report this post
Hi Amy,

The poem seems to be about time passing, about growing up and into a world that seemed terrifying to the narrator as a child, fifteen years ago. There's irony here too, in that now she may be the cause of some other child's terror, yet for all that the first stanza is fierce and unrepentant.

I think the verses work well this way around, and there's a masterful use of language - I specially liked ...enraged by boys and brave with booze... ...through vomit-strewn streets, past fights and snogs... the picture painted is vivid.

'Enraged' comes as a surprise after 'disappointed' (which is such a passive word) - makes one start almost, links to that smashing window that follows, jolting the reader. Clever.

I'd have liked more exact punctuation as you do have some - maybe stops after 'shop' and 'late', and to end both stanzas - see what you think.

Typo at 'butchers' (butcher's).

Thought-provoking stuff - a poem for today.

Nell.



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