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Championship
Posted: 03 October 2006
Word Count: 102
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I drank too much,
after I thank too much.
It's the waiting,
that can destroy you
if you think about it.
The consequences, I mean -
inbetween everyday
fruit punch
and pasta crunch.
Hope can
drive you insane,
observing conversation flow
and tone and
evenings on the phone.
He's snoring again,
sucking my thoughts up,
giving them back.
What if I muck it up
this time?
Playdo feeling mattress
is trying to tell me something,
swallowing me up to spit me out in the morning.
As the birds stop to sing,
I look into my eyes
and know this day is mine.
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 12:44 on 04 October 2006
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Hi Stephen. I assume this is about your latest athletics success. After the title I half expected a poem about the event and the moment of winning, but it's the inner life you write about, including some of the negative feelings - the 'waiting that can destroy you', and what I think is your best image in this poem:
He's snoring again,
sucking my thoughts up,
giving them back. |
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That's brilliant! You take an everyday (or rather, every night) human attribute and curse, and give it a new aspect.
One thing struck me. Negative things occupy most of the poem - waiting, apprehension, an uncomfortable bed - and then the last three lines are positive. I wonder if there should be a connecting word or phrase, maybe even a space as well, before the last three lines? I feel you need to show the contrast, the sudden morning turn-around from negative to positive.
swallowing me up to spit me out in the morning.
Even so, as the birds stop to sing,
I look into my eyes
and know this day is mine. |
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Do you see what I mean? You're saying that even after all the waiting, the 'consequences', the snoring, the play-doh mattress, in spite of all that you feel in the morning, 'This day is mine'. I think these small changes to the verse would highlight that.
James.
<Added>
A comma after 'that' would help. In spite of all that, you feel...
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 Souchong at 22:15 on 07 October 2006
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hey stephen,
i like the conversational tone and flow of this. it feels like that five o clock in the morning moment, when you wake up and can't get back to sleep and your thoughts are running on, (especially when u have drunk too much the night before)(though i am a bit puzzled about how that fits with the idea of 'championship' and the need for perfect performance?)i could well be off target here though, as the fact that the birds stop singing perhaps indicate more the 'too excited to sleep moments' at night.
i almost wonder whether you need the first two lines or if you could possibly start with
It's the waiting,
that can destroy you
if you think about it. |
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might be worth thinking about.
i think james's point about the end is very valid. it does strike a very different note which you could emphasise.
best wishes
souchong
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hailfabio at 10:52 on 26 October 2006
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Sorry for late response.
Thanks for the feedback, it is about staying positive in the face of negativity so I'm glad that came through.
In the first 2 lines I was trying to go forward in time before then going backward, so to the night after the competition when I drank too much and I'd been thinking too much before the competition. Perhaps its too complicated?
Cheers Stephen
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James Graham at 19:13 on 26 October 2006
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Oops - I thought in the second line you meant 'I said thank you too much'. You take effective liberties with words sometimes, but maybe this is a little confusing! Strictly speaking it should be 'I drank too much/ after I thought too much'. But then you lose the rhyme. Actually I don't think a heavy rhyme is really essential here. How about two short, to-the-point sentences?
I thought too much.
Then I drank too much. |
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Though the full rhyme is lost, there's still the pattern of repetition. And it would avoid any possible confusion.
There's something universal about that. I've certainly done that once or twice in my life - thought too much, and then drank too much. Cause and effect.
James.
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