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Eating Crow

by lrera 

Posted: 02 October 2006
Word Count: 649
Summary: Submission for the week 118 challenge. Changed word count.


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The town of Hubbard was born with a fatal defect, doomed to an early demise. You could see it on the rotting clapboards and the soot-stained bricks, the Pepsi machine, sprouting out of a weed garden. An American flag sticking out like a cowlick, reminding residents of how great it is to be an American.

The interstate was the mallet that pounded the last stake in the heart of the town. Fifteen miles down the road, a Pizza Hut flourishes in a cluster of fast-food restaurants. The residents of Hubbard find their paychecks there, where the road zombies get their fill of grease and sugar.

Katie Malabar works doubles at the Hut. Her expenses are steep from her teenage daughter, Julia. Katie had inherited her house. The place, like an old photo, faded and cracked. The roof sags and leaks. The silver Tyvek insulation bounces the sun like an annoying kid with a mirror. No rent, no mortgage. That’s the reason she stays.
She’d been divorced twice; the first marriage gave her Julia, the second gave her gonorrhea and a fractured jaw. The courts ruled hubby number two was a loser. A restraining order earned her a pair of blackened eyes from that drunken bastard.

Katie’s voice could rip glass when she got on a rant. Today she was tearing to shreds, again, the reputation of her neighbor Gladys.
“ Sits on her fat ass all day, and what…me–working my tail off. I don’t give a god…” she said.
“ Mom, not again!”
“ Don’t smart mouth me, Julia! It’s bustin’ my behind that keeps you in jeans and that pretend tan you bake on at Ultra Violets.”
Julia grabbed her keys and stuffed a few dollars into her pocket.
“Gotta run, Charley’s waitin’.”
“ ‘member what I said Julia…keep Charley’s weasel zipped-up in those tore jeans of his…and get your pretty-self in the door by one.”

Looking in the mirror, her reflection gloated, telling her not in a subtle way that getting older is a bitch. In a daze, she walked to the kitchen thinking about having dinner alone again.

Staring out her bug-smeared window and a harbinger danced into her backyard. The yelping broke her daydream. Her dog, Kilter, ran around in circles trying to bite his own back. A crow with one wing ripped off had its talons firmly planted into the dog’s skin, burrowing his beak into his head with the intensity of a jackhammer.

Katie grabbed a broom and flew out the door. She whacked at the bird but hit Kilter between the eyes. The dog flattened and groaned, the crow hopped off and tried to fly. Kilter lunged, snapping the bird’s neck in his powerful jaws. Katie was horrified, not because she had never experienced the brutality of life, but for the unexpected quickness of it all. One minute she was thinking about her life, the next she was holding a broom in an overgrown yard watching her dog grind the life out of a crow between a couple of old tires.

Shaken, she tossed the broom and went inside. She grabbed a glass of wine and sat at the kitchen table. She’d kill for a cigarette right now. She heard Kilter cry out again, but couldn’t bring herself to look out the window. Damn dog, she thought. Katie bit into a dinner roll and a chunk lodged in her throat. A clog, a full-blown blockage, sealed her windpipe. Katie panicked, dropped her glass. Gasping for air, she staggered out the door, losing one sneaker. She could only make the muffled sounds of someone choking. She flailed her arms and grabbed her throat. Across the yard and over a rusted fence, Gladys was taking out her garbage. She’d heard Katie’s venomous attacks many times before, but thought it best, being a Christian woman and since they were neighbors and all–just to ignore her.








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Comments by other Members



Prospero at 06:05 on 03 October 2006  Report this post
An interesting piece Lou, I am trying to think whose writing style it reminds me of. But you have certainly captured the seamier side of the 'dream' very effectively.

I loved the tanning parlour called 'Ultra Violets'.

I lost the plot a bit in the final paragraph because of the dashes. The dashes need spaces either side unless they are indicating a hyphenated word.

The image of the dog and the crow was a powerful one. Excellent writing.

Best

John

Elbowsnitch at 08:25 on 04 October 2006  Report this post
Very powerful writing, Lou. You give a convincing picture of Katie's life. Does she need to die at the end? (But I love Gladys's Christian attitude

So many great phrases - e.g. 'The windows reflected a dead town’s grin... The interstate was the mallet that pounded the last stake in the heart of the town... The silver Tyvek insulation bounces the sun like an annoying kid with a mirror... Katie’s voice could rip glass when she got on a rant.'

I also love 'that pretend tan you bake on at Ultra Violets.'

Some odd bits of hyphenation, or are they dashes? e.g. the Pepsi machine–sprouting, An American flag–stuck out.

You change from past tense to present tense in the second paragraph, then return to past tense.

Otherwise, great!

all the best, Frances


Jubbly at 09:05 on 04 October 2006  Report this post
Hello Irera, what a treat this was. Wonderful imagery and some very classy lines there. Special mention to Ultra Violets and Charley's weasal. I liked the title, though it isn't clear whether the dog makes a meal, so to speak out of the crow or just kills it. I like the ambiguity at the end, she may die or she may be saved at the last minute, it didn't matter because the piece was such a slice of life. You made a great point how life can change in an instant and often does and that makes for powerful reading. Though this is a flash, I thought it could very much be part of something longer, I was right there in that ranch house, very vivid and very well written.

Cheers

Julie

tiger_bright at 08:42 on 06 October 2006  Report this post
Brilliant writing, Irera. I really loved this. You described the setting with real skill:

The windows reflected a dead town’s grin. An American flag sticking out like a cowlick, reminding town residents of how great it is to be an American.

And Katie's fiesty, fated battle with her awful existence was drawn with painful clarity.

One minute she was thinking about her life, the next she was holding a broom in an overgrown yard watching her dog grind the life out of a crow between a couple of old tires

Excellent!

Tiger


crowspark at 21:02 on 06 October 2006  Report this post
This is a treat Lou. Great writing.
Some wonderful descriptive phrases which have already been quoted and the scene with the dog and the crow is memorable.
This feels like part of something longer but I wonder whether it wouldn't be even better cut to around 500 words giving it a tight thread to that great twist at the end.
Another stonker! (that means I like it!)
Best
Bill

crazylady at 22:20 on 06 October 2006  Report this post
There's some great stuff in here Lou.
Your opening takes the reader straight to Hubbard with its sense of futility.
The scene with the dog and crow - brilliant.
Nice twist at the end, but hey, better to die than live that life in Hubbard.
CL

choille at 18:11 on 07 October 2006  Report this post
Hi Lou,

Great writing. Do you mind if I have an uber pick, a habit I have when I find a piece wonderful?

I feel that you need to put all of the first bit in present tense to give it more of a punch ie:-

sprouted[sprouting] out of a weed garden. An American flag stuck[sticking] out like a cowlick...
...The interstate was the mallet that pounded[pounding] the last stake...

steep from her teenage daughter, Julia. Katie had inherited her house
This almost reads as if she'd inherited her daughter's house and was slightly halting, but I'm a bit slow.

The silver Tyvek insulation...
Here the Tyvek is a moisture resistent, breatheable membrane & not insulation, but it's maybe different over there.

Brilliant imagery with the one winged crow attacking the dog & really loved the
and all
in being a Christian woman and since they were neighbors and all–just to ignore her.


Excellent stuff.
All the best
Caroline.



optimist at 20:48 on 07 October 2006  Report this post
Hi Lou,

This story has a fabulous energy and style and I really enjoyed the quality of your writing.

My favourite line - but there are too many to list - was, 'The silver Tyvek insulation bounces the sun like an annoying kid with a mirror.'

Not that I know what Tyvek insulation is but I don't care because it reads so well.

The characterisation is spot on and the dialogue and the feud between Katie and Gladys. Like everyone else loved the 'Ultra Violets' and 'Charley's weasel'.

I was at a Jonathan Franzen reading last night and he was saying how you can delineate character in a couple of strokes like a cartoon - and I wasn't entirely convinced - but I could see Charley in that sentence.

Look forward to reading more of your work - and/or more of this story?

Sarah


MarkT at 22:08 on 07 October 2006  Report this post
Thats powerful stuff you have written.

I enjoyed it greatly and even felt a snnoyed at the end - a woman trying her best only to be outchocked by a dinner roll.

Class!

Mark

geoffmorris at 15:32 on 11 November 2006  Report this post
What more is there to say? Pretty goddamn amazing writing in my opinion.

Geoff


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