Prism
Posted: 08 September 2003
Word Count: 42
Summary: This is a re-working of a poem entitled 'Absence', which is on the website...
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Day dawns in a prism of light:
Colour piercing eyelids, shattering dreamscapes.
I stumble from slumber, sleep caught in my eye,
And face myself - within, without.
Spectra of possibility,
Myriad reflections, refractions of light.
Absence. My dreams are black and white.
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 peterxbrown at 23:02 on 08 September 2003
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I miss "The without that grows within" of the original!!
It somehow set the scene of the original "Absence" because of its uncompromising front!It may be a line with a strong personality of its own but it is entirely in keeping with the spirit of the poem. It was not out of place! It was charged with meaning for you and what followed made it work (which proves how powerfully you write). I may have put a space before the final line in the original for balance but I would have changed nothing else. The rework is still a great piece of writing and retains the superb elements including: Day dawns ia a prism of light... Shattering dreamscapes,..... I stumble from slumber. Absence. My dreams are black and white. I just think the additions detract from a brilliant original. "Spectra of possibility" is no match for "The without that grows within", anymore than "And face myself- within, without" is. I love your work and your originality, the way you communicate so much with such concentrated language. Rename this version by all means but do not replace the original. Love, respect. peterb.
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JohnK at 23:14 on 08 September 2003
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Adam -
You have neatly covered the points raised about this poem's parent. I like it more than the first. I like the title, too.
The improvements make it more of a whole, more integrated I mean. My take on the meaning conveyed: Within are dreams, without, a rainbow of intrustive light, and the disappearance of dreams is a recurring tragedy. Perhaps I have read too much into it now.
Regards, JohnK.
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fevvers at 17:40 on 09 September 2003
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Adam
I like this poem, and I love the title. I'm interested in the punctuation - I don't know who it was, Carlos Williams probably, who said there's no emotion in a semi-colon that it's just a colon that's slipping off the page. It seems a colon would work better where you have the semi, makes more sense. I lose my sense of the lovely language at the 'ings' still, not sure how to get over that. This is a poem that is really enjoying its language, its plays and repetitions of sound. I think the couplet form is a bit too 'formally' structured, penning it in - I think the form might want to be as exciting, playful as the language - I dunno. When I read it, I don't hear the couplets... hmmmm.
I think this poem's coming on great guns. Cracking.
Cheers
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Adam at 00:57 on 12 September 2003
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Hi guys!
Really sorry I haven't got back to you - I'm ridiculously busy at the moment! Thank you for your comments - I'm currently working on the poem (amongst others!), when I can. I'll be with you as soon as possible: hopefully, next week, if not before... Bear with me!
Thanks,
Adam x
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Adam at 17:25 on 17 September 2003
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Peter - I'm sorry you don't prefer this version, but I guess that's what Writewords is all about! I think the poem is more what I really wanted to achieve; rhthymically as well as thematically.
John - I couldn't have put it better myself! If I were to "define" the poem, I think your description would be it, although 'recurring tragedy' is perhaps a little strong. It's more 'hell is other people'!
Jacqueline - I think you're right about the colon: it works much better in the poem (I have edited it accordingly). Also, another small change is to put a full stop (as opposed to a second dash) after 'within, without'. I think it helps the rhythm, as well as the emphasis of lines. I have to admit, I'm not sure what you're getting at with the 'ing's... Also, the "rhyming couplet" at the end I think helps the poem finally gel, and gives it a sense of fleeting finality.
If you can be bothered, check out the syllabic counts - I wanted to create a "mirror" effect with the first and second set of three lines. Sad, I know.
Anyway, thank you all for your comments!
Adam x
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fevvers at 17:26 on 23 September 2003
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Hi
I don't mean the rhyming couplet - the rhyme is okay - I mean the form of couplets thoughout - when I read the poem and close my eyes to see wht of the poem is left in my mind, I don't see the couplets.
"If you can be bothered" ? Shame on you Adam, I'm always up for close readings of poems. I'm not sure what you mean about the symmetry - do you want an exact rhymic mirroring or is it merely syllabic? What do you want it to do for the poem?
The thing about the 'ings' is difficult to explain in this kind of media. Think about how it sounds and then think aurally what are the weakest lines. For me it's the 2nd line, especially whenthe rest of the poem has lots of 'in' sounds internally. I know it sounds nitpicky but I think you could open it up by thinking of a different verb or another way of saying those verbs. Having said that it does sound better with the colon.
Hope some of this helps and isn't just drivel.
Cheers
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