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The Outdoor Loo.

by Jubbly 

Posted: 26 September 2006
Word Count: 347
Summary: Here's my attempt at my 'Dread' challenge, just a little homegrown flash memoir.

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Just thinking back to those days fills me with horror and my breathing begins to quicken, though Iím safe and sound and thirty odd years removed. Back then, when nature called, in more ways than one, Iíd imagine myself on screen accompanied by a suitable soundtrack, say - the high-pitched ululations from Hitchcock's Psycho. With a tremulous hand on the door, the torch giving safe access - the light bulb already shining thanks to my fatherís electrical ingenuity I would silently pray for strength. But the sudden brightness gave the creatures plenty of forewarning, they knew I was coming; they were waiting, laughing to themselves- if thatís at all possible. Perhaps the anticipation of my entrance was just as delectable as the act itself. I would gently open the door, eyes darting on lookout. Up, down, left, right, we're in - watch out! Look behind you, careful, up, down, left, right, coast is clear - lift the seat up!

Donít look, donít sit, just do it, no noise, if they are here do not do anything that might stir them from their slumber. Safe, this time I'm safe, now turn around, you can do it, put the seat down, quietly, softly.

More often than not, I would complete my spot check successfully, only then to spy one of the bastards just as I was leaving, it'd be spread eagle, just inches from the door handle, it wasn't there before, so where was it? Hiding? Watching? Waiting? Pervert. Then Iíd make a dash for it, get out, get back inside, go! Go! But one of itís many acquaintances would have seen the opportunity to terrify and seemingly faster than the speed of light, woven a large, intricate web between the two veranda posts, which Iíd manage to run straight into and become as trapped as the tiny fly it set out to catch.

Aaagh! Help! Daddy!

Finally I left that house and never returned and though our loo is inside now I always keep the lid down and a plug firm in every plug hole, just in case.

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Comments by other Members

MarkT at 13:33 on 26 September 2006  Report this post
Spiders! Bastards to a man, agree with you on this one! :)

Liked it!


Elbowsnitch at 14:41 on 26 September 2006  Report this post
They're good for catching flies, though! I quite like having them in the house - if they're not TOO big.

An excellent choice of subject for the challenge and a web well woven!


tiger_bright at 15:48 on 26 September 2006  Report this post
Wonderful flash, Julie! There was an outside loo at my gran's house and the spiders made it their own. Brr! I loved the humour in this line:

Back then, when nature called, in more ways than one

And the reference to the spider being a pervert which seemed fitting.

Just one typo that I could see - "But one of itís many acquaintances" - its not it's.

Great stuff!


lrera at 01:49 on 27 September 2006  Report this post
Nice build up. It leaves the reader with a bit of ambiguity about this particular demon(s), making the reader wonder what exactly is the object of fear. "Hiding? Watching? Waiting? Pervert." Nice matter of fact usage on that last word "pervert"

Nice work.


Prospero at 09:56 on 27 September 2006  Report this post
The horror, the horror. The blue bottles, the smell of damp and mould and the squares of newspaper on a nail. At least, though you had wooden seats which were cool in summer and warm in winter.

Though my most enduring memory of an outside cludgie is Guy Fawkes night 1953. My cousin and I had waited in breathless anticipation for a galaxy of stars. Unfortunately a stray rocket shot straight into the open door of the bog where our ten shilling box of Brocks finest was stored and the whole lot went up in a spectacular supernova, that we only caught glimpses of as my Dad hastily slammed the toilet door. My parents, my grandparents and my Aunt and Uncle were in hysterics and my cousin and I were in tears. Well, he was only five, I was wasn't yet six.



Jubbly at 16:24 on 28 September 2006  Report this post
Thanks Mark, Frances, Tiger, Lou and Prosp, for all your comments, those were the day eh? Prosp, your Guy Fawkes night scenario should be scripted, very funny and I'm glad I brought back some family memories for you,


crowspark at 20:48 on 28 September 2006  Report this post
Love the idea of this being filmed with the wonderful scene of her running into giant web! Immense!
Talking of immense, our spiders have grown particularly large this year. So many Crane flies to munch. They have been an inspiration!
Of course you would have had poisonous ones down-under :)
Enjoyable flash.

crazylady at 16:22 on 29 September 2006  Report this post
Hi Julie,
Thought this had no connections for me, but the smells of Izal toilet roll, the sweaty surface of the red/brown tiled floor and the condensation collecting around the pan on a damp day reminded me of my Granny's outside carsie. I was right back there as I read your flash.

Prospero at 03:05 on 30 September 2006  Report this post

A bit of trivia for you carsie is an Arabic word meaning S*** and is spelt khazi.



crazylady at 06:36 on 30 September 2006  Report this post
Ta John, I learn something every day.

Prospero at 06:41 on 30 September 2006  Report this post
Yeah me too. Great, init.


Jumbo at 17:51 on 30 September 2006  Report this post
Great writing, Julie.

This brings it all back - those treks into the garden at the dead of night in winter!

You tell that to the kids of today ....

Laughed at only then to spy one of the bastards just as I was leaving


All the best


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