Login   Sign Up 



 

Walking Nan

by Jubbly 

Posted: 20 September 2006
Word Count: 498
Summary: My Excursion challenge attempt.


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced




"My heavens, this used to be the Carrington Dining Rooms and Lounge Bar now it's a Starbucks."

Old Mrs Wilson leant on her great grand daughter's arm for support while she time traveled.

"We had our first date here you know. "

Karen smiled and made all the right noises.

"It was ever so posh, two table cloths on every table, a little pink one underneath and a white one on the top, linen of course, he ordered for me, broth followed by snapper I’ll never forget, we drank Rose wine, my first time."

Why me, thought Karen.

"I'm coming up Wednesday darling, meet me at Liverpool station and we'll spend the day together, I've worked it all out."

So bloody sprightly for her 84 years and here was Karen, the bloody tour guide, bored to death and a raging hang over charging at her skull like a miniature bull, angry, hungry and determined to destroy.

Nan's husband had passed away over twenty years ago and Nan had been in mourning ever since.

"Did I tell you Mr Hearnshaw popped his clogs last month? He was on my left two doors down; I went to the funeral, paid my respects, there were only a handful of us. "

Karen couldn't have been more bored, what was it with old people, why did death hold such an attraction?

"Poor old Florence died of liver cancer did I telly you, 60 years I'd known her, tut, tut."

Karen guided Nan to a wooden bench, stained with pigeon droppings and discarded pret et manger sandwich crumbs.

"He was such a good man dear, I hope you find yourself one like him."

Karen smiled weakly, imagining how shocked Nan would be if she knew the men she found leered over her and stuffed wads of notes down her diamante G string, let others search for love, Karen was looking for her mortgage to be paid off.

Nan dabbed her old eyes, eyes that had already seen too much.

"I'll never forget him luv, never."

"Well you got your photos Nan."

Nan took a deep breath and met her cynical great grand daughter's gaze.

“He was such a young lad.

Nan opened her purse and scrambled about for a mint.

“I only knew he'd fallen when I when I saw his name on a memorial in the library, Alfred Geoffrey Fletcher. “

"What?" Karen stared wide-eyed.

“I loved him you know girl, he was my soul mate.”

“Granddad?” asked Karen.

Nan shook her head; a sad smile crept across her mouth.

“When your great grand dad came back we started a family, you had to in them days, more than what poor Alfred got.

Just briefly, in a tiny moment trapped between reality and fantasy, Karen could have sworn she saw a happy, young girl with a thousand tomorrows to look forward to in the place where her Nan stood.

“We’ve all of us secrets my dear, some best shared, some kept forever.”










Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



crazylady at 20:39 on 20 September 2006  Report this post
Hi Jubbly,
Wow, I just loved this tale.
The interaction between Karen and her Nan is perfect. Youngsters think they have a monopoly on life, never suspecting that every generation has its time.

This phrase is inspired;
a happy, young girl with a thousand tomorrows to look forward to


Wonderful stuff.
CL

tiger_bright at 12:42 on 21 September 2006  Report this post
Hello, Jubbly. You did a great job here of capturing the contrast between the two women - and then that tiny slice of common ground in the secrets at the end. Some of Karen's observations were very funny, being so dry. I especially liked:

Why me, thought Karen.

And then this paragraph:

So bloody sprightly for her 84 years and here was Karen, the bloody tour guide, bored to death and a blistering hang over charging at her skull like a miniature bull, angry, hungry and determined to destroy.

Although I stumbled a little over the 'blistering' followed by the bull - maybe make it raging or roaring hangover instead? Blistering is a terrific word but it didn't quite seem to belong with bull.

Lovely tender ending to the piece.

Tiger

Jubbly at 17:29 on 21 September 2006  Report this post
Thanks for your comments Crazy and Tiger. I have taken those suggestions on board.

Cheers

J

crowspark at 19:08 on 22 September 2006  Report this post
Loved this Julie. Every generation thinks it invented sex and your flash plays this up beautifully.

Beautifully paced piece and loved,

Karen smiled weakly, imagining how shocked Nan would be if she knew the men she found leered over her and stuffed wads of notes down her diamante G string, let others search for love, Karen was looking for her mortgage to be paid off.


Small typo, when I when

I liked the tension between these two and the sly turning of tables. Great twist.

Bill

MarkT at 20:15 on 22 September 2006  Report this post
Kids eh?

Very touching piece of work.

Small typo here (telly):-

liver cancer did I telly you, 60 years I'd known he


and this line was brave, lots of punctation but well executed:-

"It was ever so posh, two table cloths on every table, a little pink one underneath and a white one on the top, linen of course, he ordered for me, broth followed by snapper I’ll never forget, we drank Rose wine, my first time."


I can hear my nan when I read this! :)

Well done Julie,

Mark

choille at 21:20 on 22 September 2006  Report this post
Hi Julie,

Nice story with the young girl thinking they invented sex & the eyeopener for her when Nan reveals about her true love.

Did wonder if you needed the 'already' in this bit:-
eyes that had already seen too much.


How would she know?
discarded pret et manger sandwich crumbs.


a raging hang over charging at her skull like a miniature bull, angry, hungry and determined to destroy.
I found the internal rhyme of bull & skull a little bit halting, but probably just me.


Loved this line, very revealing:-
Karen couldn't have been more bored, what was it with old people, why did death hold such an attraction?


Nice read, good contrast between the women, but also the similarities of being women.

All the best
Caroline.

Jumbo at 22:40 on 22 September 2006  Report this post
Julie

I found this very touching.

I liked the way you build up the two characters in parallel - with Karen's internal thougts bouncing off of Nan's dialogue.

And then you add in those little dteails and actions - like Nan opened her purse and scrambled about for a mint. - before leading us into that final couple of paragraphs where Karen sees the 'younger' Nan she had apparently never thought about until that moment.

Great writing

Regards

john

Jubbly at 08:35 on 24 September 2006  Report this post
Thanks everyone who commented on this, shall fix those damned typos and regroup my withered brain.

cheers

Julie


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .