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She lives in an old house
Posted: 19 September 2006
Word Count: 92
Summary: I wrote this a short while ago and have had a little go at working on it but most of it is still as it came out. Any advice would be really good thanks.
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She lives in an old house
that flexes and creaks in the summer heat
sighs and shrinks when winter sets in
She takes care of herself
is not supple
hard to believe she played hopscotch once
with ease
Her skin is delicate as a rotten fruit
and could tear
but inside she’s white like snow
She is so old now
sighs and shrinks from the changing world
Her mind
aging organ or reels of Polaroid
sometimes if prompted
sees flashes of hopscotch
holding hands on warm streets
in a summer skirt
carefree
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Comments by other Members
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 joanie at 20:50 on 19 September 2006
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Hi Xenny. I love the way this flits from thought to thought just as an elderly person would think.
The first and last lines say it all, really!
joanie
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 Nell at 13:32 on 20 September 2006
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Hi Xenny,
You've described her with sensitivity, and it's strange how those first lines immediately identify her with the house; even though she could be well be young, somehow we know she's not. I wondered about punctuation - whether you're leaving it until the poem's finished, or whether you'd prefer it without - I'd have liked some - the upper case letters seem to point up the missing full stops.
I think you could think about losing 'is not supple'; it feels too much like telling, and you've shown it in the folowing lines, yet whether or not you keep it I thought perhaps a stronger link was needed between 'She takes care of herself' and whatever follows - 'yet is not supple...' or 'yet finds it hard to believe...' perhaps?
'Her skin is delicate as rotten fruit..' is (for some strange reason) rather beautiful, and true too - my mother's skin is tissue-paper thin and can tear or rub away fairly easily leaving the flesh below exposed. One has to try to lay it back to cover the raw area. 'White like snow' seems to hint at some untouched or pure quality about her, but struck me as a little clichéd. However, it shouldn't be too difficult to find something more surprising than snow.
'She is so old now...' I wondered if you replaced this with the first line of stanza one, having described her body, it would indeed become her 'house'. Just an idea - see what you think.
I'd lose 'aging organ' as it seems a little overstated and cut to: 'her mind / like reels of Polaroid...', and I wondered if you could lose that second 'hopscotch' and find a way to suggest it rather than naming the game.
As always, the above ideas are only what I'd do if the poem were mine - see what you think.
It's a tender and poignant poem and I couldn't help wondering if she's real or imaginary - she certainly feels real.
Nell.
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 Okkervil at 20:16 on 20 September 2006
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Hi, Xenny, gentle and stately. There's a frail reality to this piece, both the lady and the house around her... I wondered if you could tighten the first stanza, and as a consequence, blur slightly house/woman. Just by removing 'that' from the second line could have an effect. For some reason my mind tells me I'd like to put flexes and creaks and sighs and shrinks into present tense, not sure why.
I agree with Nell about trying to drop the repetition of hopscotch later in the poem, and about 'is not supple';would it be far too decrepit to replace that phrase with something simple like 'as well as she can'? Maybe followed by a rephrasing of the next line to 'who once played hopscotch with ease' or something.
I liked the delicate skin line a lot, and think that 'reels of polaroid' needs something to bounce off. If ye don't think 'aging organ' quite works, some similiarly biological and unromantic phrase'd suit, fitting with the striking image of the rotting fruit.
Anyways, bye!
James
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NinaLara at 08:35 on 21 September 2006
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Hi Xenny,
Good to see everyone's on the ball! only saw this yesterday and already youv'e got loads of great feedback.
I like the opening very much as it draws an instant relationship between the woman and the house and points to a similarity between the two - we are our houses/ our houses are us.
I think the second verse would be better without She 'takes care of herself' and (as mentioned) 'is not supple'. I like the rest of the verse, though too wondered about the 'white like snow'. Why?
She is so old now
sighs and shrinks from the changing world
Her mind
aging organ or reels of Polaroid
sometimes if prompted
sees flashes of hopscotch
holding hands on warm streets
in a summer skirt
carefree |
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I wondered about organ - which organ? Church organ or brain organ? Did you mean to imply a similarity between both? I think a creeking old faiground organ with reels of music going round would make more sense, but because the mind could be seen as a organ there is a confusion. I like the flicking over of pictures at the end and wonder if 'sometimes if prompted' is necessary. I crave even more snippets of her life ... a hopscotch of memories.
Nina
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 Elsie at 15:49 on 22 September 2006
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Hi Xenny
These last lines are the ones that do it for me:
sees flashes of hopscotch
holding hands on warm streets
in a summer skirt
carefree
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Somehow in an instant they made me see her as a child, and understand her in her old age.
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Xenny at 02:59 on 25 September 2006
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Thankyou so much everyone for your replies and advice. I've been away so not had a chance to think much about it but I had a good read of the suggestions today and I'm so grateful! I'll reply properly with a revised version when I've had some sleep and more time to consider it.
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paul53 [for I am he] at 07:59 on 06 October 2006
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I think the main thing about this piece is that you have been so succinct in the first three lines. The rest of the poem explores the opening premise - gives it flesh - but it is the opening stanza that says it all and stays with the reader.
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