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CEREMONY

60 SECOND PLAY
By

Neil Nixon

April 2006






CAST

GIRL: Young (late teens, dressed in cheap clothes).
UNDERTAKER: Male, frock coat, tall and stiff in his movements.
WOMAN: Made up to appear older and much more tired than girl, same fashions and cheap clothes as girl.
VICAR: In cloak, cross and dog collar.
VOICE OVER: Can be male or female, betraying a strong regional accent. Offstage.


PROPS

Orange box
White sheeting
Tombstone



MUSIC

Slow funereal music plays throughout the performance.


THE TOMBSTONE STANDS STAGE FRONT CLOSE TO THE WINGS. THE VICAR STANDS BY THE TOMBSTONE. THE ORANGE BOX, DRAPED IN A WHITE SHEET IS IN THE WINGS. MUSIC PLAYS IN SLOWLY TO A BLACK STAGE, LIGHTS SLOWLY FADE UP. GIRL LEADS THE ACTORS ONTO THE STAGE WOMAN AND UNDERTAKER IN CLOSE ATTENDANCE BEHIND HER. THE PROCESSION WANDERS AROUND THE STAGE SLOWLY AS THE VOICE OVER SPEAKS. THE PROCESSION STAY TOWARDS THE BACK AND MIDDLE OF THE STAGE ONLY COMING TOWARDS THE TOMBSTONE AT THE END OF THE SPEECH.




VOICE OVER: This is within living memory. Not that anyone still alive would care to remember. Nobody talks much now, most that can remember, choose not to say. Those who find out, choose not to ask. My grandfather was a carpenter in those days. He’s the only one I know who speaks about it. He told me of the times he did the work. He’d go to his bench, such a young man then, so willing to work. Nothing much was said. I can picture him, listening to the older men in the shop. ‘It’s another one from the village, son. Can you handle it? You know, the usual.’



My grandfather would nod. He didn’t know so much in those days, but he knew when to say nothing, swallow the feelings down. Maybe, that’s why he speaks about it now. I was sixteen when he told me. I thought myself so clever. He told me he was sixteen when he did the work. I felt grown up at sixteen. At the same age, doing that work, he knew he’d grown up, and he hated it.




PROCESSION MOVES TOWARDS THE TOMBSTONE AND FANS OUT. VICAR BEGINS TO MOVE HIS HANDS AS HE CONDUCTS A CEREMONY. GIRL LOOKS DOWN ON THE TOMBSTONE, WOMAN PUTS HER ARM AROUND GIRL BUT A STIFFNESS REMAINS BETWEEN THEM AS IF THEIR FEELINGS ARE BEING HELD BACK. UNDERTAKER QUIETLY WANDERS INTO THE WINGS AND RETRIEVES THE ORANGE BOX, RE-EMERGING CARRYING IT IN FRONT OF HIMSELF AND SLOWLY LAYING IT DOWN BEHIND THE TOMBSTONE AS THE GIRL BEGINS TO SHAKE AND THE WOMAN TIGHTENS HER HOLD. DESPITE THIS AS BOX IS LAID ON THE GROUND THE GIRL BEGINS TO CRUMBLE TO GROUND, FINISHING ON HER KNEES AND CLEARLY WEEPING ALTHOUGH SHE MAKES NO SOUND.



VOICE OVER: It wasn’t work, not really. No craftsmanship in it. That’s why they left it to the apprentice. When it was babies going in the churchyard, all you needed was a white sheet, a few tacks and an orangebox.

I think about it sometimes, those tiny bodies, in the cold ground…..just an orangebox.



STAGE FADES TO BLACK.





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THE GOOD, THE BAD

60 SECOND PLAY
By

Neil Nixon

April 2006





CAST

MEX: Latin cowboy, ruddy faced, close to Eli Wallach character in The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Short stature.

DRIFTER: Tall, lean, poncho wearing and softly spoken, close to Clint Eastwood character in The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.


PROPS

Rough table
Two wooden chairs, similar rough quality to table
Whisky bottle, half empty with label torn off
Whisky glass, small and cheap looking.
Cigar


THE GOOD, THE BAD


LIGHTS GO UP TO REVEAL MEX SITTING AT TABLE DRINKING WHISKY. HE HAS GLASS IN HIS HAND AND THE BOTTLE IS ON THE TABLE. MEX HOLDS UP GLASS, ADMIRES THE LIQUID AND KNOCKS BACK HIS MEASURE IN ONE THEATRICAL BELT. HE WIPES HIS LIPS WITH SOME CEREMONY.


MEX: Ah! Is good.


DRIFTER ENTERS SLOWLY, STANDING HIS GROUND AND LOOKING AROUND THE STAGE AS MEX STARES AT HIM. DRIFTER HAS CIGAR IN HIS MOUTH. THEIR EYES MEET BEFORE DRIFTER MAKES A POINT OF LOOKING AROUND AGAIN. MEX RISES TO HIS FEET DISLODGING HIS CHAIR AS HE DOES. HE KEEPS HOLD OF HIS GLASS.

MEX: Hey Gringo!


DRIFTER LOOKS AROUND A LITTLE MORE DESPITE IT BEING OBVIOUS THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES THERE.


DRIFTER: You talkin’ to me?




MEX LOOKS AROUND CLEARLY STRUGGLING TO GET THE JOKE. AS IT SINKS IN HE BETRAYS ANGER.

MEX: There are two types of people my friend. Those who drink the good whisky.


HE HOLDS HIS EMPTY GLASS HIGH TO MAKE HIS POINT.


MEX: And those who want to drink the good whisky. The question is….



DRIFTER: Which kind am I?



MEX LOOKS REALLY ANNOYED AT THIS INTERJECTION.


DRIFTER: Are you askin’ if I’m the kind of drifter, comes into town, makes it his business to stir things up, takes on a few punks, runs them outta town, before comin’ for the man who has the one bottle of good whisky and the one whisky glass?


MEX, OBVIOUSLY WORRIED, HIDES THE GLASS BEHIND HIS BACK AND PUFFS OUT HIS CHEST.


MEX: (STRUGGLING FOR CONFIDENCE) I’m askin’.

DRIFTER GLANCES AROUND THEATRICALLY, SLOWLY REMOVES THE CIGAR AND LOOKS AT IT.

DRIFTER: Well…..

DRIFTER SPITS ON THE STAGE TO HIS SIDE.


DRIFTER: I guess I ain’t that kind of man.


DRIFTER TURNS AND WALKS SLOWLY AWAY. MEX STUMBLES BACK TO HIS CHAIR AND STARTS UNSTEADILY POURING ANOTHER WHISKY AS LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.



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BREAST OF FRIENDS
60 SECOND PLAY
By

Neil Nixon

April 2006









CAST

WOMAN: Youngish (25-30), Athletic
STAGE HANDS: Two stage hands, dressed in blacks.
LEFT BREAST: Male voice, camp and effeminate.
RIGHT BREAST: Female voice, strong and assertive.

NOTE: Voices could be done onstage by stage hands.


PROPS

Two large hand held torches.
Table with empty frame on top.
Length of wood, three feet long, six inches wide (approx)
Sports bra
Lacey bra


THE BREAST OF FRIENDS


A LARGE TABLE STANDS IN CENTRE STAGE WITH A MIRROR FACING THE BACK OF THE STAGE. IN REALITY THERE IS NO MIRROR, THE AUDIENCE ARE LOOKING THROUGH THE BACK OF AN EMPTY FRAME. THE TABLE IS PARALLEL WITH THE EDGE OF THE STAGE. THE LENGTH OF WOOD IS LAID ON THE TABLE BUT NOT OBVIOUSLY VISIBLE TO AUDIENCE. THE TWO STAGE HANDS ARE CROUCHED EITHER SIDE OF THE TABLE WITH THEIR BACKS TO THE AUDIENCE.

WOMAN ENTERS, WEARING SPORTS GEAR – JOGGING BOTTOMS, T-SHIRT – AND WALKS TO TABLE, SHE GAZES INTO MIRROR, CHECKS HER FACE AND REMOVES HER T-SHIRT TO REVEAL SPORTS BRA, SHE TAKES OFF THE SPORTS BRA AND STARTS TO ADJUST HER HAIR IN THE MIRROR. THE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK RAPIDLY, THE WOMAN - IN A FEW SECONDS OF BLACKNESS – PICKS UP THE WOOD AND HOLDS IT ON HER BARE FRONT BETWEEN HER BREASTS, EMPHASISING THEIR SEPARATION. STAGE HANDS STAND EITHER SIDE OF HER WITH THEIR TORCHES, EACH TAKING IT IN TURN TO ILLUMINATE THE SPEAKING BREAST.



LEFT BREAST: Ah!


RIGHT BREAST: You’re telling me.



LEFT BREAST: Oh really, like you have it tough. All those twists in the exercise class go to the left. All the pull is on me.


RIGHT BREAST: All the pull, all the pull!?


LEFT BREAST: And I get the hot sun coming in the car on my side as we go down there. I’ve had a terrible day.


RIGHT BREAST: Well, that sports bra doesn’t do either of us a favour, some of us just get on with job, without complaining.


LEFT BREAST: Oh, we’re such a martyr aren’t we?


RIGHT BREAST: No, I just go about being a breast in a professional manner.


LEFT BREAST: A bit more professionalism might come in handy if the boyfriend’s round tonight. He has his work cut out livening you up, luv.


RIGHT BREAST: Some of us set our standards higher than others.


LEFT BREAST: (VERY CAMP) Ooohhh!!! Well I……


RIGHT BREAST: Oh, you’re in luck, here comes the lacey number, he’s on his way round sure enough.


LEFT BREAST: Luck has nothing to do with it, luv, I’m tellin’ you, after the day I’ve had a good massage is the least I deserve.



STAGE PLUNGES INTO BLACKNESS, STAGE HANDS CROUCH DOWN, WOMAN PUTS BOARD BACK ONTO TABLE. WHEN LIGHTS COME UP SHE IS FASTENING A LACEY BRA. SHE GRABS T-SHIRT, TURNS HER BACK TO AUDIENCE AND EXITS AT BACK OF STAGE.



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ORGASMIC!

60 SECOND PLAY
By

Neil Nixon

April 2006



CAST

CRITIC: Pompous, self-indulgent, over-acting, over—dressed, over-intelligent fool. Male.
YOUNG WOMEN: Two, very similar, normal dress.
YOUNG MEN: Two, very similar, normal dress.



CRITIC WALKS TO FRONT CENTRE OF STAGE, REAR STAGE-LEFT AND REAR STAGE-RIGHT ONE YOUNG MAN AND ONE YOUNG WOMAN MAKE SEEMINGLY IDENTICAL COUPLES. ENTIRE CAST FACE AUDIENCE FOR A SECOND, STARING TO BACK OF THEATRE AND TAKING BRIEF PAUSE BEFORE ACTION BEGINS. CRITIC BEGINS SPEAKING WITH EXAGGERATED MOVEMENTS AND NEEDLESSLY THEATRICAL PAUSES, HE HOLDS THIS CHARACTER THROUGHOUT. TWISTING HIS BODY INTO PRETENTIOUS SHAPES AND TAKING HIMSELF FAR TOO SERIOUSLY. HE SPEAKS IN A STACCATO, ENDING HIS UTTERANCES BY BRINGING HIS ENTIRE FIST UP TO HIS MOUTH, BEFORE STARTING AGAIN IN A RAPID BURST.

AS HE BEGINS SPEAKING, YOUNG MAN AND YOUNG WOMAN TO STAGE LEFT BEGIN KISSING AND RUBBING THEIR HANDS OVER EACH OTHER. YOUNG MAN AND YOUNG WOMAN TO STAGE RIGHT BEGIN FIGHTING. YOUNG COUPLES DON’T MAKE A SOUND, AS THE PLAY GOES ON THE KISSING COUPLE BECOME MORE VIOLENT UNTIL THEY ARE FIGHTING WHILST THE FIGHTING COUPLE GRADUALLY LINGER IN THEIR TOUCHES TO THE POINT THEY END THE PLAY KISSING. THIS ACTION TAKES PLACE WITHOUT THE COUPLES SEEMING TO NOTICE THE CRITIC WHO TWISTS AND PONTIFICATES IN HIS OWN LITTLE WORLD.


CRITIC: (EACH SPEECH DELIVERED WITH A PAUSE FROM THE PREVIOUS SPEECH)


Trapped in the constraints, the metaphorical strait-jacket of the single minute, that once deemed extraneous. That once deemed, (HE SPITS THE NEXT WORD OUT WITH DISTASTE) froth. Becomes….all encompassing.

Violence, passion, passion, violence, violent passion, passionate violence. Why, in this context, it is…..everything.

We, the audience, revel in the actions, devoid of the narrative framework, the passage of significant time, we regard the play as a meditation, a revelation, a transitory enlightenment.



It is everything, it is nothing.

(HIS VOICE RISES WITH EACH SHORT BURST OF SPEECH FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS)

It is!

It is!!

An….


(THE NEXT LINE IS SHOUTED)

An orgasm of theatre!!!!!



YOUNG MEN, YOUNG WOMEN AND CRITIC QUICKLY STAND, FACE THE AUDIENCE, THROW BACK THEIR HEADS AND MAKE LOUD ORGASMIC SHOUTS.



WHOLE CAST: (VERY LOUD) Aahhhhhh!!!!!!



LIGHTS GO OUT IMMEDIATELY.





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GRAN

60 SECOND PLAY
By

Neil Nixon

April 2006







CAST


GRAN: Grey haired, smallish, stereotypical granny.
DAD: Gran’s son, middle aged, dressed in shirt and tie as if he’s come back from a hard day at work.
MUM: Moderately dressed, a little frumpy
SON: The older child, sharp haircut, stylish clothes
DAUGHTER: Younger child, dresses like a college student



PROPS

Family dining table and five chairs



GRAN

LIGHTS GO UP. THE TABLE AND CHAIRS STAND ON THE STAGE AT AN ANGLE TO THE AUDIENCE, THE FAMILY COME IN MUTTERING AMONGST THEMSELVES, ONLY GRAN IS NOT INVOLVED IN THE CONVERSATION, THEY TAKE UP THEIR SEATS. GRAN SITS WITH HER BACK TO THE AUDIENCE, DAD SITS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE, CLEARLY VISIBLE TO THE AUDIENCE WITH SON ALONG ONE SIDE OF THE TABLE FACING THE AUDIENCE, DAUGHTER IS BESIDE SON AND MOTHER IS AT THE OTHER END OF THE TABLE TO DAD, MEANING ONLY GRAN TOTALLY HAS HER BACK TO THE AUDIENCE.


(FAMILY ALL SPEAK AS THEY COME ONTO THE STAGE; EACH SPEAKS AS IF NOT LISTENING TO THE OTHERS BUT THEIR CONVERSATION HAS THE RHYTHM OF A FAMILY USED TO TALKING AMONGST THEMSELVES IN THIS WAY)


DAD: How that idiot got the head of sales job beats me, idiot.

MUM: It’s lucky mind, just cos he was two minutes late ringing the bell, they let us off the five pound delivery on the shopping.


DAUGHTER: And I’m like, ‘hello!’ it’s me you’re talking to!


SON: Thought I might meet Jason and the others later on.



THE FAMILY TAKE THEIR SEATS. THEY BEGIN REACHING ONTO THE EMPTY TABLE AND GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF EATING A MEAL. THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY PASSING THINGS TO EACH OTHER. ONCE AGAIN, GRAN IS LEFT OUT AND NOBODY LOOKS AT HER.

DAD: Son, you plannin’ on leaving some money for your board before you blow the rest down the pub?


SON: I’ll see you right for the money.


MUM: You’re not taking your little sister down the….


DAUGHTER: Mum, like, you can just say you want me to do my homework you don’t need to…..


THE CONVERSATION STOPS INSTANTLY AS GRAN STARTS CHOKING ON A MASSIVE SCALE. SHE MAKES LOUD NOISES AND GRABS WILDLY AT HER THROAT, SHE KICKS OVER HER CHAIR AND TURNS TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE GASPING FOR AIR AND STUMBLING, MUM, DAD, SON AND DAUGHTER LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE GETTING UP TO HELP. IN THE TIME SHE HAS WITHOUT HELP GRAN FALLS TO HER KNEES WITH A THUMP WHILST FACING THE AUDIENCE. MUM, DAD, SON AND DAUGHTER ARE NOW ON THEIR WAY BUT IN THE MOMENT BEFORE THEY ARRIVE GRAN LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE AUDIENCE, GRINS AND GIVES A THUMBS UP SIGN AND A WINK BEFORE FLIPPING OVER ON HER BACK AND CONTINUING THE CHOKING. MUM, DAD, SON AND DAUGHTER LINE UP WITH THE ADULTS ON ONE SIDE OF GRAN AND THE YOUNGSTERS ON THE OTHER, ALL CROUCH AROUND HER.


DAUGHTER: (WILD AND DESPERATE) Gran!


GRAN: (IN A RASPING STAGE WHISPER) I just want to say.


DAD LEANS IN CLOSER THAN THE OTHERS TO HEAR GRAN’S WORDS.


DAD: She just wants to say.



GRAN: (IN A RASPING STAGE WHISPER) I just want to say.
DAD: What Gran?


GRAN JUMPS UP AS THE OTHERS REMAIN CROUCHING, SHE STANDS BEHIND THEM AND FLIPS ROUND TO FACE THE AUDIENCE, STANDING WITH ONE HAND ON HER HIP.


GRAN: I want to say, if you know what’s good for you….


GRAN RUBS ONE THUMB AGAINST THE FIRST TWO FINGERS IN THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR MONEY.


GRAN: You’ll stop ignoring me when yer livin’ in the house I still own.


GRAN STRIDES BACK TOWARDS THE TABLE AS THE OTHERS COLLAPSE IN SHOCK.


GRAN: What’s up, you lot not hungry?


THE OTHERS REMAIN STUNNED ON THE GROUND.


LIGHTS FADE OUT.