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Athetoid

by hailfabio 

Posted: 29 August 2006
Word Count: 122


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In my bag,
a change of scenery,
to lift the weary place
that has displaced the cheery face
of the other day.

What a mucky-pup I am,
and I don't give a damn
about the mess in my talking,
the untidiness of my walking.

The way,
as they say,
of the world
is that the physics are sometimes wrong.
Such a pity
when the words of a song
don't rhyme,
but they don't have to rhyme all the time.

My words don't always
rhyme
or even stay in time,
and my rhythm skips a beat
now and then.

Trees, wildflowers and birds and song
may not always line the scenery I hold.
But scenery I do hold,
it's not bare at all.






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Comments by other Members



joanie at 15:31 on 30 August 2006  Report this post
Hi Stephen. I needed to search for the title, I'm afraid, although from the content I reliased what it must probably be.

I think you have painted a very clear picture of your feelings here. I particularly liked 'In my bag,/a change of scenery' although I think I would drop the next line.

I'm a bit unsure about the last four lines; I can't quite get my head round it. Perhaps it's just me!

I was going to suggest that it could be pared down a bit but, on reflection, I think that perhaps it fits in well with the subject matter!

I enjoyed the read and the bit of insight.

joanie

{typo: pity, untidiness)




James Graham at 19:29 on 30 August 2006  Report this post
I like the way this poem talks about one thing and it's really about something else - i.e. in the middle sections, talking about rhyme but really being about states of mind. On the level of talking about rhyme, it's amusing that you say resignedly that songs or poems can't 'rhyme all the time', but say it in lines that rhyme a lot! But on the other level, I think you're really talking about highs and lows, how some days our self-esteem and outlook on life seem to 'rhyme' while other days there doesn't seem to be that harmony or pattern to life that rhyme represents.

Joanie's right about leaving out 'I have'. 'I have' or 'there is' would be understood by the reader. 'In my bag [there is/ I have] a change of scenery'. These are arresting opening lines and they mustn't be weakened by having an extra tag-line added on. I'd also trim the last line of the second verse to 'and/or the untidyness of my walking'.

Back to rhyme - I like the effect of 'weary place/ cheery face'. It makes the bad day rhyme (actually double rhyme) with the good day, suggesting - unless I'm being a bit fanciful - that bad days and good days are two sides of the same coin...?

James.

Tina at 08:41 on 31 August 2006  Report this post
Hi Stephen

I have just spent a long time looking through the various huge dictionaries we have in this house (husband crsossword freak) for your athetoid and still not found a satisfactory answer.

Still your poem conveys well the varying states of mind and I like the idea of life being in 'rhythm/ rhyme' or not.

I am not a lover of rhyming poetry so not perhaps the best person to get an objectove comment from. I love the use of the term, 'mucky pup'!!! and I think the rhythm of the poem conveys a rather jaunty air of resignation which is not without hope for another day with a 'cheery face'.

I enjoyed the ideas in this thanks
Tina

NinaLara at 19:53 on 03 September 2006  Report this post
I like the opening - it really gripped me and drew me in. I really like the use of rhyme all the way through - each repeat seemed to draw me in further and intrigue me more ... till, as with all my favourite poems, I fouond myself reading with my gut instinct rather than my head. For me, this is the best of your work that I have read.
Well done

Nina

hailfabio at 13:25 on 14 September 2006  Report this post
Hi,

I've been away so sorry for late response.

Thanks for the comments, this is another one that turned out well I think.

The title 'Athetoid' is a type of cerebral palsy that causes lots of involuntary movement in the muscles and the poem just tries to portray that it isn't such a big deal and although people often feel sorry for me, I don't feel sorry for myself.

Yes quite ironic that the bits that rhyme are lines about things not always being in sync. A bit of irony is good i feel and it fits in well with the sceme of this peice.

I'm not entirely sure if i'm totally happy with the ending but i wanted to bring a positive close to the poem.

Cheers
Stephen


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