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Drowning (Unpoetic exercise)

by joanie 

Posted: 25 August 2006
Word Count: 317
Summary: I wasn't totally sure how to deal with this so I have posted the original prose, taken from Sawday's 'Special Places to Stay: French Bed and Breakfast' plus the same text, lineated, and my own version.


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Final Version
We spin our way
as this house draws us
unresisting
into its embraces.
We feel the breath
of its books
its music
its art.

Richard's book shop in Angers
forms his memories, colours his outlook;
he charms us with his wicked smile.
Florence's studio entices us
to return next year
and book an art course.

The ancient stones warm us
until we are basking
on the rocks
ready to
slip
into
the depths
when the colours engulf us.

We drown in raspberries crushed in lime juice
washed by sunshine.

Refreshed, we surface,
climb up to the enormous attic
where we drown again
in Florence's water colours.


Original, re-lineated
Unbroken views of the countryside
and not a whisper of the 21st century.
The austere topiaried spinning-tops
flanking the drive belie
the warm, sunny rooms ahead.

This house breathes books, music and art.

Richard, who once had a book shop in Angers,
is charming and funny.
Florence runs art courses from home.

Built on the ramparts
of the old fortified village,
the house has a ‘hanging’ garden
whose beds are themed with colour.

More in the house
crushed raspberry
lime green
sunny yellow

The attic suite
ideal for families
is big enough to hold a Russian billiard table and Florence’s charming water colours.


Original
Unbroken views of the countryside, and not a whisper of the 21st century. The austere topiaried spinning-tops flanking the drive belie the warm, sunny rooms ahead. This house breathes books, music and art. Richard, who once had a book shop in Angers, is charming and funny. Florence runs art courses from home. Built on the ramparts of the old fortified village, the house has a ‘hanging’ garden whose beds are themed with colour. More in the house: crushed raspberry, lime green, sunny yellow. The attic suite, ideal for families, is big enough to hold a Russian billiard table and Florence’s charming water colours.






























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Comments by other Members



tinyclanger at 18:50 on 25 August 2006  Report this post
Wow! The colours are fantastic! I was there, Joanie, enjoying the ambiance and the vividness.
As I said to Nell, I've had a celebratory glass or two, (gosh what were we celebrating....)so shall return over the weekend when I'm more...placid.
x
tc

Xenny at 01:46 on 27 August 2006  Report this post
Hi joanie

It's a really atmospheric piece. I know what tc means about being there - it draws you in. I particularly love

We drown in raspberries crushed in lime juice
washed by sunshine.


- just reading it is refreshing.

Xenny

Nell at 08:23 on 27 August 2006  Report this post
Hi Joan,

This is gorgeous, and thanks for posting all the stages. Quite revealing of the workings of a poetic mind! It's interesting that you've chosen a section from a travel brochure and imagined yourself into it so successfully that if I'd read the poem alone I'd feel certain that you'd just returned.

Reading the results of this exercise I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible for a poetic person to write an unpoetic poem - even Xenny, who says that her poems are usually unpoetic (if I'm not mistaken?), ended up with a piece definitely recognisable as a poem. It's partly the lineation I think, but more than this. James Graham posted an excellent article a year or so ago - I must try to find it again and post a link.



Nell.

joanie at 13:58 on 27 August 2006  Report this post
tc, Xenny and Nell... thank you for your thoughts. Nell, I have re-read James's article (thanks for the link) and it brings home all the more that the book from which I took the prose is just so poetic! I often read the comments on the French 'chambres d'hote' for the sheer pleasure of the descriptions! This is the reverse of what we are trying to do here, I suppose.

James's comments about lineation are always fascinating. He is able to analyse why something works, which is why he is an expert, of course!!

Interesting!

Joan

NinaLara at 07:32 on 29 August 2006  Report this post
Hi Joanie -

I'm afraid I can't say much beyond the rasberries and limes - I am quite overpowered by the taste, colour and smell!
The opening has a real travel book feel - which reminded me of E.M. Forster. It has a feel of that not quite real holiday experience.

joanie at 15:08 on 30 August 2006  Report this post
Thanks for reading, Nina! ..and your comments.

joanie



Okkervil at 20:51 on 20 September 2006  Report this post
This is very lush, Joanie, fun to see how the piece has fed you. Initial tiny thoughts (after my mouth stopped watering from the crushed raspberries line (damn, just typing that kicked it off again)) were that you could drop the 'and' from the last line, second stanza. Also, maybe could ye replace the second drown with a sink? Tiny niggles that they be, I liked this. 'S positively delicious.

The comments about an inabilty for some people to write unpoetically made me smile, reminding me of a conversation I had a few days ago, smiling about a time when I'd spend hours at my desk slaving over stanzas, not even being able to say for sure that I'd written a poem by the end of it. In my head I always thought that 'poet' was an officially designated title for which there would be an administrative board. I would think that my piece may be similiar to that of a 'certified' poet in shape perhaps, but surely it couldn't be an actual poem. I thought that the moment I overcame that uncertainty was a fine one (and please tell me someone else has had that problem at circa fourteen years old or so)! But now, acquaintances of mine show me work which is really just a diary with line breaks in it (and a blush-worthy diary at that, the sort you'd hide in a strongbox under the floorboards in the study) and I have to reconsider a little whether it's always a healthy fear to overcome.

I wander.

Bye!

James

joanie at 21:44 on 20 September 2006  Report this post
Hi James! It's always good to see you. Thanks for reading - glad you enjoyed it.

I think you could be right about that 'and' but I keep saying it aloud and I'm not sure.

As for the second 'drown', how about
Refreshed, we surface,
climb up to the enormous attic
where we are submerged
in Florence's water colours.


Thanks for your helpful and thoughtful comments. Much appreciated!

joanie



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