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Wolf (unpoetic exercise)

by Xenny 

Posted: 23 August 2006
Word Count: 138
Summary: At last! I've written something. I've not made any attempt to work at it yet, but I'm glad that at least something's come from the exercise. Thankyou Nell.


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Down the short stair and across the room, towards me came a figure
loping like a wolf, bare skin stretched to show ribs
picked clean like the chicken we ate for dinner.
Old and head hanging; no threat but a threat all the same.
Split skin and yellow teeth, its breath was like a rotten meal
as it lifted its head I found myself
caught in its stare, and I saw its eyes glowed, full of pain.

Unthinking I reached out my hand

It came closer and I noticed how our skin matched
tone for tone, how our tendons reached and flexed
flesh-free and aching.
Then it spread its hand. A human hand
and I dug my claws deep into the wooden floor.
It had a voice. I heard a voice
but it was deafened by my own.






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Comments by other Members



Michael Kearns at 06:15 on 24 August 2006  Report this post
A wonderful poem. I love the whole image it creates, and the description of the wolf is great.

It also reminds me of the video for "Behind Blue Eyes" by Limp Bizkit, but that may just be me ;o)

The only criticism I could make, and I'm not sure if it's really applicable but it made me think, is that the breath and teeth are described even though the head is supposedly hanging.

Michael.

Xenny at 15:21 on 24 August 2006  Report this post
Thanks Michael

I do think your criticism is applicable - I'm surprised I didn't notice it as I'm normally very fussy about inconsistancies. I think if it had been a straightforward description of the figure - not a description of it moving accross the room - it wouldn't have mattered, but as it is it does feel a bit inconsistant, yes. I'm going to make some changes anyway so I'll try and think of something to do about this too.

Thanks for being so positive

Xenny

Nell at 17:02 on 24 August 2006  Report this post
Hi Xenny,

I love the strangeness of this, and it seems quite unlike your other poems. How did you arrive at this stage? I love ...flesh-free and aching... and the coming together of the two beings at the end, as if they're one, as if the narrator has accessed or met his/her primitive animalistic side and they've merged.

As I keep reading it seems to grow more and more finished all by itself. I'm wondering if you ought to work on it or change it much. A brilliant response to the exercise.

Nell.

tinyclanger at 13:45 on 25 August 2006  Report this post
Very atmospheric, Xenny. I actually felt quite grey and dank as I read it, (if that's possible, hope you know what I mean)

Like Nell I loved 'flesh-free and aching' I also liked 'no threat but a threat all the same' - funny how one just knows that!

I'm not up on the exercise you're doing but wouldn't propose many changes, just wondered if you could get rid of the odd 'and' here and there, really pare it down - like the figure!

A good one!
x
tc

joanie at 14:44 on 25 August 2006  Report this post
Hi Xenny. This seems very different, very compelling. Like Nell (I think!) I had the impression at the end that they had somehow merged. The imagery is fantastic.

I like the detail of
ribs
picked clean like the chicken we ate for dinner.


I agree with tc that 'paring it down' would increase its intensity and impact. Perhaps this is important for the exercise; are fewer 'ands' more poetic?

An excellent reponse, Xenny. I have to do mine yet!

joanie


Xenny at 18:02 on 26 August 2006  Report this post
Thanks Nell, tc and joanie,

Nell - the piece of writing I used was a paragraph of 'the burnt fox' dream of Ted Hughes (previously unpublished). Just from a quick look I haven't been able to find it on the net, but I'll put it online if anyone wants to read it.

I'm glad you got the feel of 'merging'. It was in the dream itself - the idea of the man and fox (in that case) being the same being, and I think I wanted to draw it out more in my poem. But I can't claim to have considered it carefully, as I really wrote it without much thought as to what I wanted to write.

tc and joanie - I'm going to try and take out an 'and' or two. I agree it might be good if it were pared down a bit.

Thanks again

Xenny





NinaLara at 07:15 on 29 August 2006  Report this post
Hi Xenny

I really like this - the fact that the figure is wolf-like gives us an instant clue that we are in a slightly altered universe. By the end of the poem we are clear that the universe is inside the speakers head. I like the lines that Joanie picked out as they seem to ground the poem which could otherwise float off into a Clive Barker type narrative (which would be no bad thing either!)

Nina

paul53 [for I am he] at 07:32 on 29 August 2006  Report this post
Excellent.

Xenny at 04:30 on 30 August 2006  Report this post
Thanks so much Nina and Paul.

I've made a few little changes following people's suggestions (I managed to take two ands out!) but don't really feel like changing it much more.

Xenny


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