Now and Then (Goals)
Posted: 22 August 2006
Word Count: 76
Summary: One of my abstract ones - sorry.....
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When I look through to the stars,
occasionally
in the the daytime
and mostly
in my spare-time;
sometimes they giggle at me
and riddle
at me. Riddling me in,
teasing my skin.
It tingles
now and then,
ideals wriggle away;
but when
I put my things up there,
no-one can touch them
and no-one can rush them.
I know they are mine,
I feel close to them
and sit to laugh with them,
now and then.
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 James Graham at 20:40 on 23 August 2006
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The only thing you should delete is the apology at the top! I think this is one of your best. The impression it gave me on first reading was of spontaneity. It's as if, in a quiet moment, you had one of those thoughts that seem to arrive unbidden. As if, looking at the stars (or picturing them in your mind's eye) your thoughts turned surprisingly to humour and laughter, and a surprising idea, of sharing a laugh with the cosmos, just appeared out of nowhere.
Even if that's not really how the poem was born, it's how it seems. It gives the impression of having been written quickly (even if it wasn't) and of springing from a spontaneous idea. Anyway, that's my attempt to pin down what it was that appealed to me about the poem on first reading.
It would be interesting to know if it was a 'quick' poem, or if you've been working on it for weeks or months. It feels spontaneous.
If I'm right and the poem did 'just come out', as they say, then it has come out very well. It's full of lines that spark off the reader's imagination. The central idea of the stars mocking the poet, but the poet going along with that and deciding to 'sit to laugh with them' is very appealing. But there's more to discover.
I very much like the opening line: 'When I look through to the stars'. We soon discover this is not about gazing up in awe at the night sky. If the line had been 'When I look up at the stars' that would have been commonplace; your line, on the other hand, suggests all sorts of things - seeing the stars in imagination more than in reality, looking at them 'through' your own thoughts, feelings, consciousness. Your idea of looking 'through to the stars' in daytime seemed odd at first, but it isn't odd at all. We can't literally see them in daytime, but we see them in the mind's eye - and the poem is more about what goes on in the mind than what goes on in deep space. It's about how 'ideals wriggle away'; how 'I put my things up there'. It's about 'goals'. It's human-centred. For that reason I think the first line - and the whole first verse - is spot-on.
How about this minor change?
When I look through to the stars,
even
in the daytime |
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There's a slightly different emphasis in 'even'. 'Sometimes' is a possibility too. The trouble with 'Often' is it seems to clash a little with 'now and then'; now and then isn't that often. See what you think.
You should maybe leave out the full stop after 'spare-time', or put a comma.
I've already quoted 'I put my things up there' but I come back to it because it's such an excellent line. I doubt I've ever come across a better use of the word 'things' in a poem. I imagine you have your 'things' that you can imaginatively put out of reach, out of harm's way, 'up there' beyond the world that perhaps threatens to spoil or destroy them. I can think of some 'things' of my own that I'd like to put 'up there'. So could many other people, I'm sure. This line, and the whole verse which is its context, is intriguing and opens up so many possibilities.
I could still go on! Haven't missed the sound effects of the second/third verses - giggle, riddle, riddling me in, skin, tingles, wriggle.
So I think you should get rid of the apology!
James.
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 hailfabio at 10:18 on 24 August 2006
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James,
Wow. I'm very flattered by your comments, glad you liked this so much. Thank you.
I'm not sure why I put the apology at the top, but I guess it's because I write so many abstract pieces that only mean something to me. Hopefully I'm beginning to learn to express my thoughts in more descriptive ways. Instead of being a bit self-induldgent and cock-sure, if that makes sense?
This poem targets ideas that I've tried to nail down and write about for a while. You're correct it was spontaniously written, as with many of my poems, I get an idea in my head and a nice bit of language, then I have to write it town and see where it does. In this case it was the giggling stars, laughing at my goals and ideals that sometimes seem so far away but now and then you feel like you are up there with them. Its fair to say that I've had a pretty crap year so far, being injured for a long time, and have been trying to solve riddles to the extent of will I even walk again - I'm walking again and my 'things' seem close again.
It's funny you mention 'things' - its such a throw away, non-descriptive word but it came in so naturally when I was writing and it just feels right.
How about using 'occasionally' instead of 'often'?
I shall leave the apology at the top for comedy value.
Cheers Stephen
<Added>
*down
*goes
oops
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