 Ellenna at 08:11 on 04 September 2003
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Peter this is beautifully expressed " bleak feelings bleached .." .. not overblown and stylistic.. you have encapsulated those feelings perfectly..
Ellie:)
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Bobo at 09:10 on 04 September 2003
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Peter - oh-so-beautifully expressed. 'miserable rain', 'dreary doubts' - wonderfully descriptive of feelings which can be so elusive for words to capture. It's an inspiring poem.
BoBo x
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 weebee at 21:23 on 04 September 2003
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Hi,
Lovely poem. The only suggestion I can think of is to change the last line so it ends with the happier words ‘through the miserable rain to sunnier peaks above’.
I found that writing wishes is a good solid step to making them come true ;)
weebee
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Account Closed at 22:50 on 04 September 2003
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I thought this was very true - and we all feel like that sometimes! Sounds crazy, but what would it look like if you staggered the lines to give more a feeling of "dragging" - eg
The thunder rumble rolls
through shadowy skies
heaving its charged dark clouds to sadder climes
<Added>
Sorry - I meant:
The thunder rumble rolls
through shadowy skies
heaving its charged dark clouds
to sadder climes
etc etc
!
Anne B
<Added>
More apologies - it's still not working - I can't make the tab or spaces work in here.
In instruction terms, what I was thinking was start the second half of each line underneath the last letter of the one above, so you have "The thunder rumble rolls" and then on the next line tab to "rolls" and underneath it type "through shadowy skies" so the lines are staggered and stretching - Help! Does this make any sense???!!
Yours in helpless technical wimpery
Anne B
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olebut at 23:17 on 04 September 2003
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Peter
how accurately you describe despair
as for anne's suggestion i have tried to do something similar with a poem but the site wont accept staggered indents and as in the case of the poem I wrote the layout is an integral part of the poem I haven't posted it on here,
I dont think your poem is of sufficent length for the stagger to work to effect though however you could try it and see what it lookslike but I think you would have to indent at least 2 words each line.
despite all that a great poem and I would not chnage anything about it
take care
david
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peterxbrown at 00:50 on 05 September 2003
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Thank you Ellie, thank you BoBo. I am so pleased you like my poem. Thanks to you too Weebee. You are dead right about positive thinking but I couldn't have a happier ending- yet.
HollyB, thanks for the idea which I like a lot, especially if the "dragging" effect also reflected an unbalanced or troubled mind. That might also allow the effect to be an exception to David's very sound advice about the poem being too short to use those effects. Thanks David, you are a diamond.
My next cheerful poem is about the killing of Che Guevara!
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Adam at 00:53 on 05 September 2003
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Wow! Succint, yet satisfyingly elusive... (if that makes any sense!) I think this is a great poem that owes as much to rhythm (and indeed alliteration/assonance) as it does the words themselves. Subtle, yet evocative. Sometimes, one can say too much (or indeed too little!) - here, you have found that happy medium... I wish I had suggestions, but I think they would be superfluous.
Well done!
Adam x
p.s. I have written a poem on the same subject, somewhat darker (no hope), called 'purgatory'. If you have a chance, check it out - it's on the website...
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fevvers at 10:46 on 05 September 2003
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Peter hi,
I'm interested in why you changed the rhyme scheme from rhyming couplets in the first two stanzas, and the alternate rhyme of the next two couplets. I'm also intersted in the end-stopped lines. Could you tell me a bit more about it?
Cheers
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bluesky3d at 11:05 on 05 September 2003
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the only way I've found to do a staggered indent on here is to use dots (as in the poems on the Quest..) but then for dots you have to read spaces
so it would be
The thunder rumble rolls
......through shadowy skies
..............heaving its charged dark clouds
to sadder climes
or whatever it was Anne was suggesting
Hope you've found your silver lining now
Andrew :o)
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Felmagre at 13:49 on 05 September 2003
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'the dreary doubts dragged sobbing to
their end'
This is a line I found thought provoking.
I felt the over all mood of depression came across well. Depression appears to be, from accounts' a sometimes, disjointed, abstract thing, no telling when it is likely to attack.
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Susan70 at 21:39 on 05 September 2003
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I loved this poem. Exactly describes my feelings a lot of the time. I loved the way you used rhyme without comprised the feel of the poem or the strength of the images.
s
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peterxbrown at 00:35 on 06 September 2003
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Andrew, thanks for the tip, it does the job well. (I suggested a change of spacing a little while ago and, of course the demonstrated 'change' came out exactly the same as the original. Very embarrassing.) You have solved the problem.
Thanks Felmagre you are right about the nature of depression I think. I have learned to live with it, up to a point, but its always there.
Thanks susan70, I am sorry you are a fellow suffere but I am glad you could relate to the poem, it reassures me that I am capturing the feeling of depression to some extent.
Hi Fevvers, its a very good question and may well expose a weakness in my work. I love rhythm and rhyme and like to use assonance and alliteration. (I always write to be read aloud)
I think the syllabic pattern in this poem is strict enough to make the changes smooth: 11:10, 11:10, 10:10, 10:11. The pattern allows me to shape the poem and use end-stopped lines which make it cohesive.
The alternate rhyme is within the repeated 10 syllable lines which together build up to an 11 syllable finish. The use of assonance in the middle 10 syllable line assists the build up. Many of my poems have their own rhythm pattern and do not have a conventional shape. It seems to work well in shorter poems where there is no repeat of the whole pattern.
When a subject interests me I often find a rhythm for my poems before I know any of the words.I think some of my influences are musical and the "changes" are like chorus or riff following a verse. I also enjoy using strict verse patterns but prefer to experiment.
<Added>
I wish I hadn't written this last boring bit! I should have recognised Fevvers comments were rhetorical. How embarrasing.
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Fearless at 21:13 on 27 September 2003
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Peter,
It's a moving poem....a song that I hope helps to remove the odd cloud and occasional rain that dampens and darkens your day.
Fearless
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peterxbrown at 22:23 on 29 September 2003
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Thank you Fearless you are completely correct, writing is cathartic and I am coping well with my depression at the moment. Best wishes, peterb
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pene at 16:14 on 14 October 2003
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nothing I can add about the poem, just want to let you know I am thinking of you and hope you get some light back into your life very soon.
Take care
Pene
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peterxbrown at 01:11 on 18 October 2003
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Thank you pene , that means a lot to me.
As you know , I read, enjoy and am always moved by your insightful work.
love peterb xx
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