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truth
Posted: 09 August 2006
Word Count: 100
Summary: I was feeling sorry for myself, it was tragic, there was violins, over eating and well you get the picture. So I wrote this, in an attempted to get some perspective on my life.
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Imagine waking up
To broken glass
And pounding ears
No medicine
Or clean water
For your broken spirits
Imagine waking up
To a locked door
And the sound of keys
No long walks
Or smiling women
To liberate you
Imagine waking up
To a strange language
And the guns of foreign men
No understanding
Or compassion
To hold onto
Imagine waking up
To a kick in the ribs
And a snarling dog
No cup of tea
Or kiss on the cheek
To warm you
Imagine feeling grateful
For the things you’ve got
And letting go of the things
You’ve not
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Comments by other Members
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 paul53 [for I am he] at 15:17 on 10 August 2006
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Hi Ollie,
Taking the note in your summary into account, i'd like to dwell on the difference between saying "me, and the rest of you" instead of merely "us". Yes, I know this is a poem written in that "poor me" phase most of us occasionally get in varying degrees. Because it was written then, the barrier that throws itself up between "me" and "the rest" is evident. Though not overtly stated, the "imagine" parts come across as an attempt to describe one's feelings to those who do not necessarily ever feel that way themselves.
While this is as it should be for the type of poem and the mood in which it was written, this barrier - this "pushing others away even as one strives to communicate across the sudden divide" - keeps your readers at a distance ... UNLESS they too have ever experienced those moments when the world's surface cracks and one is left on a dizzy and tiny pinnacle with the rest of the world more than a great leap away.
When the mood has passed, I wonder if this poem would draw the readers closer if "us" was altered to "we", and "you've" altered to "we've", so the piece is a shared experience rather than a distant shout. Just a thought.
Spelling: "to" instead of "too".
Consider "Imagine waking" without the "up".
Consider also losing the capitals at the beginning of each line. [If you use Word - Tools/Autocorrect/untick appropriate box.]
Hoping this is helpful and neither too harsh or too soft.
Paul
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Laura Hunt at 18:34 on 10 August 2006
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I read this before reading your comments and was completely bemused by Paul's reaction. I read it as a plea for those who really are having shit lives. It made me think of Brian Keenan's auto biography. On that level I think it works really well.
The too when I think you mean to jarred, though.
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o11ie at 07:38 on 11 August 2006
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Hi Laura
It is what you thought it was. Maybe my comments were confusing, I was feeling sorry for myself so I decided to count my blessings, in a poem. So I as baffled by Paul comments as you.
Sometimes my spelling is rubbish, or perhaps lazy.
Thanks for your comments.
Ollie
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