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Archive » hailfabio » Work
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Rain

by hailfabio 

Posted: 03 August 2006
Word Count: 15
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When I left
I took my coat, then I realised
it wasn't raining at all.






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joanie at 18:25 on 03 August 2006  Report this post
Hi Stephen. This really made me think and smile a wry smile! I found that I faltered over 'but then I eventually realised'.

To keep the rhythm, I suggest dropping either the 'but' or the 'then' and changing the word order a bit:
then eventually I realised


Just a thought! I enjoyed it!

joanie
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Account Closed at 20:06 on 03 August 2006  Report this post
Made me smile too! But what about cutting "eventually" altogether?? And maybe giving "at all" a line by itself? - as the phrase does carry a lot of emotional weight -

When I left I took my coat,
but then I realised
it wasn't raining
at all.


Either way - 3 or 4 line poem - I love it!

:))

A
xxx
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Beanie Baby at 07:17 on 04 August 2006  Report this post
Love Joanie's suggestion for this, Stephen. Really like the verse itself. It could be about the unpredictable weather.

But it could just as easily go a lot deeper than that and be a reflection on life.

I love the fact it is left to the reader to interpret which ever way they like.
Beanie
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smudger at 21:54 on 04 August 2006  Report this post
This is one of those enigmatic ones that leaves room for the imagination to breath. I like it very much, but would agree with Anne's suggestions for re-jigging it a little.
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hailfabio at 10:15 on 07 August 2006  Report this post
Thanks for the feedback, glad this was enjoyed.

I was thinking of a metaphor for life aswell as the weather.

Cheers
Stephen
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