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you think

by o11ie 

Posted: 30 July 2006
Word Count: 95
Summary: this is based on a resentment of mine :)


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.



You think
You can tell me whatís best
You think you know me
Well let me show you
Iím a sneaky kind of guy
Right now Iím lazy
But just you wait till I try
Thereís a sign on your head
It says
Fragile, handle with care
But thatís not my problem
Itís you who put it their
Iíll draw you in
Twist you up
And spin you out
When you speak Iíll say
Tut tut, shut up
Youíll beg for mercy
Bow down to my supremacy
So think before you speak
You fucking cock






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Comments by other Members



paul53 [for I am he] at 08:00 on 31 July 2006  Report this post
I am not sure what to say about this. Your summary perhaps indicated a subject that is still too close, too raw, and I am uncertain if what I am reading is a poetic observation of your inner feelings or a semi-controlled rant that escalates as you dwell upon it and still needs some addressing.
The problem with poetry is that it has to connect with the reader. Instead of it being received as a "yes, I've felt that way, too" this risks being met with the reader taking one step back while the author calms down and reviews the situation.
Sadly, these days anger and resentment aren't met with the same concern as in previous times. It isn't that we are uncaring, it is more that there is an angry person shouting about something on every street corner day in and day out, and even junior school kids are effing and blinding at every opportunity.

o11ie at 08:21 on 31 July 2006  Report this post
I wrote this a while ago. It's pretty much the way it came out, when I wrote it. So when it was written it was deffinetly a semi controlled rant. you see the thing was, that it didn't ryhme, so I was kinda inpressed with it. As previously I'd found it impossible to write without them. I suppose a re writing is in order, rewriting is something I struggle with :).
Anyway thanks for your comments

Iain MacLeod at 18:10 on 01 August 2006  Report this post
Hi Ollie,

Positively brimming with bile and anger, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I can imagine this being performed but (though I'm no expert, being quite new to this poetry lark myself) as Paul suggests, I think it does need a wee bit more direction.

all the best,

Iain


Dele Campbell at 20:44 on 01 August 2006  Report this post
Ollie
Something about your poem I really identified with, the rawness, the anger, the 'Ouch' punchline, I really found it quite memorable, and I liked the metre, the pace, the energy, in fact I liked the whole thing very much, the simplicity of language, the loose rhyming, it seemed very much like an urban piece, which is not necessarily a bad thing, you could perform this piece or read it or it could go in an anthology of similar pieces.

Modern and punchy, I like it. I read it out loud to a drumming accompaniment, and it works.

Nice one.

Dele


o11ie at 20:53 on 01 August 2006  Report this post
thanks guys, I have performed and it went down well. will try it with the drum stuff a friend of mine mentioned doing something like this a while ago, but I've been to busy to take him on the offer. Did you use a sampling programm to get a drum beat, if so which one?

Dele Campbell at 08:30 on 02 August 2006  Report this post
It was just an impromptu accompaniment with an ordinary hand drum, the single thumping beat accentuated the definition of your verses.

I would practise without a sample, until you know exactly the rhythm and speed you prefer, so the reading dictates the pace. If you use a percussion sample, then the beat is set and preformed and you can't change it. Really , to accompany poetry, you need live percussion or everything becomes mechanical.

This surging piece of work stands very well on its own.

Dele


The Walrus at 19:16 on 02 August 2006  Report this post
I'm with Dele on this one... the rawness... the anger speaks. Loudly. And whilst many would prefer to refine their emotions to the extent of artless mediocrity, I prefer directness.

Christina

o11ie at 08:28 on 03 August 2006  Report this post
thanks Cristina



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