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sea sound

by Ellenna 

Posted: 01 September 2003
Word Count: 203
Summary: Writing exercise.. SOUND..all critique would be very welcome not used to writing prose.

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I lay on the beach, far enough from the tide line and the driftwood so that the incoming tide would not force me to move. Once comfortable on the blanket my body having shifted the sand beneath to fit ..I drifted into a half sleep.The wind was light and just the grasses on the dunes waved in a dithering manner. Soon I was conscious of the even pulse of the sea relenting itself on the flowing tide and then the scrunching noise as it grasped at the pebbles and sand on its retreat. At first this was distant and lulling but as time went by the persistence of the crashing waves and the steady retreat became the only sound I was conscious of. It filled my head.. sometimes the rhythmn would be pushed as a larger wave gathered momentum before keeling over and spreading its frothy fingers over the shingle followed by the rasping gravelly sound as the sea made ready for an even larger waves to push their relentless weight obeying the moon's orders. The fuming sound of white spumes filled my senses and the steadiness touched every cell in my body at one with the oldest of rhythmns known to man

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Comments by other Members

Felmagre at 13:23 on 03 September 2003  Report this post
Fasinating how 'crasping the pebbles and sand on retreat' allows one to think of the sea as somehow in possession of a soul a personality. I find the picture this conjures up interesting.

Ellenna at 16:24 on 05 September 2003  Report this post
Hi there Felicity thank you so much for commenting..I am not entirely happy as i dont feel i have "immersed " myself enough in the sound.. will wait to see what Anna says.

Ellie :)

Anna Reynolds at 13:09 on 16 September 2003  Report this post
Ellie, this is interesting. You have, I think, immersed yourself in the sound, and particularly in the dream/trance like state the sea can send us into. There's a sense of almost overwhelming brutality about the sea sounds, in fact, probably because you've used 'crashing' and 'grasping' quite a few times, and language like 'gravelly', 'relenting', 'persistent' etc, giving me an image of a human being almost in danger of being taken over by the elements. I wondered about maybe challening yourself in a short piece never to use adjectives more than once, and also breaking up your sentence structure a little, which might make the forcefulness a bit easier to read, as in 'At first....... moon's orders.' But the impression of the variety of sounds has stayed with me, it's actually got an operatic quality to it which works really well.

Ellenna at 15:10 on 16 September 2003  Report this post
Thank you so much for your feedback.. Yes I will certainly think about those adjectives and sentence structure too particularly that rather long sentence..its great to see it through new eyes . Thanks Anna :)



got rid of a " crashing" and "grasping"..and tweaked it.
thanks again

buccaneer at 15:39 on 12 February 2004  Report this post
Loved it Ellenna. I was on the beach while reading it. I liked the frothy fingers.

radavies1uk at 17:47 on 05 May 2006  Report this post
Heya Ellie

This has some great sounds in it, it drew me into the seascape pretty firmly.

I would however mention I think this could have extra intensity/immersion were it written in present tense.

Using past tense feels a little uneven to me when in combination with first-person, it's harder to immerse someone in a story you're telling them, than in a story where they feel they are you.

That's just with me though, I don't know if that makes much sense.


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