Marcus

Dad had really been getting on my nerves and I think that’s partly why I did it. It was to help him a bit, but mainly to get him off my back. I figured if he had someone around, maybe he’d leave me alone. Besides most of my mate’s parents had girlfriends or boyfriends or wives and husbands. Why not my Dad? So I placed an ad in the Paddington Times without telling him.

Dawn

I’m not ashamed of what I do. It pays the bills and I earn more than enough to have a life. Plus it keeps me fit and allows me time during the day to study for my Masters. Truth is, I really enjoy my job. It’s amazing the amount of power you can wield just by taking your clothes off.

However I have found dating really hard. Most of the blokes I meet are either lecherous perverts or a sad whacko with nothing better to do then send me pathetic messages and photos over the internet. I’d given up on the internet dating thing after my mailbox got clogged with messages basically all saying ‘I look horny and would I be well up for it?’ Please!

It was after we’d finished work for the evening a while back that Jenna suggested I try looking at the personal ads in the local paper. She admitted that’s how she met Tim. I was shocked, because Tim was the first guy I’d seen Jenna go out with that I actually liked. So after another Saturday night off with just a bottle of wine for company, I thought ‘what the hell!’ and gave the local Times a once over.

Paul

Marcus had been acting very strangely and I couldn’t put my finger on it. He’d become very quiet. Usually I’d come home from work whereby I’d yell at Marcus for not tidying up or watching the TV when he should be doing his home work. He’d then respond by shouting that I never let him do his own thing and that all I did was yell. So I started to worry when I came home the other week and he did what I asked him to do without argument. I got two weeks of bliss before he sprang his surprise.

Marcus

“Hi there,

I’ve never answered one of these before because I think it’s only sad or desperate people who post them. However my friend answered one and she’s now going out with a guy who I think is really nice. So I figured if she can be sad and desperate enough to give this a try, I guess I can too.

You don’t sound or look like an axe murderer and I’m just searching for a really nice guy who can make me laugh and like me for me. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, I’m 29, single with a steady job and I’m studying for a Masters in Photography. I love films and any comedy that doesn’t have Adam Sandler in it. If you think that’s a good match for you then drop me a line. Or not. Up to you completely. I’ve attached a recent photo so I don’t give you any false impressions.

Nice to chat and maybe hear from you soon!

Dawn
x”

Out of the five responses Dad had got, this was the best. The other four were really weird and sad. One had asked if Dad was into role playing in the bedroom. I know I’m only fourteen, but even I realised she wasn’t talking about the latest Playstation game.

Dawn sounded all right and she looked good for someone so old. I didn’t worry about replying and by the end of the week I’d arranged a date with her and my Dad at the Paddington Arms. The problem was getting him there.

Dawn

I was so nervous the night before. My concentration was crap at work and I fell off the poles a few times doing a routine. Thank God my boss sent me home early.

All day Saturday was spent worrying about what I should wear and I even conscripted Jenna into helping me choose an outfit. After hours of emptying my wardrobe we settled on a pair of long black trousers that highlighted my legs without being too sluttish. For my top Jenna came up with a creamy white blouse with faint patterns down the side and across the chest. She topped it off with a silk neck scarf I’d bought on a trip to Greece last year and a pair of black shoes with high heels. I thought I looked like a waitress but Jenna told me to stop being stupid and practically kicked me out the door and on my way to meet Paul.

Paul

I smelt a rat the moment Marcus innocently suggested we go out that evening for some quality time. He said it had been ages since we’d been out and all his mates were away so what was the problem?

I wasn’t sure how to answer that so we left the flat around seven o’clock, but not before Marcus had insisted I dress up in a smart pair of trousers and my nice shirt. He said he’d get embarrassed if anyone saw him walking along with me in jeans and trainers. I’d given up trying to understand teenagers long ago so just agreed.

It was a lovely summer evening along Marylebone road, but Marcus seemed distracted and every suggestion I made about going to the cinema or Pizza Express was met with quiet disgust. It wasn’t until we were walking by the Paddington Arms that Marcus woke up.

“Why don’t we go in here for a bit Dad? They serve food and I’m allowed in as long as you’re with me.”

Since when did Marcus know which pub’s allowed kids and served food? We went in, only two minutes after we’d found a table Marcus suddenly slapped his head, saying he’d forgotten something important at home. He got up to leave. I said I’d come too, but he rolled his eyes and told me to stop being so old and paranoid. Utterly confused I let him go.

A minute later this absolutely stunning red head came walking over and sat herself in front of me smiling and rubbing her arm nervously.

Marcus

I got home and kept thinking that Dawn would have met Dad by now and that either Dad was on his way back to kill me, or he and Dawn were both on their way back to kill me. Whichever way, I figured I didn’t have long to live, so I raided the fridge and ate through a cheesecake. If I was going to die, I was going to die on a full stomach.

It was about nine o’clock that the phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Marcus?”
“Oh hi Dad! Er, how’s it going?”
There was silence at the other end of the line.
“You are in big trouble young man.”
“Why? What have I done now?”
“Don’t even start Marcus, Dawn explained it all. What on earth were you thinking?”
I shrugged but remembered he couldn’t see me.
“Not only did you mislead me into a date this evening Marcus, but you misled Dawn as well! I am very angry with you!”
I kept thinking; ‘hang on a minute, Dad keeps saying her name’.
“So how long am I grounded for this time?”
“We’ll discuss it in the morning. Right now I want you in bed. If I see any sign of movement from your room when I get in, they’ll be even more trouble. Understood?”
“Yes Dad. So, what time are you going to be home?”
“That’s none of your concern Marcus! Bed, now!”
He hung up and it was a few minutes until I put the phone down. No way! Had my plan worked?!

Dawn

After Paul came back, he kept apologising but I told him it was funny. He said as I’d come all this way the least he could do was buy me dinner as long as I didn’t mind his company. I felt embarrassed but I was hungry.

As we got chatting over our steak and chips I began to enjoy myself. Paul was funny, intelligent and to be honest, very good looking. I couldn’t believe he was a single parent! He was thirty five but he looked much younger. Apparently his ex girlfriend had Marcus when he graduated from Leeds but didn’t tell him about it. Two years later she dumped Marcus on Paul and he’d been looking after him ever since.

Paul was being very open with me and I was enjoying myself so much that I was thrilled when he said he’d like to see me again. I said yes but realised I owed him just as much honesty, so I told him what I do for a living.

Paul

I kept thinking about how much I wanted to strangle and hug Marcus at the same time. The whole evening had been a happy disaster.

When Dawn told me she was a stripper I think she thought I’d run a mile. I have to admit it was touch and go there for a second, but when I thought back on the evening and how much I’d enjoyed her company and how she didn’t run out herself when she learned about Marcus, I realised how rare something like this is.

“You know, I rarely tell people I’m a Tax Inspector. What are you doing next Thursday?”

The End