FOUR BIG BROTHERS
(an adaptation of ‘Four Yorkshiremen’ by Monty Python)
BY MARTIN BAUM

1ST Y/MAN: Aye, very passable, that, very passable Pig Swill Hooch.

2ND Y/MAN: Nothing like a good glass of Ch’teau de Pig Swill Hooch, eh, Nasty Nick?

3RD Y/MAN: You're right there, Craig.

4TH Y/MAN: Who'd have thought we'd all be drinking Ch’teau de Pig Swill Hooch and sittin' here talking about Big Brother, eh?

1ST Y/MAN: In them days we was glad to have the chance to get our kit off.

2ND Y/MAN: And our willies out.

4TH Y/MAN: On cheap cider and pork scratchings.

3RD Y/MAN: And Mel’s tits.

1ST Y/MAN: Aye, especially the left one.

4TH Y/MAN: Oh, we never had Mel’s baps. We had to make do with Jade sucking on BJ.

2ND Y/MAN The best we could manage was Sandy pissing in kitchen bin.

3RD Y/MAN: But you know, we were happy in those days because we were on telly.

1ST Y/MAN: Because we were on the telly. Davina once said to me, "Telly will show you up for the right arse’ole you are, son".

4TH Y/MAN: Aye, she was right.

1ST Y/MAN: Aye, she was.

4TH Y/MAN: I was happier then and I were real arse’ole. Remember how turd used to float on surface of swimming pool in BB ‘ouse after an ‘ot curry?

2ND Y/MAN: Pool! You were lucky to ‘ave pool. We had to use one toilet, all twelve of us, no seat, no paper, and we all had to take turn to lick bowl clean wit‘ tongue for weekly task.

3RD Y/MAN: Eh, you were lucky to have toilet! We used to have to dump in t' diary room!

1ST Y/MAN: Oh, we used to dream of dumpin’ in t’ diary room! Would ha' been a real bog to us. Swimming pool? Huh.

4TH Y/MAN: Well, when I say 'pool' it was only a pair of Jade’s knickers but it was still a toilet to us.

2ND Y/MAN: We were evicted from Jade’s knickers; we 'ad to live in t’ storage cupboard.

3RD Y/MAN: You were lucky to live in t’ storage cupboard! There were all of us of us squeezed into the corner of one suitcase for fear of falling out.

1ST Y/MAN: Aluminium case?

3RD Y/MAN: Aye.

1ST Y/MAN: You were lucky. We lived for t’ duration in vegetable patch. We used to do three tasks, seven hours a day each, day-in day-out, only for Big Brother to reward us with a video of Jade’s veruka.

2ND Y/MAN: Luxury. We used to have to get out of chicken coop at six o'clock in t’ morning, clean coop with Marjory’s bare arse, eat a handful cold lentils, do twenty tasks a day on t’ roof, and Big Brother would wire up our nipples to the microwave oven, if we were lucky!

3RD Y/MAN: Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to 'ave to get up out of semtex suitcase at twelve o'clock at night and lick all chicken coop and chicken arses clean wit' tongue. We were allowed ‘alf an eggcup of soiled lentils, did tasks wearing nothing more than barbed wired gloves twenty-four hours a day in a disused asbestos pit at bottom of garden, and when we finished Big Brother would baste our genitals with half a pound of lard if we did tasks proper!

4TH Y/MAN: Right. I had to kill, pluck and stuff all t'other contestants an hour before I went to bed, drink the blood of beelzeebub in cup laced with pure animal excrement, do tasks twenty-nine hours a day in a timed minefield, and beg Big Brother on bended knee for permission to do it, and when I finished, Big Brother would pay us fuck all for making us look total pratts singing Hallelujah.

1ST Y/MAN: And you try and telling those young people on BB6 that and they won't believe you.

ALL: They won't!

END