The glare of the article light hurt her eyes, making her aching head all the more apparent, coupled with the deep chill penetrating the air of the Kitchen and the happy chatter of her child made for a nightmare made in hell. It took every ounce of energy she had just to fix a bowl of rice crispies and hand them to her daughter. She just barely managed to make herself a nice boiling hot cup of tea before she collapsed into the nearest chair.
How had she spawned such an early bird of a child? Kathy was the one who loved her early mornings and yet she got kids that had to be dragged from their beds they slept so late. While she, who loved her sleep so much she had made it her hobby pre motherhood got a child that leaped from bed at around 6 every morning bursting with energy and eager to share every thought that ran round her sparkly little brain.
Karen watched as her child crashed onto the floor of the cubby, a smattering of crispies slopping onto the floor. August looked at the mess she had created and looked up at her mother with an, oh so cute, oops grimace on her face. Karen shook her head and chuckled gentle calling her a muppet. August response with an inane giggled and returned her attention to Evan’s abandon cars.
Karen wrapped her fingers round her mug for warm as another shiver crept up her spine. She considered the possibility that it was her body that was cold rather than the kitchen. They had sat out side for a good hour until their extremities had a distinct blue tinge before lily came to retrieved them. James had made them hot toddies to warm up, while Lily stoked up the fire in the living room for them to sit beside.
Her stomach complained half heatedly as she remembered how many hot toddies it had taken to revive her. Kathy and Lily had sloped off to bed sometime around 1 but she had sat on with James till around 3. Seriously, her body told her, she needed more sleep. She rubbed her poor aching head and felt a lump of self pity bubble in her throat.
She closed her eyes to try and compose herself. She needed a smoke. Forcing herself up, she went to retrieved her cigarettes from the living room where the fire was still glowing. She poked at it as she light up and huddled closed to draw up some heat from it. Lily had chosen one of the smallest rooms to be her living room, stuffing in a large but extremely comfy leather sofa and two armchairs. They had no TV, so the two alcoves beside the fire were filled with books and photos which sat on hand made thick wooden shelving.
She picked up the photo nearest to her and looked at her youthful self grinning back at her, arms wrapped around Helen and Kathy, with James, Paddy and Mark making faces behind them. Her fingers touched the class as part of her ached for those carefree days. Why had it all got so complicated?
James had asked her the same question a matter of hours ago. He had looked so deflated, as he slumped in his chair a bottle of whisky in his hands. But she had reminded him that with Lily it had always been complicated. He’d shook his head and groaned angrily before he’d announced he was fed up with the subject and started to grill her about her life.
She had managed to tell him a little of what was going on before she stopped making sense all together. He had come to sit beside her on the sofa and drew her into him. She had rested her head on his chest as he told her she deserved better than Shitbrick in his opinion but if she thought it was worth giving him a chance to prove himself worthy she should dame well do it. He’d lifted her head up with a hand under her chin and planted a kiss on her forehead as he told her fighting for a marriage was nothing to be ashamed of.
She had thought about asking him why he didn’t fight for his, but bite her tongue to afraid to ruin the moment. She had felt surer of herself, as she sat there with him, than she had in a long time and more comforted by his little hug than by all the millions of hugs people had given her in sympathy through out the whole saga. Now, in the foggy haze of her hangover she wasn’t sure if it was the drink or being with somebody who had complete faith in you.
As if on some silent stage cue, his head appeared around the door frame. She couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of him. His sandy hair stuck out at odd angles all over his head, he had a long red crease down one side of his face and his eye were still encrusted with sleep. He rubbed them sleepily as he pushed the door open further, revealing his naked torso and blue and white stripped pyjama bottoms.
“Fucking kids.” he muttered yawning, he blinked at her a few times as he scratched his head, “tea?”
“Aye another cup might help all right.” she answered pulling herself out of the arm chair and discarding her cigarette in the dieing fire.
They walked into the kitchen, finding Evan and August on the verge of war over the toy cars. James bent down and sternly told his son he had to share. They were the image of each other really, save for Evan’s brown eyes which he got from his mother. Mini James stuck his bottom lip out and thrust a car at August, while big Evan patted his head and asked what he wanted for breakfast.
James was just a different breed of male, Karen mused as she watched him prepare his son’s rice crispies. Shitbrick was hard working, and funny, smart and charming he was even occasionally sweet and loving but he was completely self involved, completely motivated by what he got out of things. James was not only hard working funny, smart, charming, sweet and loving but also generous, considerate altruistic and caring. He had behind all those attributes lay a strength of character and moral compass that gave him the back bone a lot of men these days lacked.
Shitbrick was spineless, he didn’t have the strength to with stand the slightest hardship or the flexibility to adjust when life come up short of his expectations. Her husband was a boy while James was a man. She needed a man. Once upon of time she had saw the potential for Shitbrick to mature into something akin to the breed of man James was but, the question she had to ask herself now was whether she believed he was still capable of it.
James looked at her strangely as he set the cup of fresh tea in front of her. She ran her hand across the uber smooth granite that covered the top of the ‘island’ and lifted the cup. He sat down adjacent to her and scratched his stubbly chin.
“You shouldn’t compare me to other men.” he told her his voice thick with tiredness, “Nobody can match up to perfection.”
“Vain? much?” She wiggled her eyebrows at him in fake disgust.
“Seriously though,” he creased his thick sun bleached brow at her, “I hate the man…but I suspect that if you chose him he must have something going for him.”
“How did you know I was thinking that?” she asked yawning.
“You have a one track mind.” He smiled, patting her shoulder, “guaranteed that if you were thinking about him last night, you’re thinking about him now. And by the way you were measuring me up just now…well it doesn’t take a physic.”
“I must add mind reader to my list.” she murmured rubbing her eyes in an effort to wake up properly. “Now, you question. Whats the craic with you and Laylowlil?”
“Christ.” he breathed into his cup as he supped his coffee. He considered her question as he scratched his head, looking at something just above his right eyebrow. “To be honest, I got a bit riled with her last night and I think we may need to do a bit of damage control.”
“Oh dear.” she sucked her teeth in sympathy.
“But she did stick around after the fight and snuggle up nice and closely in bed. So that’s looking good. We’ll let thinks cool off for a day or two: enjoy having Kathy and yourself here, and hopeful trash it out calmly then forget all about it.” He beamed optimistically at her, “we’ve been going strong for over 3 years now, bound to hit a little bump on the road sooner or later.”
“She doesn’t deserve you.” Karen yawned again.
“Ah you know Karen,” he said thoughtfully, “she’s good to me.”
“Aye,” she concurred.
“And to be honest my life in infinitely better with her in it.” she meet his grey blue eyes so full of sincerity that it made her heart leap with anxiety for him.
“God I wish a certain somebody felt that way about me.” she said after a moment to break the silence, before a jaw cracking yawn broke out of her.
“If he doesn’t he’s a fool.” He said standing up, “Now back to bed with you.”
“August.” she half heartily resisted as he took her by the shoulder.
“She’ll be fine with me.” he said pulling her chair out and directing her towards the door.
“But you’ve had as much sleep as I’ve had…” she turned to look at him as something hit her, “Hey why didn’t Lily get up with the kid?”
“Oh come on he’s smart enough to know not to wake the beast.” James shook his head at her, “Now go.”
“You sure?” she gave in all too easily.
“Yeah, absolutely…I’m an early bird,” his eyelids slide closed as his sun tanned features lapsed into a shrug, “And still a little bit drunk…so I can stay up till they get up and be back in bed before my hangover hits.”
She let him push her out the door. She climbed the winding staircase and slipped into the little box room that doubled as a spare room when it wasn’t a study. She felt her whole body rejoice as she slide back in between the sheets and onto the thin sofa bed mattress that seemed for once like the height of luxury. Her lids slide shut and her brain dived into blissful unconsciousness.
Seconds later, or so it seemed as her brain struggled to wake, an insistent tapping started on her left arm. As she came up another step closer to consciousness she realised it was accompanied with a tentative, ‘mummy, wakey, wakey…Mummy.’ she waves the hand away and mumbled something suitable go awayish to her daughter. There was a brief pause and then a sniffle followed by a slammed door. Great now she’d upset August…she rolled over in bed trying to open her eyes as her head swam with little fishes of pain. No, she could not conjure up the energy to feel guilty just at that moment on time.
“Karen.” Started the, sharper more forceful, voice of Kathy, an unknown time later. “Karen I think you should get up…”
“humm…fu…no…ummm.” she groaned pulling the blanket up across her aching body. She was just deliciously warm and if she stayed still enough she could almost forget the hangover.
“For fuck sake, Karen.” Kathy snapped dragging the blanket off her causing her to yelp in helplessness, “Its world war three down there…how the hell can you sleep.”
“What?” Karen sat up, rubbing her hand across her eyes as she tried to make sense of the waking world.
“You could sleep through a bloody bomb you.” Kathy shook her head, she looked pale and tired, even her clothes lacked their usual bohemian lustre. Karen furrowed her brow, as Kathy rolled her eyes “She only bloody packed.”
“Jesus Christ.” she roared flinging her legs out of bed, “what is she playing at.”
“I think we should try and get out of here,” Kathy said in response, heading for the door, “I’ve the kids all ready to go…if we go before she’d ready she might stay and sort if out.”
“She wants too…” Karen shook her head as Kathy nodded. They held each others gaze for a moment sharing the worrying thoughts buzzing round both their minds. Kathy slide from the room closing the heavy wooden door behind her. Karen stared at the hand stained wood grain for a long moment.
This was a disaster. How could Lily even think of doing this to James again? How could she so lightly do this to her son…especially after she’d witness the effect losing her father had had on August. Lily needed a good kick up the arse. Why any body would get married and then give up on it just three years in was beyond her, never mind the fact that they were happy.
But it was Lily’s MO wasn’t it. Something in her brain just fired and off she would go, running as hard and as fast as she could. She’d run from James when she skipped off to Canterbury at 18, she’d run from him again at 22 this time all the way to New England , and then when he’d followed her she run all the way home again. And then just when he managed to get back, just when it looked like she was ready to accept him as her soul mate, she’d fled to Australia.
Maybe he should have given up then but no he followed her. But it had looked as if things were going to work out then too. They’d stayed in Perth for almost a year and a half living together before she ran off that time. He almost hadn’t come after her, he’d had a 5 year work visa, a chance to get residency. Helen said he was determined not to go after Lily. But then Karen had discovered the pregnancy and Helen insisted on telling him.
Karen always thought that the two months it took him to come after Lily that time had scared her into the realisation that she needed him. Certainly James had told her Lily had actually cried when she saw him, but then that could have been the hormones. It had taken all James will power not to take her into his arms, he told Karen, he didn’t want to get back with her, he’d just wanted to be a father to his baby. But it had taken only a few weeks before they’d got engaged.
Karen had doubted whether the wedding would take place but Lily had proven her wrong. Lily had sworn to them all that she was in it for the long haul, that her running days were over. That it had been youthful panic that had caused her to bolt home to mummy when she discovered she was pregnant. Maybe it had been, Karen didn’t know, all she knew was that it wasn’t youthful panic now.
She pulled on a fresh jumper from her suitcase and jumped into a yesterday’s pair of jeans whipping her hair into a clip before she threw everything back into the suitcase and zipped it shut. Hitting the bathroom she gave herself a quick pre-functionary wash and hit the stairs running.
August’s little pink over night bag sat with Kathy’s huge green kit bag by the front door and Karen added her own bag to the pile before going into the living room. All four kids were sitting quietly on the sofa watching TV. Oh dear, she though, things must be bad. August looked up at her with big sad eyes and she scooped her daughter up into a hug.
“It’s like when my daddy left.” she half sobbed her face pressed into her mothers shoulder. Karen’s heart froze mid beat, she had been so sure August hadn’t heard or didn’t remember much of what went on then. “Uncle Jam’s angry at aunty lily.”
“Oh pet.” she soothed planting a kiss on August’s head, “We’ll go soon okay.” She looked at the rest of the poe faced children, “We’ll get ice cream on the way home…”
“Mummy said she’d get chips.” Alex returned, his big cartoon eyes filled with concern.
“We’ll get both.” Karen assured patting his knee as she set August back down, “You lot just sit here a wee while till I find Kathy.”
She left them huddling like a little bunch of penguins feeling slightly annoyed at James as well as Lily for doing this in front of the children. And where was Evan? Hopefully not caught in the cross fire somewhere. She pushed the kitchen door open to the sound of mashing dishes and sloshing water. James looked round sharply at her clutching a knife in his hand, as he eyed her, the thunder in his face subsided some.
“Morning…again.” she tried, thinking it might be best to turn around and leave.
“Humm.” he growled, before softly adding “feeling better?”
“A bit.” She ventured further into the room, “any tea left in the pot?”
“There is no pot left.” he muttered flushing slightly as he indicated mangled remains in the bin.
“Oh.” she sat down and wondered if she should ask.
“Why is she like this…can you tell me…you’re one of her oldest friends for fuck sake,” he spun round looking at her, plate poised in his hands.
“I…” she faltered, afraid to tell him she didn’t know in case he launched the plate, “like what?”
“She packed…she bloody well pack.” he said turning back to the sink and flinging the plate into water with an unhealthy crack. “Why can’t she just talk things through like normal bloody people… why does she have to be so bloody dramatic?” he raged bracing himself on the sink, his head falling, so that his shoulder blades and a tuft of blond hair was all she could see. “I mean yesterday morning, things were fine, better than fine and this morning she’s leaving…I just don’t understand why.”
She stood up as his voice cracked and pulled him away from the sink into a hug. He lay his forehead on her shoulder, draping his arms around her middle so his soapy hands didn’t drip on her. She patted his back as he drew in several deep breaths to steady himself. Kathy opened the back door and stepped into the room. Her eyes welling in concern as she floated towards them.
“You okay?” she asked James softly as he straightened up.
“He just needs a …” Karen shook her head, “I know you’re pissed off but what did the teapot ever do to you?” James smiled weakly and sighed.
“The poor teapot just got in the way.” he shook his head scratching his hair thoughtfully, “ she picked it up to pour herself some tea, when she came in with her bag and I took it off her and threw it against the wall.”
“Narrowly missing my head,” Kathy added. James looked down at her horrified, then swept her up with his right arm and kiss the top of her head.
“Sorry darling.” she patted his tummy to indicated she had forgiven him and he let her go, “I think we have another one somewhere.”
“Never mind,” Karen instructed and pulled him back before he could go look, “We’re going to hit the road so you can have some privacy.”
“I scared the kids didn’t I?” he asked mournfully.
“Yep,” Kathy nodded, reaching for her bright pillowcase of a handbag, “But they’ll live.”
“If you go now…so will she.” he said slightly panicky moving to take Kathy’s keys from her as she pulled them from the depths of her bag “I said if she was going she better go before her back up went.”
“Silly bugger,” Karen stared hard at him until he looked at the floor, “What did you do that for?”
“I was annoyed…Kathy …” he looked up guilty, “she tried to be helpful and I thought she was taking Lily’s side and well…”
“It’s okay pet…” Kathy assured him, “But it’s not to late…”
“Well for the kettle it is.” Karen added trying to break the tension, “Poor tea pot.”
“It’s no laughing matter.” James scolded as they repressed their giggles, “My wife leaving me…”
“Oh for god sake, go talk to her you big dick.” Karen advised jocularly.
“And say what?”
“Ask her to stay?” Kathy offered helpfully.
“I never thought of that.” He admitted pathetically bracing himself on the table.
“Where is she?” Karen asked in her best ‘let get this sorted’ voice.
“Saying good bye to the horses,” Kathy informed her, “Evan’s with her.”
“Well then, we’ll go out with you and take Evan inside to say good bye to the kids and you can tell her in you best manly voice that she’s not going anywhere.”
“I don’t know Karen…she never was much for being told what to do.” Kathy whispered quietly as James paced, attacking his face with his palms as he considered his next move, “might only make her more determined to go.”
“Look you go get the kids into your car,” Karen whispered to her conspirator, “I’ll go with him and remove Evan from the cross fire.”
“Should we take him with us?” Kathy almost mouthed. Karen shook her head.
“I’ll put a video on for him before I follow you,” Karen knew all too well if they took Evan, Lily would use that as an excuse to follow.
“Right,” Kathy nodded straightening up as James made a move for the door.
“I’ll meet you in Ballykelly for chips.” Karen instructed as she hurried after him.
“I’ll not leave until Evan comes to say goodbye…” Kathy’s word floated after them into the utility room. Karen watched the door as it was ripped open, worrying for it’s hinges and followed the juggernaut that was James through it.
James strode purposefully into the yard making a sharp turn to his left toward the stables and stopped abruptly so that she, speeding up expecting a longer journey, almost crashed into him. Lily was standing beside the gate with Evan seated on the gate post. She was telling him he would be staying with his daddy, while tears streamed down his face.
“I come wif you mammy.” the little chubber asserted, as Lily wiped his face.
“Daddy needs you here.” lily answered softly unaware of the audience.
“Daddy needs you too mammy.” Evan scrunched up his little face in anger. Karen felt a lump growing in her throat and wanted to hit her friend as hard as her weakling arms would let her.
“He’s right, I do.” James said softly. Lily straightened up and turned to look at them. Her face seemed to be at war with itself, her eyes wanted to cry but her lips smiled while her cheeks burned in between and her eyebrows jumped about indecisively.
“Come here Evan.” Karen said cheerfully stepping forward to lift him down as his parents stared at each other. She strode inside with out looking back hoping beyond hope that lily did the right thing for once in her life. Evan clung to her, his tiny three year old body hot and tense.
She kissed his little fore head as she carried him out to say good bye to the kids. It was tragic, he asked Kathy if Alex could stay with him for just a wee while longer and fresh tears came as Kathy maintained that Alex had to get back to see his Daddy. Alex gave Evan a little hug and handed him one of his action figures. Evan sniffed bravely and thanked him before turning back into Karen’s leg.
She picked him up to wave as Kathy’s people carrier glided down the driveway. August looked ecstatic about being allowed to drive home with Suzie and waved till her arm looked like it might fall off. As they disappeared from view, Evan lay his head unhappily on her shoulder wiping his noise with the back of his hand. She patted his boiling bulge of a cheek and kissed his forehead again.
“Want to watch a dvd?” she asked hopefully as they walked back towards the house. He shook his head and clung tighter to her, “want to go for a wee sleep?”
“No.” he croaked, “want mammy.”
“Awe kiddio.” she smoothed down his sweaty blond hair and carried him inside, “Mammy just needs a little chat with Daddy….”
“I’m not fucking chasing after you this time.” James voice reverberated through the house, “and if you do this you can’t come waltzing back. It’ll be over for good.”
Lily came towards them, an indomitable tour de force complete with ruc sac and car keys, her face set in a mask of agony. Evan wiggled furiously, his arms reaching out for his mother as she came towards him. Lily didn’t stop she just swept on passed pointing her key at range rover which flashed into life. Evan threw himself from Karen arms as James reached them, his little legs turning like the road runner he fled to his mother’s side as she threw her bags into the back seat.
Karen felt James tense beside her and pushed him on. He had to stop this. Lily was bending down, picking Evan up and moving back towards them. Karen pushed at James with all her might until he stumbled forward, verbally telling him to stop this before it was too late.
“No mammy.” Evan was screaming as lily reached James half way between the front door and her car. Karen stepped forward to take Evan but Lily forced him into his father’s arms. Karen watched paralysed, knowing it was too late by the look in Lily’s eyes. Evan’s pleas made Karen’s hand fly to her mouth as tears escaped from her eyes.
“He’s better off with you.” Lily told James whose face had set somewhere between begging and fury. “We both know he’s better off with you.”
“MAMMY.”
“Evan baby,” Lily bent her head to her sons kissing him softly, a tear finally escaping from her. Karen watched James’ face melt, “I love you baby, mammy loves you…I’ll see you soon…”
“Don’t go Mammy...” Evan ordered.
“Don’t go Lily.” James pleaded quietly. Lily looked up at him, her hand still on Evans head. Her son reached out for her struggling against his fathers grip.
Karen knew this scenario all too well. She had begged again and again for Shitbrick not to leave. She had held her screaming daughter in her arms and felt the world crumble. She had stared into his eyes and searched for a single molecule of hope, for single glimpse of love or will to stay. She let he eyes slide closed, remembering the pain in her heart when she had found none and prayed that James would find what he was looking for, prayed that Lily would see what she needed to make her stay.
“I know you want to.” she heard James smooth confidant voice ring out and felt a bubble of hope arose in her chest. She opened her eyes, seeing the faint smile hovering around his lips, the sparkle in his eyes. She watched as Lily rose up to him her lips brushing his. They stayed like that for a moment, slowly lily dropped down her hand cupping her husbands face, her thumb running over his bottom lip. Her eyes moved slowly to lily’s face, before her eyelids closed again, her body turning away.
“No,” Lily velvety voice answered sweetly, “I don’t.”
Karen was split in two. In her minds eye, her husband was leaving her, he was telling her to let go. She was kneeling before him, clawing at him and he was looking at her with utter contempt, he was pushing her off. He was telling her she was pathetic, how could he love somebody like her? How could he stay here in this nut house? And the door was slamming and August was banging at it calling for her daddy. And in reality Lily was leaving her husband with the same cruel coldness.
“You do.” James contended hollowly, his voice hoarse with emotion.
Karen opened her eyes and watched as Lily backed away holding James eyes. She shook her head, dirty fair straws of hair falling loose from their binding into her cold black eyes. James took a step after her and she bite her lip shaking her head more furiously, breaking eye contact. Evan reached out to her and she smiled sadly at him.
“I’ll call you tonight buddy.” she said her voice dry and coarse.
“Lily…” James took another step and she held up her hands as if in protest and stepped back one last time until she hit the side of her car. “Lily.”
Lily shook her head, her bobble falling from it to the grown as she flung open the car door. A curtain of hair covered her face as she pulled herself in and slammed the door fumbling with the ignition.
“DON’T” James ordered as the engine gunned into life. Lily looked up and Karen caught a glimpse of tear filled eyes before she turned away and sped off towards the road…and her escape.
“MAAAMEEEE.” Evan screeched flinging himself after her from his fathers arms, landing with a sickening thud on the grown. Karen ran to him sweeping him up. James, a pillar of salt, watched the car disappeared, too lost in his own misery to notice his sons. As if on cue the grey clouds that had been gathering all morning began to spit great globs of rain on them. Before her eyes James dissolved.
*