Plough
Posted: 29 June 2006
Word Count: 213
Summary: That desire poem was rubbish I know.......
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The fields you farmed
are never too far away,
you were grown there.
And the work, oh the work!
Nothing fit for a young man these days,
with early mornings and next-day dawnings.
Yet so full life was,
semi-skimmed not an option and fry-ups
galvanised the rusting lean machines.
Your body naturally blasted,
fit to bring the sunrise with clumbsy clinks
not to mention the pints on Friday night.
That six-pack you claim to once have
boasted, is now duplicated in your sons who are
so different to you, yet the same deep down.
Simple pleasures you have taught,
as I sat and played on your pride and joy, hours disappeared.
Sufice to say that Hailwood would be proud.
As with lightening and thunder,
you say no to so little, always acompanied by
an expected grumble at some point.
Scrubbing through the
sunlight-starved foundry years, a
hard day's graft so hard to wash off.
How bitterness settled on your wrist,
with a cheap gold watch made from 25 years
talking shop, another 25 just unthinkable.
Taking bad never suited you
and the lies you thought only scared you,
but we know how lucky we are.
These seeded fields you now plough
have flattened, slowed and are remote controlled,
just as you like it.
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Comments by other Members
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 Elsie at 22:33 on 29 June 2006
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Hello stephen- This poem is a great leap forward in your writing, up to another level. A little bit of minor tweaking - tightening up, would help it. I liked especially:
Yet so full life was,
semi-skimmed not an option and fry-ups
galvanised the rusting lean machines.
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and
How bitterness settled on your wrist,
with a cheap gold watch made from 25 years
talking shop, another 25 just unthinkable.
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Elsie
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 NinaLara at 07:19 on 30 June 2006
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As Elsie says, there are some really great sections in here. I think I would choose the same sections as Elsie as my highlights, together with this.
Your body naturally blasted,
fit to bring the sunrise with clumbsy clinks
not to mention the pints on Friday night. |
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And I like the ending too.
Like Elsie, I feel that is needs some tightening, but I'm not sure how! Every verse seems to have its own message and something interesting to say. The first verse is the only one I think you could do without.
The verses all have such power on their own, I wonder if you could think about spacing? James could comment better than me on this .... but I feel that I need more time to pause in this poem to undersatnd how it hangs together.
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 Mr B. at 07:21 on 30 June 2006
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This conveyed aging in so many different ways - I loved the father's pride at his sons' vitality. I loved the last stanza - the acceptance and enjoyment of an easier life.
Nice one!
A
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 James Graham at 14:19 on 02 July 2006
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I certainly agree with what's been said so far, and I too like the verses quoted by Elsie and Nina. There's a simple directness in the last six lines which closes the poem in a very telling way. 'The lies you thought only scared you' appeals to me especially as a turn of phrase - it says (if I've understood it correctly) that any lies it ever occurred to him to tell were never told because he was too appalled at the idea of such dishonesty. This line seems to say a lot in very few words. I wonder if the line after that should be 'and we know how lucky we are'?
There are some lines that puzzle me a bit.
Simple ways to have taught,
with sufice so small to say that Hailwood would be proud
as I sat and played on your pride and joy, hours disappeared. |
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Is there a motor-bike hidden here? I know Hailwood is a racing motor cyclist. But it's the line 'with sufice so small to say that Hailwood would be proud' that I can't really grasp at all. If you could explain this little bit, then everything in the poem would be clear.
James.
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hailfabio at 16:07 on 02 July 2006
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Thanks for the comments everyone.
I do think this is one of my stronger works and long over due I feel.
It is about my dad, who was a farmer, a motorcycle enthusiast, then worked in a foundry for 25 year before being diagnosed with lymphoma and is now retired.
The first three lines are my typical abstract style that doesn't fit in here, I just can't help myself i know.
| and the lies you thought only scared you |
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James, your interpretation of this line confused me but glad u liked it and i think you are on the right lines. I was thinking about my dad thinking he was going to die and his condition was worse than it was.
Simple ways to have taught,
with sufice so small to say that Hailwood would be proud
as I sat and played on your pride and joy, hours disappeared. |
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Yes this is the the most complicated stanza, and i'm not happy with it. It is about his passion for motorcycling and the TT in the isle of man, its also about a man of simple pleasures and modest ambitions but still to be proud of.
More feedback welcome.
Thanks
Stephen
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James Graham at 16:11 on 03 July 2006
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I see now that my reading of 'the lies you thought only scared you' doesn't really fit the context. Linking this line with 'Taking bad never suited you', the 'lies' must be to do with his illness and fear of dying.
Something you have to think about when writing on a very personal subject is whether there are things in the poem that a total stranger just wouldn't get. I must qualify that right away - this is assuming the poem is one that you would want to publish. There's no law to say that all poems ever written must appear in slim volumes in Waterstones - sometimes we write poems as gifts, greetings, personal messages. I wrote one not long ago for my daughter and son-in-law when they moved house; it will never be published, not least because there are things in it that no-one who doesn't know the family could possibly understand.
Assuming you would like this poem to go out into the world, there's maybe some work to do on it to make the facts clearer. Not much work, but a little. Maybe you could think about working the main facts of your father's life into it a little more explicitly. The farming is perfectly clear. But the foundry part isn't - we see from the third last verse that he was given a gold watch for 25 years doing something, but what? I imagine just adding a phrase or a line:
Those foundry years - how bitterness settled
on your wrist, a cheap gold watch for twenty-five
years of talking shop... |
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...or something like that, just to work in a few words to make the facts a little more clear to the stranger.
I think the lines about your father's illness just make it - i.e. that total stranger should just manage to get the picture. Still, it might be easier for the reader if you could somehow work in the fact that he thought his illness was worse than it was.
The fact that he was a motorcycle enthusiast is quite clear. But it's those words 'suffice so small to say' - I can't understand them at all! Obviously 'Suffice to say' means 'That's all that needs to be said', but the 'small' is puzzling. Just a suggestion:
Hours disappeared as I played on your pride and joy.
Suffice to say that Hailwood would be proud. |
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I hope all this doesn't just confuse you! As I say, if the poem is mainly intended just for the family, it doesn't need to be changed in this way. But if it were published, it would have to make a few facts about your father's life a little clearer.
James.
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hailfabio at 10:52 on 11 July 2006
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James you are quite right, too much of this poem was unclear. As with all my best peices, I hope to publish this. Most probably in my autobiography that is too be published next year.
Thanks for all comments, feedback on the edited version would be much appreciated.
Cheers
Stephen
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James Graham at 09:51 on 14 July 2006
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'Plough' has improved a lot, I think. It wasn't that anything was wrong with the spirit or feeling of the poem, it was just the clarity of some of the lines. But I think those problems are solved now. Where it might have been confusing, it's now clear - always assuming a reader who is prepared to use his/her own imagination, but of course that applies to all poetry.
One minor suggestion still. In the fifth verse, I assume the 'six-pack' are his six sons? If so, it might be clearer if you change it to:
The six-pack that is now your claim to
Fame - your sons who are
so different to you, yet the same deep down. |
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James.
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hailfabio at 10:29 on 18 July 2006
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Thanks James,
Ah I see how you could think that about 'six sons', but he actually has two, its just about him claiming to have a six pack in his younger days. So maybe something like:
That six-pack you claim to once have
boasted, is now duplicated in your sons who are
so different to you, yet the same deep down. |
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What do you think?
Thanks
Stephen
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James Graham at 18:19 on 20 July 2006
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Yes - that seems ok now. Probably it was before, and I just got the wrong end of the stick!
James.
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