Gift to the Angels
Posted: 29 June 2006
Word Count: 166
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I long to have a collection of pictures,
stuck to my fridge with magnets,
painted proudly by your infant hands
I imagine the smell of you against me,
clinging to my legs, sticky fingers,
wanting love, affection and play
It pains me to think I feared your existence,
terrified I would not be good enough,
to provide for your childhood needs
My outlook changed, optimistic joy.
I sang to you, you lay inside,
A maternal lullaby for my little boy
Heartache hurt, more than bloody agony
my eyes on fire, tears of my grief,
Had I done wrong? Had I?
Sterile hospital, dead of night,
windows clattered to a whistling January gale,
the wind took your beautiful, innocent soul
You should be almost 6 years old!
I'll never hear your first word,
see your first step or hear you cry
Too special for life on earth,
you stand hand in hand with the angels,
in a magical playground in the sky
I feel your loving smile.
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Comments by other Members
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 NinaLara at 12:40 on 29 June 2006
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This is a totally authentic response to a very personal tragedy. I think the opening verse is wonderful because it is so in tune with the sense of loss that is there daily - everytime you go to the fridge. You go through the imagined child, the guilt, the shifting emotions, grief, more guilt ... which is so real.
Sterile hospital, dead of night,
windows clattered to a whistling January gale, |
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This is great because it says so much so quickly - you really don't need the final line in this verse to tell us what has happened.
Again, the last two verses are real because they are someone trying to make sense of what has happened - when there is probably no sense to it at all.
This is a very moving piece- which I think could be even stronger if you reworked a few lines ... but I hesitate to make any suggestions because this is so personal and true as it is.
Thank you
Nina
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 joanie at 21:26 on 29 June 2006
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Lovely, Lisa. This is heartfelt, poignant, true. | You should be almost 6 years old! |
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blows my mind.
joanie
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 Mr B. at 07:15 on 30 June 2006
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Can't really add anything. It's beautiful and conveys the pain in a dignified, reflective way, which has more power than a more aggressive tone would have.
A
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 Elsie at 22:05 on 30 June 2006
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Hi Lisa, this is really good. And very personal. I wonder (and it's just a wonder- ignore me if you want!) if, if you cut the last stanza, and extra last line, which although i love the images of angels etc, leaves it grounded in a very real, concrete world of loss. An abrupt end. I don't know, I could be wrong.
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 James Graham at 15:58 on 01 July 2006
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Hi Lisa. I think I agree with Elsie about the last lines, but that may be because I have a problem with angels and life after death. Of course, the thought and feeling of the closing lines would be uplifting to many readers.
What do you think of this rearrangement?
I long to have a collection of pictures,
stuck to my fridge with magnets,
painted proudly by your infant hands.
I imagine the smell of you against me,
clinging to my legs, sticky fingers.
It pains me to think I feared your existence,
terrified I would not be good enough.
But I sang to you, as you lay inside,
a maternal lullaby for my little boy.
Heartache hurt, more than bloody agony
my eyes on fire, tears of my grief,
Had I done wrong? Had I?
Sterile hospital, dead of night,
windows clattered to a whistling January gale.
You should be almost 6 years old!
I'll never hear your first word,
see your first step or hear you cry.
I feel your loving smile. |
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I know I'm messing about with your work probably much more than I should, but this did seem to me to move the poem towards something even more telling. You'll see for yourself the bits I missed out: 'Wanting love, affection and play' seems rather obvious, and we know that his clinging and cuddling in would be because (like all children) he wanted those things. Next, 'Terrified I would not be good enough'...for what? Obviously to provide for his needs. And 'My outlook changed...' and also the line with 'beautiful, innocent soul' seem explicit emotional statements of things that can be read into the poem anyway - the reader would be aware of thoughts and feelings very like these, and read them 'between the lines'.
Leaving out these lines, the poem can still be presented in a three-line verse form.
I've also left out the lines about the angels etc, which may be much more than you want to do yourself. If you want to keep that idea, you may need to add an extra line or two to keep the three-line structure. Without the angels it would, as Elsie says, be left grounded in a sense of real, true loss and grief.
As I say, I always feel it's a bit of a liberty to mess about with someone else's poem. But I do agree with Nina's praise of your opening lines and hospital lines, and the authenticity of the whole poem - all of which makes it a poem well worth working on. See what you think - whether you agree with the liberties I've taken.
James.
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Ambitions of Lisa at 09:40 on 14 July 2006
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Thanks to you all for your comments...
Although it was a personal subject I did wonder whether the whole 'Angels' thing was a little corny. I suppose thats how I like to picture the child I lost.
I like James'rearrangement very much. It keeps the sentimentality, gets to the point and seems to work very well without a mention Angelic beings..
:)
Lis
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