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Annie

by NinaLara 

Posted: 23 June 2006
Word Count: 127
Summary: OOOooo I feel uncomfortable posting a first draft!


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August end holiday
the cloud rises late from the hills
as summer kisses autumn.
Leaving the Roman Road
over the Dale Top
we dip into a shallow valley
of rivulets hiding and giggling
in a game a hide and seek
between the green.
Words are pools
winking eyes
with a world of children
gazing upwards
drawing menageries from the sky.
Our old dog, ears surprised
by the salt cold of water
points her once copper muzzle down.
As if her eyes see
dog reflecting god
she springs in a beat
and follows a slow
canter down the hill
thumping out the thought
‘While I have nose and
a leg for each element
the source runs through me.
I’ll be on the otherside of the pool
by winter.’






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Comments by other Members



Katy Kat at 09:22 on 23 June 2006  Report this post
Wow Nina!

Great first flash! I hesitate to comment because there are so many hidden gems in this piece and I think I may have missed more than one or two. You paint a picture with your words and the reader feels present at the scene.

dog reflecting god
clever use of the palidrome here.

children
gazing upwards
drawing menageries from the sky.

(I think we all still do this...don't we?)

This made me feel sad suddenly

Our old dog, ears surprised
by the salt cold of water
points her once copper muzzle down


as did

the source runs through me.
I’ll be on the otherside of the pool
by winter
.
Beautiful work. Well done

Best wishes Kate





Katy Kat at 09:23 on 23 June 2006  Report this post
Wow Nina!

Great first flash! I hesitate to comment because there are so many hidden gems in this piece and I think I may have missed more than one or two. You paint a picture with your words and the reader feels present at the scene.
dog reflecting god
clever use of the palidrome here.
children
gazing upwards
drawing menageries from the sky.

(I think we all still do this...don't we?)

This made me feel sad suddenly

Our old dog, ears surprised
by the salt cold of water
points her once copper muzzle down

as did
the source runs through me.
I’ll be on the otherside of the pool
by winter
.
Beautiful work. Well done

Best wishes Kate





<Added>

Ooops - tried to edit. Forgot it wont let you.... Still. It was worth commenting twice!!

<Added>

Anybody out there know how to delete?

Numpty Kat

Beanie Baby at 15:22 on 23 June 2006  Report this post
Loved this - it runs very deep and touches my heart. Ah - how philosophical of the dog "I'll be on the other side of the pool by winter". This is a truly remarkable piece of work and I give it my vote.
Beanie

NinaLara at 14:44 on 24 June 2006  Report this post
Thanks Kat and Beanie (or Katy and Baby),

This has changed a bit on paper over the last 24 hours ... though not the clever old dog speaking.

Nina

DJC at 21:20 on 24 June 2006  Report this post
Nina,

Don't feel uncomfortable at all - this is a superb bit of flashing. I love the fluidity of it, and there are flashes of brilliance here - the 'game a hide and seek / between the green' really stands out for me.

Nice to have you in the group!

Darren

paul53 [for I am he] at 18:44 on 25 June 2006  Report this post
We all understand the discomfort of uploading first drafts, but that's the fun of this group - tossing something out as it comes [more or less]. There are some great bits in this. There are some truly great bits in this. There are also a couple of lines I would cut to improve the whole thing, but all in all this is a piece with glimpses of greater things to come, like a poet's eye in training, seeing things afresh as you strive to describe them succinctly and acutely.


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