Lily took herself to the bathroom barring the door to the world and sat perched on her carefully chosen egg shell grey bath. Her eyes scanned the room while her fingers gripped the cold hard edge until they hurt. The room was prefect, beautiful. How carefully this room was crafted, she thought, good enough to be featured in any interior design magazine. Their whole house was prefect and beautiful, every inch tenderly crafted into reality by his hands right from her dreams.
She placed her face in her hands and sucked in a deep breath. Why had she said that? Why had he come home at that exact moment? What the hell was wrong with her any way? Her heart thumped angrily in against her chest wall, screaming at her loudly that she was an idiot. Everything she cared about she destroyed, she had just crapped all over everything they had been building together.
She knew she had betrayed him by even saying the words. How could she tell him she was only trying them out to see if they felt true? He wouldn’t understand that, he did not work like that. He who thought carefully about every word he uttered. Even now he was thinking, weighing up his response. All through dinner she had seen his mind chewing it over as he chatted and entertained their guests. He wouldn’t look at her though, he wouldn’t meet her eyes.
He was sitting out there now as if nothing had happened. He was all smiles and jokes, merrily chatting with the girls about any old thing, the perfectly charming host. She couldn’t stand it. But then that was him all over wasn’t it, all measured and level headed. It would go against his nature to bring anything up in front of company, no matter how close to them he might be.
He could wait to discuss it, maybe all weekend. He would calmly sit her down and ask her all sorts of reasonable questions that he had formulated during that time to determine what it meant. Then he would put forward his thoughts on the subject to gauge her reaction, and then after some more thought he’d decide what they were going to do about it. She would be waiting forever for the decree.
She was not good at waiting, or much for careful thinking about things. She went on her instincts. When she thought something she said it, and while it was forever getting her into trouble, she felt it saved a lot of hassle in the long run. People knew where they stood with her and she liked to know where she was with them too. All this angst over a silly statement was not good for either of them.
She stood up and splashed water on her face. All their lives James had always wanted to be more like her, he was forever complaining throughout their teens about his inability to say what he was thinking. Wasn’t it one of the things he loved about her after all? She would just go in there and get it sorted now, so they could get on with the rest of the weekend.
She looked at her ruddy face in the mirror, winding her mousy blond hair back into a tighter plait and nodded at herself as she dried the droplets of water off her face with the fluffy cream towel given to her by Maud for Christmas. She placed the towel back on the heated rack and slide the lock aside to let the world back in.
She could hear dishes clanging together in the dining room, accompanied by loud cheerful voices punctuated with barks of laughter. Upstairs she could hear the kids banging about in the blanketed enclosure of Evans room.
The dinning room table was littered with knives and forks, desert dishes and serving platters covered in left over bits of charred meat. One and a half empty wine bottles guarded the cafeteria, while four cups sat ready to accept the brewing coffee. Kathy came in from the kitchen giggling and began to gather up the rest of the used dishes. Lily told her to sit down and have her coffee, taking the serving platter from her and beginning to stack the rest of the debris onto it.
She met Karen, carrying after dinner mints and a jug of milk, as she passed through the little cubby which joined the two rooms. With a bob of the elbow to indicate the stereo, she told her to stick on some music and relax with Kathy while they did the dishes. Karen looked at her strangely for a moment and then smiled passing on through.
Lily entered the kitchen and pushed the angular door shut with her foot. James looked up from the sink and smiled vaguely at her forehead. She set her pile of dishes on the dark wooden countertop and retrieved the drying cloth from his shoulder. They stood quietly working side by side, him washing the glasses, his hand dipping in and out of the sudsy water, her taking them from him to dry and set back in cupboard.
“You know earlier,” she started after a moment of gearing herself on, “that thing I said.”
He nodded, as he set the last glass on the draining board and reached for the pile of plates. She watched him as she dried the glass, his jaw clenched in the effort to keep his face passive, his t-shirt rippling with the movement of his back muscle, as he lifted the stack into the water. She wanted to reach out her hand to touch that strong warm back, but something told her he wasn’t in the mood.
“It was a stupid thing to say.” She tried to sound light, casual, “I don’t know where it came it from….”
He bent his head as he scrubbed the plates with the yellow handled brush. His whole face clenching, his eyes narrow to slits as he placed his first victim on the drainage broad. She reached out and grabbed his arm, ducking her head down to make him meet her gaze.
“I didn’t mean it.” she told him, her voice coming out more annoyed than she had intended. So much for making a bit of a joke about it.
“You never say anything you don’t mean.” he countered coolly, pulling away from her. He stopped and took a deep breath staring into the sink, “can we talk about this later.”
“No.” she shook her head, “Not if you’re thinking like that.”
“Well what do you expect me to think, lily…” he finally looked at her, “you said our marriage was doomed.”
“I was just …” she clenched her hands, closing her eyes looking for inspiration. Please, tell me how to explain this to him.
“You were just what? Joking? Trying to shock them? What?” He voice sounded weird, clipped and strained. She opened her eyes and looked at him seeing the hurt in his eyes, “What would make you say that?”
“I…I” she gapped lost for words, her hands reaching out to him.
“What?” he half shouted half pleaded, “explain this to me.”
“I just wanted to try it out…” she let herself step close to him, her hands hovering over his chest before coming to rest on his solid warm form, “to see if it sounded…true.”
“Don’t.” he barked stepping away from her as her hands touched him. He shook his head, “Why would you…you were thinking….how…..”
“but it didn’t…I knew as soon as I said it I was wrong…” the words stumbled over each other desperate to repair the damage. She stepped to him again but he stepped away throwing his hands up as he turned his back on her. Her month opened and closed useless as the true weight of the damage she’d inflicted settled on her chest. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry??” he repeated to the window, bracing himself on the worktop, “For what? Saying it?” he began to turn his eyes finding hers, “Or for thinking it?”
“Both….” it was out of her month before she even realised she was being tested. She watched his face close up, anger clamping down on him. His eyes stared at her a steely grey unreadable in a way that clutched at her heart. She could always see what he was thinking…she felt cut off from him. “James…”
“I can’t believe you married me thinking that.” he growled.
“I didn’t…” the words broke in her throat and echoed unconvincingly in the air between them. The world seemed to flip over in the seconds they stood there staring at each other.
Somewhere inside her she could feel it laughing. It had tricked her…the voice had tricked her. By letting it speak she had created a self fulfilling prophecy. She looked at her husband, her best friend falling away from her. She had ripped his heart apart just as the voices were ripping her apart.
She wanted to cry, scream, beg for his forgiveness. She wanted to rage at him for judging her, berate him for not understanding. With their history what did he expect? It was his job to stop her messing it up. Why was he letting this happen? Inside her mind a quiet calm voice told her she didn’t deserve any of this any way, the game was up, her true self had won out. Another gleeful voice whispered to her that she would be free again soon, free to keep running as long and as far as she want.
“If you could even think that for one second.” he snarled, “Then we might as well give up now.”
“No…no…” she shook her head, her heart writhing in agony.
It was crumbling around her, the world was crumbling into nothing. She knew it was the point of death. There he was age four all snot and sticky up hair watching her cautiously as she swung upside down from the tree in her garden. They were seven planning war against kids from down the street. Ten, swimming together in a mountain lake in France daring each other to swim further, dive deeper.
Thirteen sitting on the freezing steps separated by their new friends, catching each others eye to share a private thought. Then fourteen, him getting tall and her friends noticing him. Now fifteen, his eye bright and tired after sitting up all night with their friends talking about everything. She saw them, attending parties where they had their first crushes, first kisses, first loves, first heartbreaks.
And then sixteen the night he had gotten dead drunk in a effort to get over Karen, carrying him home, him kissing her as she put him to bed in the spare room. Months later when he had asked her to help him get rid of his virginity. All the fun filled days and heart breaks that had passed between now and then. The memories washed through her as she stood there.
“After everything…after all you’re running…” he growled finally, taking her by the shoulders, “The only reason we got this far was because I believed one day you’d get it out of you’re system. I thought you had finally come to rest…”
“Yes...I’m done.” she croaked reaching for him, “please believe me…I just want to be here with you.”
“But you don’t believe we can last.” he said softly resting his forehead on hers. She felt the hot tears welling in him, and springing from her, “I can’t live like this.”
“I do…I do believe.” she wept.
“Yeah but for how long.” he threw her backwards from him as if her words had burned him, “No…Lily it ends here…I can’t spend my whole life waiting for you to blow it all apart….”
“NO…please…James…no.” her finger clawed at him as he stepped back again and again from her grasp. “no…no…”
“Sorry.” It was Karen’s meek voice that rung out from the doorway, freezing them both to the spot. They turned to look at her and she looked back at them, her eyes wide with concern. For a moment she seemed like she would say more, but she only repeated her apology and backed out of the room still holding the cups she was carrying.
“We can’t talk about this now.” came James calm voice. She returned her gaze to him and watched him moving towards the door leading to the hall, prefect, beautiful the love of her life.
“We have to talk about this…JAMES.” but he was gone. She collapsed onto the floor sobbing. She felt him wrenched from her, the pain contorting her body as she wept.
It’s over, you lost, you finally got what you deserved, they said. Go after him. it is no use, you lost him, they said. You’re free again, about time, let’s go now, they sang. Stay and fight you coward, don’t let him do this, it’ll pass, stick at it, run and hid, they advised. It ends here, he’d said, it ends here.
He has ended it, she told herself, he was right, she couldn’t make him live like this. He and Evan both deserved better than her. She would leave with the girls in the morning, she decided, no point dragging it out.
She stood up drying her eyes suddenly numb and silent. Yes, she knew he was right, if she could even think it, they had no chance. He had put so much in and she always gave him so little in return. He had carried her for too long. Things were only going to get worse from here on in. She would leave before he was forced to live through any more of her bloodshed.
She found him in the kids’ room with Kathy, who silently carried Killiann out as she came in. They worked together easily as they tuck the kids in and pick a video for them to watch, but for the first time in 25 years she felt completely severed from him. See, the voice deep inside her whispered, I was right; it was only a matter of time.