I had no money, sucking on the last of my overdraft, spending many sneaky minutes at work attempting to coerce the robotic, wooden ‘person’ on the other end of the phone line to please, please, extend my limit, to forget one minute about work and to understand that we humans, well – we spend a little. Sometimes we spend too much, but at this point in my life I needed a little bit of help, and here I was ready to grab on to the extended hand. Except, the bored monotonous voice that came back to me was regurgitating, perhaps from a sheet before ‘it’ – ‘Sorry madam, we have to follow procedure…’
This would thus lead me into fits of minor rage, spitting at my phone, pulling at my pony tailed hair, and all the while attempting to appear as though I was working – feeling the heat of my colleagues eyes gorging into my back.
‘I am not Madam. You can call me by my name, I am only 26! My name is Stephanie call me Stephanie.’ As an afterthought I begged, ‘Please!’
I could hear the voice take in what I had said, and just as suddenly I could hear it whish away, suddenly evaporate, it was as though I could see ‘it’, a puppet on a string. For a moment I sympathised with them, they were just doing their job, this moment lasted just a second, bugger them, they could quit! ‘Fuck procedures! It’s as simple as that…’
‘Madam, I must tell you that if you continue to swear I will put down the phone. I am sorry Madam, but we are permitted to do so.’
I sighed, and sipped at my cold coffee. I just as quickly spat it out, and saw my world coming to a sudden end. I loathed tepid coffee, cold coffee needed to be preceded with ice in order to be drinkable. My sip was of a taste of the hell I saw coming my way.
‘Right, I’m sorry. Okay, I won’t swear. I just don’t get it. You won’t let me extend my overdraft because every month over the past six months I have gone over my overdraft. Is that right?’
The robot, puppet, ‘it’ took a second to sigh, and possibly lean back in ‘its’ chair, and after a while said, ‘Yes Madam!’
‘But, that doesn’t make sense. Listen to me, just listen to me – it DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!’
My colleague looked at me with slight fear in her eyes, then at the clock. It was five, the work day was officially over. Beads of perspiration fell down my forehead. Attractive I thought. I am going to be destitute and ugly! My days begging are sure to be dire.
I motioned for my colleague (a miserable woman I did not much care for) to put on the air conditioning. But, of course such exertions for me – a miserable woman she did not much care for – after office hours was simply laughable. She waved a dismissive goodbye, and her acrid odour left the office. I realised I was in the midst of a rant, and perspiration aside continued.
‘Look. Every bloody night – I am sorry, bloody is the extent of my cursing – but every bloody night I watch your stupid bloody adverts that assure us that you are there to help us! Be some sort of Houdini guidance to our financial problems. I mean, I am not gullible…but what I don’t get, is why spend so much bloody money on an irritating stupid advert if you are not going to stick to your word.’
Eloquent Stephanie!
I paused for a moment and fanned myself with my book by an author who surely had no idea of such woes.
‘Yes, false advertising. That’s what it is!’ I screamed, almost delighted at my sudden thought that I would sue the biggest bank in the United Kingdom for false advertising. A movie would be made, I would be laughing all the way to the…hah!
‘Madam, please calm down. We really are going around in circles…I think we should end…’
‘Listen here darling. Don’t you even consider putting the phone down on me. Do not go down that route. What is your name?’
‘Uh…’
I waited as ‘it’ demurred, shifted, started – like me – to perspire.
‘Take your time.’ I said kindly.
‘Uh, Sonia.’ The voice, sounding somewhat gruff and more like a Samuel said.
‘Sonia. Okay then Sonia. I go over my overdraft every month because I had a really difficult month a while back, which is really none of your concern. But I did! Anyway, I need to get back on track. But, I will not if you don’t help me in any way. I can assure you that I will continue to go over my overdraft otherwise. I have rent, bills and food to buy, and once that is done, I am already in my overdraft. Please, stick with me here – focus outside your brainwashed thoughts, and think logically. I am talking sense…’
‘We have to stick to procedure.’
My eyes filled with sudden tears, I felt defeated and deflated, I needed a cigarette and yearned for a gin and tonic but could not afford either!
‘God, how am I going to get through this month’ I muttered, to myself and forgetting that I still had the phone pressed against my ear.
‘Madam, you can transfer money from your credit card into your current account.’ The voice sounding almost human and thinking for itself said.I nodded and arranged the transaction.