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Junkie
Posted: 09 June 2006
Word Count: 96
Summary: Observations and imagination. Sorry its not too cheery :\
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Stench, putrid
Where you exist
Nauseating sights unfold
Step by fetid step
I ascend the concrete tower
Anticipating repulsive scenes
You injecting filth
Sending it racing
Along a major A road
On the map of your life
Purple, abused veins
Syringe at your feet
Glazed eyes, you're gone
Emancipation, so you believe
But all i witness
Is misery, loneliness, desperation
Your face once beautiful
But now, I can't see past
Your dirty contamination
Red raw glare, flaky lips
Greasy unkept hair
Your thin scabbed arms
Its taken you, too far now
Why couldn't you say no?
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Comments by other Members
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 NinaLara at 09:52 on 11 June 2006
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I think you have got some interesting thoughts here:
On the map of your life
Purple, abused veins
I like the image if the veins being like a map ... though the veins tand to sink in rather than stand out in IV drug users (the bruises show, of course).
Glazed eyes, you're gone
this in punchy ... exactly what the glazed eyes tell us.
Its taken you, too far now
illustrates the hopelessness.
I think this would be a more effective poem if you didn't try to understand the feelings of the observer and addict in the same space ... I think one or the other would do. How do you know it is about emancipation? How do you know they were once beautiful? If you focusied in on a chance meeting on a stairwell I think this piece would be stronger.
<Added>
apologies for typos
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 Elsie at 11:04 on 11 June 2006
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I think Nina has hit the nail on the head about this being about both the narrator and subject at the same time - and there are some good images, including the road map, veins, a journey etc.
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 James Graham at 13:03 on 11 June 2006
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What I like about this is there's nothing sentimental - instead, an honest feeling of shock and revulsion. 'Your face once beautiful' could be taken as sentimental, but on the other hand it might be true and still possible to detect it even though this person is so far gone. The tone of the poem is one of confronting the ugliness and degradation and not turning away from it.
For me the last line is a bit throwaway - 'Just say no' may be a good enough slogan but not very original for the closing line of the poem. Maybe you could rethink the ending, and come up with some lines asking more thoughful questions - the questions you yourself might ask after coming across someone like this addict.
I wonder too if the poem might not be better fully punctuated. The abruptness of short sentences would suit the harsh realities of your description. It would involve a little - not much - rewording, e.g.
Where you exist
the stench is putrid.
Nauseating sights unfold. |
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Further down, I can see where verbless sentences would be effective:
Purple, abused veins.
Syringe at your feet.
Glazed eyes. You're gone.
Emancipation, so you believe. |
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What do you think?
James.
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Ambitions of Lisa at 12:20 on 16 June 2006
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Hi Ninalara, Elsie and James
Thank you for your comments.
I had hoped it would come across that the narrator was an old friend of the drug addict, and was visiting her home. However, I see now that it didn't really work.
I like the suggestion that a chance meeting on a stairwell could work much better.
Also, James noticed that it was unsentimental, and if it had been about old friends, surely there would be a lot of sentiment involved so that doesn't really work either :\
I'm going to take your comments on board and have a think about how I can work with this one.
Thanks again :)
Lisa
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