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wheres your head at

by Keight 

Posted: 01 June 2006
Word Count: 86
Summary: its a poem, i think


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she looked
and
she stared
and
she wished
that she cared
about something
that was a thing
not always just the nothing
that she
thought on
and that bought on
a state of
blackness and despair
and
as she looked
and stared
wishing that she cared
she came to the realisation
that
she might like to be haitian
and
blessed if she knew why
but
the thought did make her cry
so
she took it to her bed
and
in the morning woke up dead.
Again.






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Comments by other Members



Mr B. at 07:32 on 02 June 2006  Report this post
I liked the assortment of rhyme you used. The rhythm too is interesting and, out loud, made the piece slow down and speed up in the reading. The randomness of the narrative worked well given the theme of the piece.

Nice one!

A

Keight at 09:17 on 02 June 2006  Report this post
Thanks Mr B :)

paul53 [for I am he] at 14:10 on 02 June 2006  Report this post
Hi Kate,
Welcome to the group.
I think it's a poem as well, and one that reflects the angst of modern adult life.
A few suggestions:
Instead of:
she wished
that she cared
about something
that was a thing
not always just the nothing
that she
thought on

how about:
she wished
that she cared
about something
that was
not just the nothing
she always
thought on

It says much the same, but doesn't cause the reader to pause and reread it to ensure they got it right on the first pass.
blackness and despair

what do you think of "bleakness" rather than "blackness"? Does it say more?
in the moring woke up dead.

sp. morning

Keight at 14:35 on 02 June 2006  Report this post
Thank you for your comments they're welcomed however I dont feel bleakness, bleakness would be something I feel blackness, a solid all consuming nothing, and to change the first part would take the rythm away. I appreciate it may say more if I were striving for 'woe is me' but I'm not. Thanks for the welcome and critique x

joanie at 15:34 on 02 June 2006  Report this post
Hi Kate. Lately, I seem to be saying more and more that poems need to be read aloud. I can hear this as a performance piece; better heard. The difference in pace and the rhymes would work well, I think.

joanie

Laura Hunt at 15:54 on 02 June 2006  Report this post
I, too, enjoyed the changing rhythms and feel that it would work well as a performance poem.

Sylvia

Keight at 19:46 on 02 June 2006  Report this post
thank you so much for your comments it is better read aloud i must admit
K8 x

<Added>

I am sorry for my dreadful lack of punctuation and awful spelling x


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