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wheres your head at
Posted: 01 June 2006 Word Count: 86 Summary: its a poem, i think
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she looked and she stared and she wished that she cared about something that was a thing not always just the nothing that she thought on and that bought on a state of blackness and despair and as she looked and stared wishing that she cared she came to the realisation that she might like to be haitian and blessed if she knew why but the thought did make her cry so she took it to her bed and in the morning woke up dead. Again.
Comments by other Members
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Mr B. at 07:32 on 02 June 2006
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I liked the assortment of rhyme you used. The rhythm too is interesting and, out loud, made the piece slow down and speed up in the reading. The randomness of the narrative worked well given the theme of the piece.
Nice one!
A
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paul53 [for I am he] at 14:10 on 02 June 2006
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Hi Kate,
Welcome to the group.
I think it's a poem as well, and one that reflects the angst of modern adult life.
A few suggestions:
Instead of:
she wished
that she cared
about something
that was a thing
not always just the nothing
that she
thought on |
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how about:
she wished
that she cared
about something
that was
not just the nothing
she always
thought on |
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It says much the same, but doesn't cause the reader to pause and reread it to ensure they got it right on the first pass.
what do you think of "bleakness" rather than "blackness"? Does it say more?
in the moring woke up dead. |
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sp. morning
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Keight at 14:35 on 02 June 2006
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Thank you for your comments they're welcomed however I dont feel bleakness, bleakness would be something I feel blackness, a solid all consuming nothing, and to change the first part would take the rythm away. I appreciate it may say more if I were striving for 'woe is me' but I'm not. Thanks for the welcome and critique x
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joanie at 15:34 on 02 June 2006
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Hi Kate. Lately, I seem to be saying more and more that poems need to be read aloud. I can hear this as a performance piece; better heard. The difference in pace and the rhymes would work well, I think.
joanie
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Laura Hunt at 15:54 on 02 June 2006
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I, too, enjoyed the changing rhythms and feel that it would work well as a performance poem.
Sylvia
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Keight at 19:46 on 02 June 2006
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thank you so much for your comments it is better read aloud i must admit
K8 x
<Added>
I am sorry for my dreadful lack of punctuation and awful spelling x
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