 olebut at 10:09 on 28 August 2003
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ellie
a poem the sentimnet of which I guess all of us have written at some time in our lives, probably more than once
I like the repetition of I miss your......
I am minded to think that when read the last line of each stanza should be whispered hauntingly almost as an echo.
I think the title is also great, appropriate but not too obvious.
thank you for posting it
take care
david
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Ioannou at 10:17 on 28 August 2003
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I love your poems, Ellie. I like the way you structured this one. In a way, any one of the stanzas could have been a whole poem on its own. The repetition of of the first line at the end of each verse is so like how it is when you miss someone and you latch on to something and repeat it to yourself. The only line I wasn't convinced by was "no consolation to dream of green pretend I'm blind." The other lines like this sounded so natural but this one didn't (for me! so...). Looking forward already to next one. Love, Maria.
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 littlegypsyau at 14:02 on 28 August 2003
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Hey Ellie,
i think it is a hauntingly lovely poem filled with feeling of much sadness and regret for things/people lost.
it spoke volumes to me.
well done.
wendy :)
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peterxbrown at 00:42 on 29 August 2003
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What a beautifully written poem. I think it taps into feelings we have all experienced at some time and you have brought it to life.You have made it so real and personal.
I am not too sure that the shorter line "Its no cnsolation waiting" works as well as the rythm of the other verses.
"Its no consolation waiting"
may be too obvious an alternative, but I don't think the shortened/quicker pace of the line suits the concept of "waiting" either.
Anyway, I still love it!
peter
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Ellenna at 10:19 on 29 August 2003
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David,Peter,Maria,Wendy and Woz.. thank you so much for reading and commenting..and glad that that the poem touched you
Ellie :)
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Tina at 17:07 on 29 August 2003
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Ellena
I love this - especailly the repetition although I wonder if the final line in each verse might have been a different kind of 'I miss you'???
We have all been in this place and it is almost a haunting poem - you could imagine it with some dramatic backdrops!
Thanks for your work
Tina
x
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Account Closed at 18:54 on 29 August 2003
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Hi - this was very moving, I liked it very much. Repetition is brilliantly done. Like someone else here, I wasn't sure about the "green" line though - maybe without the green is better???
Anne B
xxx
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Ellenna at 18:57 on 29 August 2003
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Tina thank you ! I am always so grateful for everyones comments.. glad it struck a chord :)
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Ellenna at 22:46 on 29 August 2003
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Holly thanks so much ! yes the green seems to jar with people.. I don't think I can change that though just now
I am keeping an open head and who knows .. I do value all comments though and think about them.. again thanks :)
Ellie
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Hilary Custance at 07:28 on 30 August 2003
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So sad and so direct, Ellie, works really well. Love your repetitions, don't shorten them, please. I love the green eyes and had to re-read to try and see what might have bothered others. The line worked immediately for me, so I am confused. (Perhaps some people don't join up eyes and green?). The structure is perfect for the content, gives it a really lamenting feeling and with the title as well. Cheers, Hilary
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Ellenna at 09:15 on 30 August 2003
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Hilary, many thanks for your comments and I am glad it worked for you ! thank you
Ellie:)
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Josh at 10:20 on 01 September 2003
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Thanks for reading my poem ellie, I like this, I'm in the break up get back to gether stage of things and I can relate to what you've said, it brings up feelings. Josh.
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Felmagre at 09:04 on 02 September 2003
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Strangly, the emotion which came over most strongly to me in this poem was that of 'pondering' aslmost as though one wanted to climb into another's mind, to experience what they were feeling, how they experienced life.
I found the poem though provoking, wistful rather than sad; accordingly the 'green eyes wporked for me'
<Added>
Whoops, fingers and thumbs this morning, sorry about typo's
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Susan70 at 20:52 on 06 September 2003
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I loved the repetion and the feeligs it brought out in me. Simple but so well structured. Wasn't sure about the last line. I felt like I wanted something suprising. I feel like the poem could have turn with a little twist at the end. Or maybe thats just my perverse mind! It has made me want to read more of your poems as I really like the style of this one.
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Ellenna at 08:58 on 07 September 2003
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Thank you Susan .. the last line is almost a gasp of frustration in describing how much this person is missed after listing several things and its the simplest way to say you miss them in entirety.....words have become redundant ..
so glad it meant something to you .. and welcome to WW !
Ellie
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