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Alyse

by Keight 

Posted: 29 May 2006
Word Count: 13
Summary: I have changed this, as with my mood! i do have to admit though my work is never drafted before i post it
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My Alyse is small
and beautiful an angel
she makes my heart still






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joanie at 18:26 on 29 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Kate. I love haiku. This is lovely, but I wonder why you chose old-fashioned language? I think it would work better with
My Alyse is small
and beautiful; an angel
who makes my heart still


or
My Alyse is small
and beautiful; an angel
who can still my heart


I already said 'Welcome' in a previous post, but I'll say it again: 'Welcome!

joanie
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Keight at 18:31 on 29 May 2006  Report this post
Thank you so much for looking :) its more of a 'plea' than a statement is that not alowed in haiku? I am really very grateful for your feed-back and the warm welcome thank you :)
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joanie at 18:35 on 29 May 2006  Report this post
OK - then how about 'Please make still my heart'? or Would you still my heart?

joanie

<Added>

Oh, sorry! don't take any notice of me - it's your poem!! I'm just musing.
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Mr B. at 12:40 on 02 June 2006  Report this post
This was sweet - a beautiful and simple piece. What I love about Haiku is the way they can express profound or deeply moving ideas as effectively as more cumbersome works.

Nice one!

A
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Keight at 13:39 on 02 June 2006  Report this post
thanx again mr b nore than youd know x


<Added>

More than you'd know!!
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