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Dead on the inside.

by Bobo 

Posted: 27 August 2003
Word Count: 145
Summary: A few cheery lines about someone I met while running a London bar...


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Where once there was softness now only rage;
An anger so vehement it serves as your cage.
Locked behind bars you snarl at us all
Deriding our being to make us feel small.

Yet you are the sad one, with life torn to shreds.
No true friends to turn to or lover to bed.
Such bitterness repellent, impenetrable shell -
This is your life, your punishment, your hell.

And there as you fry we stand and we stare.
Once some would mourn you cos once someone cared.
But now as you frazzle we feel nothing but numb;
Only a sense that you had it to come.

‘What goes around comes around’ - maybe that’s true.
The bad seeds you sowed rooted badness in you.
I give you my pity, but all else I keep -
For you I’ve no sadness or salt tears to weep.







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Comments by other Members



poemsgalore at 16:59 on 31 August 2003  Report this post
It's a sad fact but true, that most of us know someone like this. A brilliant piece of observation. My only quibble: in the first verse, the word "vehement" seems a little too long for the line. Maybe you could replace it with "wild" which also fits in with the picture of a caged animal snarling at the world. Just a suggestion.

Bobo at 17:10 on 31 August 2003  Report this post
Thanks - great suggestion!

Lisa x

olebut at 17:36 on 31 August 2003  Report this post
Lisa

equally if you change the first line to

Where once there was softness now there's only rage;

you could leave vehement in although otherwise I agree iwth kathleen.

however if you replace vehement i think you need a strong word that gives the image and compliments the cageing

in line 14 badness is a bit of a non word I think would 'evil ' be better


as Kathleen says we all know somebody like this sadly sometimes perhaps that someone is ourselves

otherwise a super poem it never ceases to amaze me the quality of the poetry on here I often feel like givng up

take care

david

weebee at 14:04 on 05 September 2003  Report this post
Hi,

I really liked this poem. The pity seems slightly flavoured with annoyance, which I think is me reading my own feelings into it.
Maybe ‘rotten’ could be used instead of ‘badness’, if you wanted to keep away from the christen ‘evil’.

weebee

Bobo at 09:38 on 07 September 2003  Report this post
Thanks Weebee -

Hatred would be closer than annoyance...this is about somebody I did pity but also came pretty close to hating!

BoBo x


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