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Sometimes he wonders
Posted: 16 May 2006 Word Count: 223
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Sometimes he wonders how much longer he can keep up his strange mixture of despair and exaltation surely one will win out over the other in the end
Some years ago in Mexico he met a man quite a lot like him in the desert they called themselves a pack (like animals) lay back to back for warmth, and watched the stars make patterns. The next morning they drank their water too soon because the dust had got in their mouths and they had to nudge each other on - their little pack of two
but he already knew about the patterns because he'd seen them in the concrete after the rain under the street-lamp, outside his door
He dreams of love with a girl who's deaf and dumb and blind so for once in his life he can leave words behind. He dreams up defences against things that upset him, his mind is an armoury of dreams
He doesn't believe in fixing the past in psychotherapy or looking for answers but in telegraph wires a proper smile his skin... ...although sometimes he finds himself standing at the shaving aisle with his fingers on his pulse muttering Help me under his breath so what does he know?
Only that it's beautiful - this day beautiful and sad like all days seem to be
Comments by other Members
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paul53 [for I am he] at 15:18 on 16 May 2006
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Reading this is like watching an Art House film [in the best possible sense]. Vivid, riveting, and I am hopeful that the full meaning will hit me later on as I mull over it. A brightness and a heat to this.
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NinaLara at 20:26 on 16 May 2006
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I have to agree with Foriam! I have a couple of suggestions about things to think about. Firstly, I wonder if
Some years ago in Mexico he met a man
quite a lot like him |
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would be a better opening?
Secondly, do you think respacing could help the impact a little? Maybe a space after patterns? And then working in the first 3 lines sometime later?
These are just suggestions, and I really like this poem ... just think I could have a bigger kick!
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Xenny at 20:31 on 16 May 2006
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Nina, I think you're right about beginning it like that. It's a very rambly sort of thing which I tried only vaguely to shape into a poem, but I think if I change that bit around and maybe make one or two other adjustments, it might become more of something. Thanks very much for that. I'll not do it now as I'm not in the mood, but soon, thanks.
x
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Nell at 07:30 on 17 May 2006
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Hi Xenny,
There's something softly compelling, gently mysterious about this, and there are some beautifully thoughtful observations here:
He dreams of love
with a girl who's deaf and dumb and blind
so for once in his life
he can leave words behind. |
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and
...his mind is an armoury
of dreams... |
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I noticed that you've used more true rhyme than usual in this poem, which together with the quiet tone and the subject matter seem like sad echos. You've captured a state of mind here and allowed us to share it; manic depression would seem to be indicated by the first few lines (yet 'manic' seems quite the wrong word for the subject of the poem, who seems almost like a mystic); you've somehow made it beautiful as well as hauntingly sad.
I agree with Nina about those first lines - perhaps you could work them in, or perhaps they're not needed at all, although it'd be a shame to lose the first two, especially with 'exhaltation/despair', which seems just right.
I tried this:
...standing at the shaving aisle
with his fingers on his pulse
muttering Help me under his breath.
Sometimes he wonders how much longer he can keep up
his strange mixture of despair and exaltation
so what does he know?
Only that it's beautiful
- this day
beautiful and sad
like all days seem to be
A perfect last stanza...
Nell.
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Xenny at 17:06 on 17 May 2006
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Thankyou lots Nell
I wondered about putting them there too, but I'm not entirely sure (also I hadn't split it up quite like you did and I think what you've done works better). Also I thought maybe to get rid of them, but those two words are kind of the essence of it, like you say.
What about if I swap the words over and put them here:
but he already knew about the patterns
because he'd seen them in the concrete
after the rain
under the street-lamp, outside his door
Sometimes he wonders how much longer he can keep up
his strange mixture of exaltation
and despair
He dreams of love
with a girl who's deaf and dumb and blind
so for once in his life
he can leave words behind.
He dreams up defences
against things that upset him,
his mind is an armoury
of dreams |
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I'm not sure between that and the place you suggested. I quite like them here because the beginning of the poem is more about the beauty I think, and the end is more about difficulty - so perhaps those lines would work in the middle. I don't know though. It would perhaps read better without them at all!
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joanie at 18:20 on 17 May 2006
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Hi Xenny. Lots has been said already, and I'm a bit late, but I have to say that I really enjoyed reading. I love the images created in my mind: watched the stars/make patterns, he'd seen them in the concrete/after the rain/under the street-lamp, an armoury/of dreams.
I love the idea of He dreams of love
with a girl who's deaf and dumb and blind
so for once in his life
he can leave words behind. |
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The 'although' half way through the penultimate stanza is subtly powerful.
I'm not sure about the change of order in this; I would need time to ponder. Perhaps you should do the same - as long as it takes!
joanie
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DJC at 18:32 on 17 May 2006
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Hi Xenny,
I'm a bit late to this too, but really enjoyed it. I love the image of the stars making patterns. The penultimate stanza is perfect - really profound. I'm not sure you need the line in brackets, and would agree with Nina about starting on the second stanza, as this begins the poem on more of a mysterious note. As ever, the last stanza leaves us with a really poignant feeling, which all your poems seem to do. You do do endings well!
D.
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Xenny at 22:39 on 17 May 2006
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Thankyou Joanie and Darran
Joanie I agree about pondering the reordering. I do think it might need it, but I'm still not 100% happy about where to put that bit if I move it. So I'll add this to the pile of poems that I need to come back to ;)
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Nell at 06:11 on 18 May 2006
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Xenny, I agree, you should leave the decision for now and come back to the poem in a while. If it might help a little, my reason for placing those lines towards the end rather than the beginning was that they're very telling as to his state of mind, and I thought the mystery of that should be prolonged.
Nell.
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