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Goodbye

by Jubbly 

Posted: 16 May 2006
Word Count: 293
Summary: An attempt at the 'uninvited' challenge


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Raw grief clamped me to the spot and immobilised me. For me the sun no longer shines, birds no longer sing and all hope has evaporated. I felt I would never leave that place, just stay there, always, near him but not with him. The others were just blurs, not real, names and faces, all of us in collective despair. For a crazy moment I imagined what we might look like from above. I saw us as an image magnified on google earth, tiny black spots amidst chalky white stones, all meaningless from a far but so terribly important up close.

I wore his favourite, tight, low cut and black of course. Id sprayed my body with the last birthday gift hed given me Angel; a scent, he said conjured up mystery when there was none.

My sister supported me as I swooned up against her.

He loved you so much, she whispered, I know he did.

As he was lowered into the earth, my body seemed to float away, separating itself from the pain. I was making a noise, long, purring sobs came from somewhere deep inside me and I rocked backward and forward with alarming confidence considering the height of my heels.

I blocked out the world and thought only of his face, his piercing hazel eyes, staring deep into mine as we held each close.

Aware I was being watched I looked up to see those same hazel eyes seeking me out. He was striding toward me, desperate now for my attention, I looked straight at him, my skin tingling in primitive recognition.

How dare you come here!

Before I had a chance to remonstrate, he took aim and fired.

Havent you hurt my mother enough? Just go, now!










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Comments by other Members



Katy Kat at 09:13 on 18 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Julie

Goodbye is so beautiful and sad and then the last words inject the reality and the bitterness of a different perspective on the same situation. There was even a touch of humour wrapped up with the misery and torment - loved this ...

I rocked backward and forward with alarming confidence considering the height of my heels.


Brilliant flash. I enjoyed it very much.

Best wishes

Kate

crowspark at 12:01 on 18 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Julie

Great writing Julie.
Loved the Google Earth image.
She is the other woman and maybe had something to do with his death?
I felt thrown by, "I looked up to see those same hazel eyes seeking me out" If father and son had hazel eyes that works for me but are they "the same hazel eyes" or are they the same colour? Could you repeat "piercing hazel eyes seeking me out"?
Loved the telling,
he said conjured up mystery when there was none.

I wondered whether you could reverse those last two sentences?
Thanks for the read.
Bill


<Added>

Obviously not backwards, perhaps I meant swap them round.

Jubbly at 11:05 on 19 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Katy and Bill, thanks so much for reading and commenting. I'll take another look at that bit Bill, the eye thing is in keeping with parents saying, they've got my toes, eyes, nose etc. But if it isn't clear I'll change it.

Best

Julie

Jumbo at 22:11 on 19 May 2006  Report this post
Julie

Powerful writing! Shockingly powerful.

Loved

I blocked out the world and thought only of his face, his piercing hazel eyes, staring deep into mine as we held each close.


... and those final lines of damning dialogue.

Great stuff

Regards

jumbo

choille at 12:22 on 20 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Julie,

Lovely writing & great opener with the view from above, gives a slightly unhinged perspective.

I liked the perfume bit, which tells us the dead lover was a bit of a bastard.

I found the ending a little confusing & had to reread a couple of times to get the gist that it was the lover's son who appeared before her.

Would he shoot her & then say go now? Or is that just a turn of phrase 'he took aim & fired?

Lovely descriptions - swooned against her sister & the sheer devastation of grief brilliantly painted.

All the best
Caroline.

Jubbly at 12:48 on 20 May 2006  Report this post
Jumbo and Caroline thanks so much for reading and commenting. He doesn't literally shoot her, it's just an expression. I made it up I think, so maybe it's not clear enough.

Thanks again.

Julie

optimist at 21:55 on 20 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Julie,

You capture the emotion of the funeral so well - and I loved the aerial view and the detail - the heels.

The idea of the son looking so much like her dead lover - all powerful stuff and so very well realised. I read the shooting as metaphorical - but it is a "killer" attack on her so worked for me.

Sarah

Anj at 10:26 on 27 May 2006  Report this post
Julie,

Such a powerful evocation of grief, and like others was a little confused by the end but once I got it loved it.

Andrea


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