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by apsara 

Posted: 07 May 2006
Word Count: 108
Summary: Best I could do - if more time would definitely edit...

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On the side of the hill, late afternoon,
air brittle as a crisp packet,
we made our way, cauldron held between us.
Patchwork of black on the golden floor.
Our hands smutty with barely dried paint.
Anna's idea, a riposte
to the boys' secret society, our coven
had rules as complex as the Masons',
a highway code for magic.
We eschewed frogs'legs and rats' tails, chose
a more glamorous concoction of
poached flowers, borrowed perfumes,
melted lipsticks. But the fire was real
and our passion,
as we danced beneath the burning trees,
holding each others'hands tightly,
for one moment
lifted me off my feet
into the autumn sky.

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Comments by other Members

DJC at 18:38 on 07 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Tracey,

This is great - I really get a feel for the time and place. It tells a story with a great deal of precision and skill, and uses the rlg line brilliantly - it does have a mystical quality to it. Just two little things - the crisp packet didn't fit for me, as the mood of the piece is not contemporary; and the full stop at the end of line 4 might be better as a comma, as it runs on better like this. A superb response.


Account Closed at 14:15 on 08 May 2006  Report this post
I really enjoyed this one too - some great, original imagery and good pace. The end is intriguing, the magic working. Great!

I'd have a quick look that all the commas are in the right place, but overall, it's a wonderful piece.


Katy Kat at 16:04 on 09 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Tracy

Loved Witches! (Have always had a secret longing to be one I think!)A good one of course!

we made our way, cauldron held between us.
Patchwork of black on the golden floor.

Think this is my favourite bit. This is witches!

Kind regards

Katy Kat

Beanie Baby at 19:51 on 09 May 2006  Report this post
This is exciting to read and filled my head with all kinds of images and ideas. Very colourful, too.

paul53 [for I am he] at 06:06 on 10 May 2006  Report this post
Apologies for my excessive lateness. This is a very full piece, and it is almost a surprise to note it has only 108 words. Masterful economy here, but with this flash group trading on rush and deadlines, I think I'd like to see this given more time and re-entered in another group.

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