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Rain N` Your Eyes

by netking_uop 

Posted: 07 May 2006
Word Count: 127

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Rain N' UR Eyes

when i call ur name
it begiin of rain
i'll stay althougho cold
i'll survive althougho pain
the thing that lead me there
my heart not the brain
my heart has gone with you
and never back again
the brain now only ask
if you have felt the same
answer through wind
my bad no one to blame
i fill in love just one time
i wrote for you thousends rhyme
i walk througho rain that you cry
i walk alone on death line
oneday your will regret
of every single tear
the lady that i loved
will back and appear
the rain is stopped
i sea the sunshine
and gave me a hope to live
a day you will ne mine

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Comments by other Members

Laura Hunt at 07:36 on 08 May 2006  Report this post
This is so poignant! For the first time on WW (OK so maybe I'm in that kind of mood) my eyes welled up.


paul53 [for I am he] at 09:09 on 08 May 2006  Report this post
There is a poignancy in this, but I personally feel the content is let down by the spelling [thousends/thousands; sea/see; althougho/although] and some of the "street" terminology.
The bold font didn't make the piece stand out, but detracted from the content.
If this is solely for your peers, then that is fine. But I think the expressiveness within it deserves a wider audience, which would mean more attention to presentation and theme rather than a stance.
I also see that you have not indicated the level of comment you wish to receive. This makes it difficult as some want to improve their poetry; some merely want it to be praised; and others don't care just as long as someone reads it.
I copied this out without bold font and tried to put it into correct English, but still stumbled over the line:
my bad no one to blame
. I uploaded a poem that had the line:
one and three hundred, pit and prone, range and butts:
which is great if one is a fellow target shooter, but otherwise incomprehensible to most readers. It pushes them away rather than draws them in, and poetry is about sharing thoughts and experiences.
Reading this, Benjamin Zephania came to mind, though he is a household name more because he is on the radio and TV minor celebrity seat-filler list rather than for his known poetry. Offhand, I cannot name one of his poems, just as I cannot name one song by Billy Bragg who lives in my village.
If you wish me to print my first-draft interpretation, please let me know.

paul53 [for I am he] at 09:34 on 09 May 2006  Report this post
The group page is the place for discussion of work, not private WW Mail. Free Trial gives limited access to Write Words, and my time [also limited] has to be given first to full members of this site.
I wonder if you might be better served by the Songs & Lyrics Group?
The problem I have is the same as some people have with T S Eliot. Instead of writing a poem in plain English, he inserted bits in French, or Ancient Greek, which soon becomes annoying to the reader.
The language of the "street" here will strike a chord with a certain group of people, but it will also leave other readers distant, which does your poetry a disservice.

Brian Aird at 11:12 on 11 May 2006  Report this post
I read this for its raw emotion - which is embedded in every line. I could hear it clearly. The sense was clear and unmistakable and (to me) accessible. I was not pushed away but drawn in.

well done - I hope there's more to come...


Laura Hunt at 18:13 on 11 May 2006  Report this post
Well - you've had a varied response to your first upload! Two days later I still find this a very moving piece. As long as the sense is clear, grammar and spelling don't affect my response to a piece of work - but as you have heard not everyone feels like this.(At first, I would be devastated if someone didn't like something I had written but now I just think, what the heck - there's room for us all!) For all the formal rules and structure poetry is about communicating the essence of something - and this you have done effectively and movingly.

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