Login   Sign Up 



 

Force of Nature Exercise.

by Feline 

Posted: 05 May 2006
Word Count: 598


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


As a cheery plump robin balanced on a young and fragile tree, Jen admired it's beauty from her open bedroom window.

"That's it" she thought aloud, "a winter's morning!"


Her Art Teacher Mr Wade, had set the homework nearly a week ago.

"I want you to create a time and a place in a non-descript setting, but I want you to transform this into beauty on canvas. Oh, and I want it in by Friday, that's a week tomorrow." he said.

"No problem," Verity piped in. "My world is full of beauty, so that'll be a doddle!"

Verity hadn't quite got the gist of Mr Wade's request, but Jen knew that when Verity put brush to canvas, a masterpiece would be born. Verity was just one of those girls.

She had been a latecomer to Warren Heights School, and Jen had kindly shown her round and introduced her to many friends. She had appeared a little timid. Boy, was she wrong! It took a clear 3 weeks to lose her shyness and mutate into this boastful creature who insisted on pursuading Jen's friends that she was more fun than Jen. Her friends were not exclusive to Verity's display, the teachers were enamoured by her talents in every subject there was on the curriculum. Why could no-one else see Verity's over-riding strength...selfishness!

Jen settled down to her work. As the hours passed, a winter's scene emerged on the crisp canvas. The summer garden she looked out on was replaced in her painting with clouds of snow draping over branch and twig. The lawn enveloped in a glistening fur coat, as the flakes huddled together and settled there. The evergreens peeked out their dash of deep green spikes, with ruby coloured berries dancing amongst the shrubs. Looking out from it's tentative perch was the robin, with ruffled feathers to keep the warmth within it's glowing breast.

Jen was pleased. She knew this might just be enough to gain the respect back from her teacher and her friends. It would stick a finger right where it hurts, so to speak, to Verity.

Next day, Jen arrived to find Verity already stood before her locker with head held high and a glint of smugness to her expression.

"Oh Jennifer," she gloated "did you struggle? cos' you don't look very confident..as usual" she added.

"No Verity, a natural artist doesn't need to prove themselves with words, their work does all the talking!"

Jen was pleased with her own quick witted reply. Verity meanwhile, made a nonchalent noise and placed her own piece of art on the rung of the stepladder which leaned against the wall next to her. The decoraters had left it temporarily whilst enjoying yet another cigarette break. The painting hung in the balance precariously. As Verity opened her locker door, Jen could see the painting was headed for the large open container of fresh magnolia paint below.

"Would serve her right!" thought Jen.

But as the painting fell, Jen speedily saved it from it's demise.

Jealously strikes with such force that is uncontrollable when it hits. It can turn an otherwise calm and collected person, into a character full of venom and highly charged animosity. However nature always balances those dark forces with all consuming and unassuming strengths. Conscience is deep rooted and nurtured to deplete other forces of nature. In a single swoop, it can wipe out those more obvious and vocal displays. Conscience stems from the core and is the one deciding factor that proceeds or halts a situation, whereby jealousy has only the power to go on.






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



Andi-icecream at 15:36 on 16 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Tina,

What a lovely piece of work - it flows so well. I love your take on the exercise - that even though we have negative 'forces of nature' our positive ones override them in the end.

You seem to get inside the mind of Jen very easily, although I couldnt decide on her age, as some of her thought processes seem quite mature. (Having said that, I know some ten year old who are more mature than me!)

You obviously have the talent for this writing malarky - keep it coming!

Andie

Feline at 20:21 on 16 May 2006  Report this post
Thanks Andie,
I really appreciate your comments and it was very encouraging. You highlighted something I missed, I didn't keep track of her age and that is an important factor I will have to bear in mind for future pieces...so much obliged for that!

Tina

Kia at 13:48 on 23 May 2006  Report this post
Hello Tina,

Just dropping in from Novel II.

I like your opening sentence.
As a cheery plump robin balanced on a young and fragile tree, Jen admired it's beauty from her open bedroom window.
Usually birds are described as fragile and trees as sturdy. However, you’ve reversed this by conveying the robin as a solid presence ‘cheery plump’ and the tree as ‘young and fragile’. It works well and drew me into the piece.
Typo – should be ‘its’

"That's it" she thought aloud, "a winter's morning!"
I think this should read either as ‘she thought’ or ‘she said’.

"No problem," Verity piped in.
Verity piped up rather than ‘in’. You’ve conveyed her irritating character well!

She had been a latecomer to Warren Heights School, and Jen had kindly shown her round and introduced her to many friends.
I suggest a full-stop after School. Then ‘Jen had shown her round and introduced her to the other pupils.’
‘Kindly’ is too much of a tell. It’s clear that it’s a ‘kind’ gesture. And they wouldn’t immediately be her ‘friends’ would they? Fellow pupils first, friends later.

She had appeared a little timid. Boy, was she wrong! It took a clear 3 weeks to lose her shyness and mutate into this boastful creature who insisted on pursuading Jen's friends that she was more fun than Jen.
‘3’ – should be ‘three’. I think the ‘she’s’ and ‘Jens’ need sorting out here. They’re collected together and should be distributed more evenly within the paragraph. This would help the overall narrative flow.
Typo – should be ‘persuading’

the teachers were enamoured by her talents in every subject there was on the curriculum.
‘there was on the curriculum’ feels unnecessary.

The summer garden she looked out on was replaced in her painting with clouds of snow draping over branch and twig. The lawn enveloped in a glistening fur coat, as the flakes huddled together and settled there. The evergreens peeked out their dash of deep green spikes, with ruby coloured berries dancing amongst the shrubs. Looking out from it's tentative perch was the robin, with ruffled feathers to keep the warmth within it's glowing breast.
I think the transformation might be conveyed more strongly here if you delete ‘in her painting’. Should it be ‘The lawn was enveloped…’? Not sure about ‘The evergreens peeked out’ Is there a more poetic way of describing this? ‘Looking out from its tentative perch was the robin…’ Why not start this sentence with ‘The robin…’ to convey its presence more strongly within the painting?
TYPO – should be ‘its’

She knew this might just be enough to gain the respect back from her teacher and her friends.
This line confused me as I didn’t think that Jen had actually lost respect from anyone. Yes, Verity had convinced J’s friends that she was more fun but that doesn’t imply the bigger issue of losing their respect, and you don’t seem to say that her teacher had lost any respect for her.

and a glint of smugness to her expression.
feels a bit clunky. How about ‘head held high and wearing a smug smile’?

Jen was pleased with her own quick witted reply. Verity meanwhile, made a nonchalent noise and placed her own piece of art on the rung of the stepladder which leaned against the wall next to her.
There’s a repeat of ‘own’ here which jars the flow.

But as the painting fell, Jen speedily saved it from it's demise.
I’m not sure ‘demise’ is the right word. Perhaps ‘fate’?

I wasn’t sure about your final paragraph.
However nature always balances those dark forces with all consuming and unassuming strengths. Conscience is deep rooted and nurtured to deplete other forces of nature.
Is this really true? I’m not sure that nature does always balance the dark forces within. Good does not always triumph. And sometimes isn’t the story more interesting when conscience doesn’t ‘deplete other forces of nature’?
The style here is very different from the rest of the narrative. The narrator seems to suddenly take several steps back and come out of the story. This gives it a rather didactic feel. Almost as if we’ve been given the parable and now here comes the sermon. I think it might be more effective to weave the thoughts in this paragraph into Jen’s viewpoint rather than separating the story from this final summary.

Hope you can find something helpful in my ramblings!

Kia


Feline at 17:58 on 25 May 2006  Report this post
Hi Kia,

Thanks very much for the time you put in to go through my work. I found it extremely helpful and can take on board your observations and will strive to avoid making the same mistakes again. I think this will take some time. You have shown me that I need to be more careful with each sentence. I need to sit back and review properly, not just read it through. I need to remember that I am the character, I am not me. This applies from start to end.

With much gratitude.

Tina.

loopylil at 21:29 on 13 June 2006  Report this post
I'm afraid I'm new to commenting on other peoples work so my contribution will not be as in depth or helpful as some of the others. What I did want to add was I really injoyed the piece and the imagery and discription were beautiful in places. Looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Feline at 07:51 on 16 June 2006  Report this post
Thankyou Loopylil, your response was very much appreciated. Beautiful is a very uplifting word and I'm grateful for the motivation.


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .