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Fantasy Land

by radavies1uk 

Posted: 04 May 2006
Word Count: 24
Summary: Cut a lot of extra from this.

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Unknown future, ever present.
I'm growing old.

For a moment each day,
I drift off, silently contemplate,

Just one more small fantasy,
whittled away

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Comments by other Members

DJC at 07:34 on 05 May 2006  Report this post
Hey Bob,

You're quite prolific at the moment, aren't you? Good to see. I like these shorter poems, as they really focus your attention. And hey, mate, you ain't growing old - if I guess right you've just had your 24th birthday. But us men are supposed to peak when we're 17, so I guess it is all downhill from here on in. When you reach my great age you'll be past it. And as for Paul...

I still want you to hone in on details, though - for me, this is just too vague - I get no clear picture of anything. Take an image, a symbol of age, and begin with that - for me, good poetry begins with something concrete, then fans out into more metaphysical speculation. As you begin with this there's nothing for the reader to tie down.

Just my morning thoughts. Ooh, my aching limbs.


Brian Aird at 09:21 on 05 May 2006  Report this post
You're bang on Bob about the fantasy bit - they drive us on through the years even if we know in our heart of hears how futile some of them are! But, hey if you don't have a fantasy now and again how can you have a fantasy come true?

Mine's that I'll get a body back that works in the mornings!


paul53 [for I am he] at 09:24 on 05 May 2006  Report this post
The 3 opening lines [sentences] are like lead-in thoughts to the statement of the fourth line.
What I would like to see is this stripped down to the basic words without capitals and punctuation, and then reconstructed with the bare minimum making full use of line breaks.

radavies1uk at 10:15 on 05 May 2006  Report this post
Hey guys

I've cut almost half of this to try and be more precise, I still don't have a 'concrete' image but I think this change grounds it a lot more and freezes the moment a bit better.

Thanks Muchly :)

DJC at 16:01 on 05 May 2006  Report this post
Yup, you're right. It has almost a haiku quality about it. Just goes to show what a bit of pruning can do, and also how much extra baggage we load our poems with, that we just don't need. Nice one!


radavies1uk at 17:32 on 05 May 2006  Report this post
Cheers :) I'm trying to cut right back a couple at the mo and it's crazy how much you can drop and still get the point across :) Might try for one word (maybe 2 words carefully hyphenated is a little more realistic) :)

DJC at 20:49 on 05 May 2006  Report this post
Do you know the Ezra Pound poem (can't remember its exact title, but it's something like 'In the Station of the Metro'? It goes like this, I think:

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet black bough.

Now that's poetry, innit.


radavies1uk at 22:24 on 05 May 2006  Report this post
I didn't but that's pretty good. I've just checked out some of his other stuff, I like

When I carefully consider the curious habits of dogs
I am compelled to conclude
That man is the superior animal.

When I consider the curious habits of man
I confess, my friend, I am puzzled.

From "Poems of Lustra", 1913

Not as tight, but perfectly stated :)

Laura Hunt at 17:58 on 06 May 2006  Report this post

I guess I'm reading this after pruning? It would have been useful to see the original alongside. I think you have captured a moment, but I also think that it would be a really useful exercise to turn this into a strict haiku.


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